Family Holiday

[NoMoreCloudyDays]

I have a big birthday coming up and my partner and I were planning a holiday for it with our children. My sister suggested a family holiday with me, my partner, our children, my siblings with their partners and children and our mum and her partner. Mine and siblings kids are all 18+. We all agreed.

It has come to booking it and my mum and her partner now also want to invite his adult children and their kids, who are aged 12-17.

My mum classes her partners children as her children. She refers to them as my brother and sister but I don’t class them as that. I don’t like them due to things they’ve done and said in the past so I don’t want to go on holiday with them. My brother feels the same and has said he’s not going if they are. My daughter and niece who are 18 really dislike one of their children. My sister has said it would be better without them, but she will go either way and will just be civil.

I have told my mum that we don’t want to go on the holiday if her partners kids are coming as it won’t be enjoyable. My mum has said that she won’t go without them. My mum is now being hostile to me and my brother.

I don’t want to argue and fall out with my mum but I’m not prepared to spend my birthday and a lot of money on a holiday with people I don’t like. It would also be a very different holiday because their kids are younger.

My sister has suggested we just forget the holiday altogether to keep the peace but my brother and I think that is unfair, it was my sister’s idea in the first place and we should still go. We were all looking forward to booking and going away together before the mention of my mums partners children and their children.

What would you do?

What does your mum know or feel about what your step siblings did in the past?

I'd just tell your mum you have decided it best just to have a holiday with your siblings and their family's. Your mum needs to realise that whilst she sees his kids as "her children", you all don't feel the same and there is actually some animosity from the grandkids of the same age which changes the dynamic. Whilst it's nice she's like that, she should also be respecting her own children and grandchildrens feelings and if she can't then she's the one with the problem who should take a step back from the holiday, without hostility.

As an aside, 22 of us went on a family holiday abroad for a milestone birthday. You aren't all in each other's pockets all the time. We rarely seen my dad, his wife and another couple their age. One of my brothers who had a much younger family wasn't around as much. We all fell into sub groups and only had one dinner all together on the person's birthday.

Go as siblings without your Mum?
Say it would be too many people to include the steps too?

It’s your birthday trip, you get to decide who goes. Pick an adult only place.

This, is each family paying individually?

Fine, your mum won't go. It's her choice and not your fault. She must be very insecure to insist that you pretend to love her partner's children like your siblings, so don't give her a hard time, just say you understand her position but you don't want such a huge event for your birthday so you will go ahead without her.

Go with whoever still wants to go with you. Let DM sulk.

This. Sibling trip. Book adults only resort.

Is this the first time your mums heard of issues with the kids? I’d explain your reasons why and tell her these are the dates you’re going away, she’s welcome to come but it’s her choice. And just leave the ball in her court. Go and have a lovely time with your siblings.

I would go with your sister and brother and let your mum refuse to go if that’s her choice. Unfortunately the damage is done now and not going on holiday won’t change that

Insecure or controlling?
how awful she would rather upset her own daughter and prioritise her partner’s grandchildren over her own!

I would scrap the current idea, and have a holiday with my partner and children.

I’d go just with your siblings and their family. No reason why your mum gets to dictate - she’s been invited and doesn’t want to go. So go without her.

I am just saying there is no need to demonise the woman. She is hanging on to the idea that her blended family has created a new set of siblings. So she can't go on the proposed family holiday. Her loss really. She can see her daughter and grandchildren another time, there doesn't have to be a big falling out.

It's not the end of the world if your mum doesn't go. She's made it plain where her priorities lie.

Sod her.

Go with siblings and their families. I would book it soon, not mention it again (or imply you've dropped the idea) so she can't book all step family places alongside. She's prioritising them over you and it's your birthday!! I'd be very upset and cross.

Why have a group of grown adults taken such a strong dislike to a couple of kids? The reason it's pretty important here.

Book it without her, you’ve made your wishes clear and it’s your birthday, it’s much easier to just not have the conversation than try and talk her into coming without them. Just say never mind thanks mum we will book on our own so I have the birthday holiday I want; I’m sorry you don’t want to come.

Exactly, there’s no way to know if your mum is being unfair without knowing a bit of the backstory. Were you brought up together?

I should add, I don't see how a holiday with that huge number of people is going to work anyway. You can't have that many go out to eat all together, do trips etc so everyone is going to split into factions anyway, so what's the point?

Agree, far too many.

Just go with your boyfriend and siblings or whoever you like. Your mother is free to sulk all she likes.
Personally I can't think of much less enjoyable ways to spend my time than holidaying with a group of people.

My MIL is like this, forces big family holidays (always on her milestones because nobody else cares for them) even though her sons/daughters in law and children have little in common with each other, and there’s more than a decade between her oldest and youngest GDC. When the holiday actually rolls around, she gets really upset if individuals do their own thing (eg go for a run at breakfast time) or individual families do their own thing (why would a 16yo want to go to a toddler splash park with their cousin?). So she always ends up disappointed and in tears about how her family isn’t as together as she wants it to be.

Think about what the actual days would be like if you all went together, and if you want that, and give that reasoning to your mum for why you’re going back to the original plan. She can come or not come as she pleases/as her relationship permits, you won’t take offence. You weren’t going to go with her originally anyway, so you’re not missing out.

She makes excuses for them or says they wouldn’t gave meant what they did badly.

So say that's fine, you won't be holidaying with them. Tell her you don't mean it badly 😀