money control with lodger

[partialsoup]

ASo I have a lodger who started out as a potential partner then moved to being my friend now my worst enemy. He's a narcissist, takes ut doesn't give while I'm a suffering landlady who does more for him than I should. we've lived together 12 yrs and despite the number of yrs he only gives me £400 month rent for which he gets his own living room and bedroom. i also do all the house work, gardening and laundry. I also take him shopping every week. What do I get in return just his rent and nothing else. He recently started working shifts at the weekend and needs a lift to work at 5.15am as the buses dont run at that time. he started these shifts in May and so far I've done 14 trips of 6 miles each way to work and 10 pick ups from a local area about 2 miles away after work.

He said he would "pay me" but like all our talks about money it ended with an argument. He finally agreed on £5 (a taxi would cost £15). He's terrible at paying me money and I often get it months later. For the local.pick ups he said he'd give me access to all.if his streaming services. I was ok with this and thought we'd made a fair agreement. Last night he got home from work and I asked why he hadn't called me to pick.him up. He made some comment about me charging him. I said we'd agreed on me using his streaming services to which he blew up saying how much he pays for them etc. I told him to forget it and I deleted them all. He said ill judt give you petrol money and I said I wouldn't be picking him up again. This morning he got a taxi to work. my friend tells me to chuck him out but I'm used to him being there and the rent money helps me whil I'm trying to.find a full time job. He makes me feel.like I'm some kind of gold digger when it comes to money and says he pays my bills. I've told him yes he pays rent but if he rented elsewhere he'd be paying more and would be paying someone else bills. He wont give notice and if I gave him notice he'd paint me as a horrible person for kicking him out. Amy questions are, would be unreasonable to ask for more rent?? is ,£5 for a lift to work bad? why are men like this? is withholding money owed abuse? please help!!!

But here we are thinking badly of you… probably thousands of us!
Go on, make us all proud and hand him his written notice tonight.

I am sure you could find a much better lodger for more money and far less hassle.

He is a bully and a narcissist who only cares about himself

Who would think badly of you? Why on earth do you even care anyway? This is no way to live, and you are not in a relationship with this twat.

People probably think that you are mad to be putting up with this shit and wonder why you didn't boot him out long ago.

If you don’t ’break the chain’ this will continue to be your life forever. He knows he’s got a good thing so why would he move out.

You hold all of the power.

Do you want to chuck him out or not? You have complete control of the situation.

I've had lodgers in the past.

They have...
Done their own laundry (inc. bedding &towels)
Cooked their own food
Got themselves to work & back/had their own vehicle.
Paid on time, in full.
Kept their room tidy
Had their own shelf in the fridge and had freezer space.
Not had overnight guests.

In return I have
Provided a bed and bedroom furniture
Use of a vacuum cleaner
Provided household basics like loo roll and hand soap
Bathroom facilities
Off street parking
Included gas and electric in their rent.

Well if you won't give notice then I don't know what anyone can say to help you?

If you don't want your lodger anymore you give notice. That's the only solution.

He's no longer your partner and he's abusing you. So why do you not want him out of your house ASAP?

Text him he is to be out of your property by Friday, no discussions and the police will remove him if he chooses to tantrum or get aggressive. Any reply other than 'ok', reduce his time limit to tomorrow.

If anyone asks if you evicted him, smile, be proud and say yes, because he is scum.

Is there someone you can talk to in real life about this, @partialsoup?

I was paying £400 for lodging in South East London back in 2016, & that was for use of one small bedroom.

So true, a room in a shared house round here would be £580 without sole use of a large living room. He makes me feel like shit if I mention money. if I owe him a penny he will hound me for it but happy not to pay rent for a couple of months.

If it wasn’t for the lack of criminal activity this sounds like a cuckooing situation, are you scared of him OP, do you worry about what he might do if you asked him to leave?

It's almost like a trauma bond with an ex. He has you jumping when he clicks his fingers. You need to break that bond but you can only do that if you give him notice . Tell him any bullshit. You need the spare room to store some medical equipment you're gonna need in the next couple of months. Your adult child is coming back to live with you, whatever it takes but you need to break it coz youre like his puppet and once you're free you will see how much hold he had over you.

Our relationship has had some bad times but as a narcissist he is always the victim. I suppose I do stuff for an easy life. He can be quite volatile if you go against him.

If you really comb through your budget, I think you will find that he is costing you more than he pays you. If I am wrong, you are at the very least not making as much profit as you think. What you pay in taxes, utilities, cleaning supplies, wear and tear on the home, it all adds up.

I gave up reading at he agreed he'd give you £5 for doing him a huge favour. He agreed??? What did you agree to?

Come on, OP, if this is genuine he's one of the worst CFs ever to inhabit Mumsnet. Get rid of him immediately. And don't give a flying fuck how he bad mouths you.

Your right its a bad bond. probably because I dont have many ppl in my life he is like family

put the rent up so high he has to move out

This is genuine and I have shared the half of it.

And I suspect you think life with him, is better than life without him.

He’s not a lodger and a lot of people are thinking badly about you right now OP. So this is not going well for you already. He’s a prick and you need to get rid. Why are you going on about if only he’d help you. He isn’t going to, he’s not your husband/partner or friend. He’s hateful and you are being foolish to think he will change. Get rid of him and get a proper lodger of you need the money. Also use some of that money for therapy to work out why you think skivvying after someone for 12 years because you don’t want people thinking badly of you if a good way to spend your life.

If you don't have many people in your life your concerns that people will think badly of you is pretty irrelevant, isn't it?

Not sure if this thread is genuine. It's hardly a head scratcher is it? You have someone living in your house who you don't like who is exploiting you and underpaying rent. You can fix all of these problems in one fell swoop by kicking him out and getting a legit lodger in. Not rocket science, is it?

So you’re basically his servant because you’re too scared to let him think badly of you? Just kick him out - it really doesn’t matter if he thinks you’re the scum of the earth. It doesn’t matter if he’s a narc or whatever other label you want to give him, it’s irrelevant. Just give him a few weeks notice.

I've been bullied all my school life have never had the confidence to do week at work, lived with my mum all my life, never had a relationship until I met him, the list of whys is long and endless.

Oh you poor lady. He is really abusing you.
Would you consider therapy to help you deal with your aversion to moving him
out? Maybe it would give you the strength to stop being a doormat?

Please take heed of what everyone is telling you on MN.

Kick him out, decorate the room(s) and get yourself a lovely new lodger who will be a pleasure to have around.

Sorry! Didn’t mean to embolden everything. Can’t seem to take it back.

Kick him out. Get a different lodger, don't do their cooking/shopping/laundry/lifts. With the additional rent and lower expenditure you will be at least £250/month better off and able to afford whatever streaming services you want.