Pregnant after ONS with friend. Do I tell him?

[Fivelea]

A few weeks ago a very long-standing and wonderful friend came to stay. I have known him over 20 years. I honestly don't know why or how, but out of nowhere we had sex.

We used a condom, but astonishingly and for reasons I can't fathom I discovered yesterday that I am pregnant.

I don't want to keep the baby. I have two older children from my former marriage (both teens) and whilst my friend is a genuinely lovely man he is in a similar position. Co parenting would not work for many many reasons.

The pregnancy is in its earliest stages and I plan on stopping it. But I don't know whether to tell him. I love him dearly as a friend (the sex was a completely out of character one time thing) and would never want to keep a secret from him. But this one is so big and potentially complicated that it outweighs others. I wouldn't want to muddy the waters around my decision, or make him feel bad in any way. Nobody else knows and I can keep a secret (I had an abortion at 19 and nobody knows about that decades later). What do people think? Tell or don't tell?

She absolutely does not have to tell him or anyone else her private medical information. This is her body we are talking about here.

I would tell him if he's genuinely a really good friend and person. I'd have to just be honest rather than keeping him in the dark.

No way I’d be telling him. I view early abortion at this stage as similar to MAP.

Tell him for what reason?

Do you think he might have secretly removed the condom whilst DTD?

If you told him and he wanted to keep the baby and co-parent with you would it change your views? Is it the doing it alone that bothers you or even if he wanted the baby would you still terminate?

if you would terminate regardless then there is no point in telling him

No it doesn’t, not even a little bit. If she told him it would be for support or to avoid keeping secrets in their friendship. She owes him absolutely nothing and he has no ‘right’.

OP unless you want to tell him I wouldn’t, this is your personal medical business. And he’d likely not want the burden of knowing anyway so it’s not like you’d be doing him a favour to tell him. Put yourself first here and do what feels right for you

What makes you think that she might think her friend has raped her? I can’t see how she’s giving off that vibe at all

I think you should tell him. These sort of things usually have a habit of being found out third hand down the line.

IF you plan to tell him, I’d do so after the termination if you felt there was any way he’d try and talk you out of it.

I think it depends on your relationship with him. Does he provide day to day support with other events in your life?
Would you like some support through the next steps? If you do, he could be the right person to provide this.

No, I can’t see what would be gained from telling him.

Im just wondering why it didnt work. Ive used them for 22 years and they've always worked.

I wouldn’t tell him.

Telling him can have no benefits at all.

Best of luck.

He might be heartbroken if you tell him and it might cause him pain. Does he have any children ?on another note I find it strange that you could be friends with someone for 20 years and randomly have sex if you have never had romantic feelings for the person and then expect the friendship to carry on as normal

Don’t tell him. Just get on with it asap.

If you tell him & then abort it might make him think he can get away with impregnating women because it’s easy to get rid of the evidence.

If you tell him & he wants you to retain the pregnancy, his perspective will complicate your decision making. It could add a complication you don’t need.

If you need drop & collect from hospital, no need to tell him what it’s for. Lots of procedures require drop and pick up afterwards.

So, to summarize, don’t tell him. Just get it done.

I feel sad that you are in this situation but if you can cope with the aftermath and it seems you will, make your appointment …. quickly.

They do fail sometimes like all contraception, but it’s far more likely that they didn’t put it on quite right than he’s sexually assaulted her given their friendship.

No if you’ve already decided what you want to do then I don’t see the merit in telling him.

I wouldn't tell him. You are sure what you want.

If I DID tell him in your shoes it would be after the abortion but I don't see what the benefits would be to telling him really.

Did he provide the condom op? Just curious.

There's no point. It's more likely to damage your relationship if you tell him than if you don't.

I wouldn't tell him. You've already decided what you want to do, what would be the point.

Your body, your choice. I wouldn't tell him.

I think it depends on whether you'd prefer him to know, or feel better with his support.

I think I'd feel weird not telling someone who was a friend. Just keeping the secret would make me feel uncomfortable.

Just remember, gonorrhea and Chlamydia can take up to two weeks to show up on a swab test, so of you test before then, and the tests are negative, you can't rely on that result. HIV can take up to 6weeks and syphilis up to three months, so arrange a blood test three months after the sex.