What to get a friend who has depression?

[Pigtailsandall]

My good friend has been diagnosed with depression. She's a very senior, high-flying professional who struggled to accept the diagnosis for a long time. She knows I'm here for her, but I'd like to get her something. I'm just not sure what. She's off from work and she's not used to doing nothing. I thought flowers, but it feel a bit hospital-y. Or does it?
What might be a nice, thoughtful gift? I'm a little stuck for ideas. She's sporty but hasn't been exercising recently.

Of course it's the done thing to buy something for someone who is ill and flowers are fine.

My best friend is suffering terribly and as a tongue in cheek gift which is perfectly acceptable in our friendship I bought her a colouring book of penises. It was the first time I saw her laugh out loud in an age. Colouring books are so addictive she was so grateful I’d seen the positive in her negative situation. There are other sorts of colouring books but they are a great distraction.

You sound like a great mate 😂

There’s one with swear words too

Afternoon tea for two somewhere nice. Two friends enjoying a change of scenery and eating some lovely cake would be a treat for you both.

Why would someone keep buying gifts? It should be deleted like a physical illness , if you broke your leg you'd expect your close friends to being you something initially.

That could be too much pressure to be sociable but depends on the individual and how well she is feeling atm

If your friend likes tea, I’ve bought some nice ones from here. Maybe a little basket with tea bags, nice baked goods, journal, hand cream, bubble bath. Just some nice things I had recently.
https://www.instagram.com/teadropuk?igsh=MTdhMW9sOGVsODFzbg==

DD2 has depression and her friend has dropped little gifts for her a few times. There were sweets, a tiny little teddy and some drawing supplies. DD was really happy to receive these but then felt she must get her friend something back. Thinking about what to get actually lifted her mood a bit, but everyone is different.

As you can tell here it is so individual. One person would appreciate flowers, another find it physically hard to deal with due to exhaustion, another not want anything as they feel they didn’t want any contact that they did not initiate.

If you say that you are there to talk really mean it. It’s OK if she calls and needs to talk to say that you are just leaving the house but do actually arrange another time, not just say we can talk later. Still be there weeks down the line when you have not heard anything.

As someone with lifelong bouts of debilitating depression, some tokens are appreciated (but they have to involve no F2F contact, no demand to engage and be effusive with thanks, and no expectation of me socialising in return).

Your friend hasn’t ‘got’ an illness - she is living with low mood and probably no social battery left - most likely due to total burn-out due to pace of life / high-achiever / demanding job etc). Her cognition, decision-making, problem-solving and ability to interact normally may all be affected. She may feel confused and lost. She will be unable to enjoy the usual things she enjoys. Her brain is in ‘buffering’ mode for now.

The usual rules of giving and receiving of token gifts for a poorly person just don’t really apply here. Your friend may usually LOVE a suprise bunch of flowers on a birthday or promotion, or if a bit worried about an in-law, but the way her broken buffering brain is currently working she may encounter a suprise bunch of flowers as another pressure: pressure to show gratitude, pressure to then engage in follow-up texts out of politeness, pressure to have to even find a vase and assemble them. Energy levels and bandwidth are low. The usual rules of gift-giving don’t apply.

This post wasn’t uncalled for at all :/

Thankyou 🩷 I’ve known her since school we’ve been friends over 30 years so I know my audience. We sat for hours in total silence just colouring in. Sometimes you want people to talk but sometimes actually no talking is needed. Depression is an absolute energy sucker and everyone copes differently. If you feel you need to buy a gift then it should come naturally as to what’s fitting.

And definite no-no to an afternoon tea! I’d utterly despair if someone suggested that as a lovely gift when I’m depressed, for the same reasons as I’ve posted above, plus reasons of the fact she may find leaving the house v difficult & overwhelming. Then having to sit 1:1 and socialise over dainty sandwiches would be a really overwhelming expectation.

Please try to remember: she’s not a bit sad and needs cheering up - she’s experiencing life totally differently to normal / to you.

Whilst youre obvs a caring friend and want to help, the best way you can help is by not trying to “cheer her up” with normal treats and fun times. There’s plenty of that later when she’s less addled with stress and more able to hunt for vases / make conversation over lunch.

From reading this thread it appears that depression varies massively.
For me, don’t buy me anything, I am not a patient and I don’t want to be treated like one. I am fighting every day, check in with me but don’t pressurise me to be anything other than who I am. Respect the illness, don’t minimise it, don’t avoid me, just be available quietly.
If you really want to buy a gift.
Don’t do flowers, they are shit, you have to cut them, find a vase, arrange them!
When I am well, I love flowers, when I am depressed they are just another job to be dealt with. Likewise a plant you are now having to look after.
And as for candles and bath bombs! Yep. You understand depression so well that you think my mental health problems are solved by a bath!
Look, everyone is different but for me, if someone turns up with a gift, they literally don’t understand. It is for them, they need to feel they have done something. It won’t make me feel better, probably more like beholden and give me something else to worry about.
However, after everything I have just explained, and you still want to buy her something, chocolate is the actual only answer, always x

I was basically your friend. Same work profile you described. Not sure it makes that much difference to the situation except that people assume depression doesn’t touch people like this. High functioning depression is a big thing.

When it was me, additional stuff to deal with wasn’t helpful.

friends who didn’t give up were very helpful.

by all means make flap jacks but
leave them on her doorstep rather than make her respond to decide.

it she’s signed off it must be pretty bad… dealing with decisions having to say no to someone’s good intentions could be destabilising.

be her friend not her people pleaser. You are over thinking it and she probably doesn’t want a fuss. Offer to go for walks maybe. Open offer to meet for coffee - things to help fill her time. She doesn’t need gifts.

it feels like you are making it about your gesture than what she needs or wants. I don’t dispute your kind intentions however.

I got some nice tea and biscuits by post when I was in the same position. I still remember feeling supported by small acts of kindness. I couldn't have managed to have a coffee out or even worse have someone drop by.

Keep it very very low key and simple for now. The flapjacks sound perfect. Self care can be an issue so maybe a small scented soap. Just one. No gift wrapping or get well cards or fuss. Just “something I saw you might like …”.

Please never send flowers that require a vase and arranging and keeping alive. Its alot of pressure.

PS You sound like a good friend 😎

Ha! I think she's not a colouring books person but great to know these exist- i have another friend in mind!

You have said this much better than I. ^This^

This i have bipolar so struggle with depressive episodes and I just want everyone to leave me alone I wouldn't want anyone suprising me as i probably would look like shit and the house would be a mess and I probably hadn't showered recently or brushed my teeth.

It’s really interesting this is the post you choose to respond to.
Please read the many others very carefully.
Many of us would hate a gift of any kind.

Point taken, though I suppose it depends how badly one is affected.

I would just keep popping in to see her and inviting her out to things. What are her hobbies/films she might want to see/places she’s expressed interest in visiting. Yes it might be hard for her to self motivate to do any of them or pursue interests, but if you’re carrying the momentum then it will help get her out and have contact. Make it clear of course there is no pressure and just keep checking in. Don’t take any silences personally. You sound like a great friend xx

Maybe if someone is a little sad and needs cheering up but not for clinical depression

OK.