Pregnant after ONS with friend. Do I tell him?

[Fivelea]

A few weeks ago a very long-standing and wonderful friend came to stay. I have known him over 20 years. I honestly don't know why or how, but out of nowhere we had sex.

We used a condom, but astonishingly and for reasons I can't fathom I discovered yesterday that I am pregnant.

I don't want to keep the baby. I have two older children from my former marriage (both teens) and whilst my friend is a genuinely lovely man he is in a similar position. Co parenting would not work for many many reasons.

The pregnancy is in its earliest stages and I plan on stopping it. But I don't know whether to tell him. I love him dearly as a friend (the sex was a completely out of character one time thing) and would never want to keep a secret from him. But this one is so big and potentially complicated that it outweighs others. I wouldn't want to muddy the waters around my decision, or make him feel bad in any way. Nobody else knows and I can keep a secret (I had an abortion at 19 and nobody knows about that decades later). What do people think? Tell or don't tell?

If you are 100% certain that you want to have a termination, then I wouldn’t tell him.

This is really, completely, up to you.

Don't tell out of guilt or obligation.

No, I wouldn’t. You’re having a termination so where’s the benefit in him knowing?

What will you do if you tell,him and he says he'd like to keep the baby, or he goes the other way and doesn't believe you as you used a condom. I wouldn't tell him.

I’m wouldn’t, there is nothing to be gained from it.

In this situation if you are definitely sure you’re not keeping it then I’d just leave it. Nothing good will come out of telling him.

It depends.

How do you think he would react? Would he be supportive if you had a termination? Or would he pressure you to keep it?

Do you have someone as aftercare if you end up getting a surgical termination?

I wouldn't tell him.

If you have already made up your mind that you are going to terminate, then I cannot see anything positive in telling your friend of the pregnancy. It could damage your friendship going forward because you are not actively giving him a choice in the decision.
Best of luck.

This was the message I typed and deleted. Thing is she really can't predict how he'll react and there's a chance he will see it as a situation he should have some say in.
If OP needs support for the termination and aftercare I'd ask another friend or family member.
Tbh I can't really think of a good reason to tell him.

I wouldn't tell him.

Yeah. I honestly don't know how he'd react. I mean, I suspect he'd be as shocked as I was, but I have never talked about abortion with him so I don't know his views on it, and obviously any abstract views fly out the window when the reality hits you anyway.
I suspect he'd just want me to be OK in the first instance, and that that would be his overriding concern.
The consensus seems to be not to tell him, which is my instinct.
The whole thing is very weird. I just can't believe I'm pregnant.

He’s your friend. You’ve already had sex. I think if you wanted to tell him, it would be fine.

Hopefully a surgical termination won't be required. I am confident I can manage it alone. I had a surgical termination at 19 and managed both the physical and mental impact alone back then, so I think I will be able to again.

I wouldn’t. If you have already made your decision then I don’t see any benefit in him being told but I can see potential drawbacks.
He doesn’t need to know your private medical information.

If it’s surgical you will need someone to drive you home and be with you for 24 hours after the anaesthetic

I can see both sides, and ultimately it’s your choice, however I do think he’s a right to know. It’s not something I could keep from someone I cared about. It would be different if it was a ONS with someone you’d only just met.The fact you’ve had sex kind of changes the dynamics of the friendship. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

I have tried hard for it not to have changed the dynamic of the friendship, and I fear that telling him would undo that (and then some!).

We had a slightly embarrassed morning before he left but since then we have texted a lot in the same way we did before, and it's not been mentioned. I'm sure he, like me, presumed that there would not have been consequences.

Just thinking about it, I will need an STI test now won't I? That complicates matters slightly.

No don't tell him. What if after hearing you're pregnant he decides he wants the child? It's not fair to tell him if you know you're going to have an abortion.

If you are definately terminating I wouldn't tell him.
To me, it seems somehow wrong to not tell him but there is no reason he needs to know because it won't make any difference to your decision and will complicate everything.
If you were on the fence about keeping it, I'd say he should know but as it is, there is nothing to gain.
Good luck eith everything.

Again, if you think you need one, get one although I wouldn't tell him you were getting one unless it shows something. As a friend, I'd actually be a bit upset if said you were getting an STI test after having sex with me.

I won't tell him anything unless the STI test shows something. I don't think he would have one but I am careful about these things (although clearly not careful enough, it turns out)

It probably won’t hurt to have one which hopefully will be OK. I wouldn’t tell him you’re doing so. If it comes back positive then that does complicate things and he’ll have to be told.

Or you can arrange an afternoon appointment and stay in the clinic or hospital overnight

You absolutely have to tell him. It’s a big betrayal if you don’t. He can’t stop you terminating but he has a right to know your encounter resulted in a pregnancy that you’re not planning to continue with.