Hello,
This is just me screaming into the void because I'm having a really tough time and I'm honestly at breaking point.
My partner was away on a business trip from Monday until Thursday evening, so I've been solo-parenting our toddler, who is two months away from turning three.
On Monday afternoon our fridge and freezer died. I had to throw away everything that had defrosted (mush), plus a lot of the food from the fridge. Since then I've been improvising with a big plastic tub full of water and ice cubes that our lovely neighbours keep topping up for us. Another neighbour has a box of our fish fingers in their freezer.
Then I got some test results back from my GP. Thankfully all my samples were clear, and my bloods were fine apart from one Ovarian marker that's very slightly raised (36 when it should be under 35). I've got an ultrasound with the hospital's radiology department first thing tomorrow morning to check my ovaries and have a gynae scan. I'm trying to tell myself it'll all be fine, but I've also been getting stabbing pains on my right-hand side. Maybe it's ovulation pain. Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's something else. My brain is doing what brains do.
This is where shit gets shit.
Last night I was brushing my toddler's teeth when I spotted a little dark brown bug by the bathroom radiator, low down. Took a photo because I thought, "Surely not..." Checked it online after I'd put todfler to sleep.
Yep. Cockroach.
Grabbed it with a bit of tissue, chucked it out bathroom window.
My partner thinks it's probably just one that's wandered in because of the heat and that I'm overreacting. I wasn't willing to take the chance, so I've already paid for pest control to come on Monday.
Then today my stepdaughter came home from school, later when I got in from work she immediately asked if I could help with a bug in her bedroom. My heart absolutely sank. I grabbed the hoover, but the little bugger disappeared before I could catch it. At that point I was genuinely panicking, although I tried not to show it in front of her. She overheard me on the phone to her dad explaining that we might actually have a problem.
I keep.thinking, fucking why? I'm so house proud, the place is so clean. We have a cleaner who comes once a week. I do.in between cleans. My partner has a GP at me for being obsessive and wanting to live in an "Architectural Design" home. I do like things super clean and tidy.
I rang a South African friend, who basically said we should be trying to expedite the pest control process, get one in sooner. My partner still thinks I'm making too much of it.
Then came tonight.
When my partner finally got home from his trip, we went to a local pizza chain. It was fairly quiet because it's being Thursday and what with there a major tournament on.
Our toddler had actually been really well behaved all evening. He's just obsessed with steps and climbing on things, and I think he was tired, hot, excited to see his dad and happy to be with his big sister.
While his dad was paying the bill, he let go of my hand and ran across the restaurant. Before I could catch him, he went behind a woman sitting at another table and pinched her really hard with both hands.
She screamed.
I ran over immediately, apologised profusely and tried to get him to apologise too. Of course he wouldn't. He's not even three and thought the whole thing had become a game.
The lady was understandably upset and said, "That's not cool."
I apologised again and explained that he isn't even three years old. She wouldn't accept the apology and seemed disgusted that he couldn't be made to apologise himself.
I completely understand why she was upset. It probably hurt, especially because - fucking idiot that I am - his nails desperately needed cutting. I'm a day or two behind with them. I feel awful about that.
But I also found the whole interaction really triggering.
I'm the youngest of three, and my middle brother is autistic. Not just on the spectrum, properly autistic. Growing up, whenever he had a meltdown or behaved unexpectedly, I remember all the cold, judgemental stares from strangers. Tonight just took me straight back there.
Maybe that lady has her own trauma too. Maybe she's experienced domestic abuse or something similar so my toddler pinching her was horrendous for her I don't know. . Maybe we were both carrying things in that moment.
I cried all the way home.
My toddler got told off. His big sister was brilliant at explaining why what he'd done wasn't okay.
When we got home I brushed his teeth and immediately got the nail clippers out. I was so determined to sort it that I think I was probably too firm with him. Now I feel absolutely horrible. It feels like I hurt my little boy because I was reacting to a stranger's reaction.
Now I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, typing this, while also needing to set an alarm because I have to be at the hospital first thing tomorrow morning.
Please be kind. I'm really on the edge tonight.