money control with lodger

[partialsoup]

ASo I have a lodger who started out as a potential partner then moved to being my friend now my worst enemy. He's a narcissist, takes ut doesn't give while I'm a suffering landlady who does more for him than I should. we've lived together 12 yrs and despite the number of yrs he only gives me £400 month rent for which he gets his own living room and bedroom. i also do all the house work, gardening and laundry. I also take him shopping every week. What do I get in return just his rent and nothing else. He recently started working shifts at the weekend and needs a lift to work at 5.15am as the buses dont run at that time. he started these shifts in May and so far I've done 14 trips of 6 miles each way to work and 10 pick ups from a local area about 2 miles away after work.

He said he would "pay me" but like all our talks about money it ended with an argument. He finally agreed on £5 (a taxi would cost £15). He's terrible at paying me money and I often get it months later. For the local.pick ups he said he'd give me access to all.if his streaming services. I was ok with this and thought we'd made a fair agreement. Last night he got home from work and I asked why he hadn't called me to pick.him up. He made some comment about me charging him. I said we'd agreed on me using his streaming services to which he blew up saying how much he pays for them etc. I told him to forget it and I deleted them all. He said ill judt give you petrol money and I said I wouldn't be picking him up again. This morning he got a taxi to work. my friend tells me to chuck him out but I'm used to him being there and the rent money helps me whil I'm trying to.find a full time job. He makes me feel.like I'm some kind of gold digger when it comes to money and says he pays my bills. I've told him yes he pays rent but if he rented elsewhere he'd be paying more and would be paying someone else bills. He wont give notice and if I gave him notice he'd paint me as a horrible person for kicking him out. Amy questions are, would be unreasonable to ask for more rent?? is ,£5 for a lift to work bad? why are men like this? is withholding money owed abuse? please help!!!

I can understand why kicking him out would be hard, especially after all this time. If I were you I would self refer for therapy from the NHS or a charity, you are being abused in your own home and it sounds like you need your self esteem building up before you are confident enough to give him notice (and live your life without him, even though it will be soo much better than it is now)

Good lord. Serve him notice, ignore his “improved behaviour” and the day the notice expires change your locks. Ring the police if you need to. You have zero legal tie to this cocklodger. Evict him and rent the room out again to a person with references and at market rate.

Don't know where to start with this. Are you going to let yourself be treated like shit forever by a man you know is a total turd because people who don't matter might not like you otherwise? Who could hear this story, think you'd be wrong to turf him, and still be anyone whose opinion matters? Is there anyone you love and respect who thinks you should just take this forever?

I'm not getting anything other than stress. we were friends for quite a while, even went on holidays to his parents in Greece. His dad was just like him, a nasty fucker so the apple didn't fall far from the tree. his mum just put up with it. 56 years till he died last week. I suppose uf I get out now ill have only done 12 yrs!!!

Get rid and get another lodger who doesn’t emotionally blackmail you and pays more rent! You will be better off in every way!

Give him notice. You owe him nothing.

Get rid of him, then get someone reasonable to lodge with you. You know, someone who wont take the piss, and who likes you.

Good luck its difficult

OP are you afraid of him and of his reaction if you give him notice? I think you are very fearful of him and his reactions, and that is not a sustainable way to live anymore.

Oh and just wondered if YOU have a separate living space of your own in your own house?

Have you any trusted (preferably male) friends who would be there when you give him notice, and also be there on the day he must move out. Can you get someone to stay with you for the (at most a week) notice period? Anyone?

If not, I'd nearly consider giving him notice, moving to a hotel for the week (I know, the expense but your happiness is worth it), and bring someone along on the day he moves out. Have police number on speed dial and don't hesitate to call them if he becomes difficult. If you get him out, have a locksmith standing by to change your locks immediately.

Who knows, he might just go without fuss. Stranger things have happened, but you won't know until you tell him he needs to go.

Do up a plan, a timeline within the next week at least, and stick to it. Get some support from someone, anyone you know and trust. Don't dither on your own. I think you need someone there to buck you up and give you the strength to do it, for once and for all. It's not easy, but it has to be done. Your set up in your OWN house is just no way to live anymore. Best of luck.

If you're in Hampshire OP I'd happily come over and tell him to get out on your behalf 🤷‍♀️🤣

Thanks!!!!

He’s a lodger, not a tenant. give him two weeks notice - but you need to take advice so that when you do give him notice you can tell him you’re following the advice given so he knows you’re not acting alone and that you have back up

So now, everyone has told you to kick him out, what are you going to do? It sounds like you are vulnerable, and easy prey to horrible men. You can work on making your life better. You might have more time on your hands to do that once you are rid of him. The danger is youll get under another man's control tho in future, so youll need to watch that.

Your life will be so much easier if you get rid of him, OP. Then you can find a lodger who will respect you & your home, & I recommend looking for a woman.

Apologies - I made an assumption when you said you took him shopping. So just driving then - but even that has a cost. Honestly you have made a rod for your own back with him. Kick him out, get your peace of mind back. I know you're worried about the money and looking for a full time job - but he's a drain on your finances. If you work, can you increase your hours? If you don't can you look for something part time in the meantime? He sounds like a pig, sorry but he does. He's taking all sorts of advantage of you and has done for over a decade. Plus you could always get another lodger who is respectful and pays the going rate. Life could be so much better - give him notice and do it now.

Honestly why does it matter if he tells people you’re a bad person? He likely treats everyone the same way so I’m not sure anyone would be surprised. You can’t just endure years of abuse just because you’re scared of what others will think. Kick him out and if you do rent again to someone else then put boundaries in place so it doesn’t end up in this situation again as this is not normal.

Give him notice
Out he goes.
Who cares if others think you are a bad person?

Once he's gone you can advertise for another lodger.

He'll be fine. He'll fall in love with some woman in no time at all and go and cocklodge with her. This is what these types do.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you're behaving like an absolute mug (for 12 years?!) and frankly, to do nothing but whine on Mumsnet about it makes you look worse than anyone would judge you about in RL.

Come the fuck on, get some self respect.

The best time to give him notice would have been 12 years ago. The second best time is today.

Yeah if you’re in London me and the dogs and DH will come over - and one of the dogs hates men so it will be a right dust up

Life is too short. Kick him out. Good luck.

@partialsoup do you have any kind of written agreement?

I wrote up a lodger agreement quite a few yrs ago. I never added in anything about rent but a nice person woukd offer more especially with all bills going up

@partialsoup he is not ‘like family’ - well, not the normal kind anyway. Please please please get rid of him. Contact Women’s Aid and tell them what you have told us. This is just so terribly sad for you. And probably costs more than you make so you can manage on your own!

This is mainly on you OP as others have said just give him two weeks notice to leave.

When you say you don't want people to think badly of you, what people are you referring to?

I guess his mum, I really liked her but had a bust up with his dad about 5 years ago when we visited them. he is just like his dad, a fecking arse