I think this is a me issue...but also he should do what he said he would?

[Purpleandping]

BF and I belong to the same sports club and there's a training session tonight. It's very low key, no one turns up to all the sessions, but BF enjoys it and does generally prioritise it.

He has been invited to do something else this evening. Something much more suited to the hot weather and in his shoes I'd do that.

When I saw him last night he was undecided and said he'd let me know.

It doesn't matter to me. I shall go to club anyway. We usually travel seperately and aren't in the same training groups anyway. I am genuinely happy if he chooses the other thing. I think he should, it's with a friend who's important to him, but he doesn't see much of. But, people will ask after him and it makes me feel foolish if I don't know if he's coming or not.

He hasn't let me know. What's probably happened is he's made the obvious decision and forgotten that he ever said he'd let me know, especially as it really makes no difference to me either way.

But, it upsets me when he "lets me down" by not doing what he said he would, even when the thing doesn't actually matter. I feel it as rejection, which I know is unreasonable. I hate it on an emotional hurt level when anyone lets me down, over anything, no matter how small.

So, it's my issue, but he still should have done as he said?!

Does he know how important it is to you to know? And is this a common feature with him or a one-off?

I imagine he forgot because it really has nothing to do with you so you weren’t the first thing on his mind when making his decision. I think you’re being a bit weirdly involved in this. You don’t live together, you don’t travel together, literally no one is going to think it’s weird if you don’t know what his every move is.

Never mind the fact it’s still hours away.

Yes , you are being unreasonable, you know there's some work to do, so maybe use this as a catalyst.
Yes, he should keep his word. Reliability matters.
Both can be true.

He's very reliable about the things which matter, but he's a people pleaser which sometimes means he spreads himself a bit thin by agreeing to too much. Also he genuinely wants to do everything! He could have ADHD (maybe?) as he's not very organised and a bit last minute about things.

He's very much it'll be alright on the night and I'm a planner.

I don’t think this would bother me. What exactly is causing you concern about it?

On a rational level I'm not "concerned" at all. I'm happy for him to go and enjoy himself and I don't need him to tell me which he chose.

Emotionally, it's like a punch in the stomach that either he thinks of me so little that he forgot he said he'd let me know, or he remembered but CBA.

I wouldn’t be bothered either.

Oh god ‘a punch in the stomach emotionally’ is such an extreme statement here.

Well I know that, but it doesn't change how I feel.

Edited to say I missed the quote @Purpleandping my comment below is in reply to the punch to the stomach btw.

Then tell him that. Tell him you know it isn’t a rational thing that concerns you, but that it does, and that he can help you feeling this way by following up. If he is reasonable he will do it and all is well

Why don’t you call or message him, and ask what he’s decided to do?

Because I don't need to know what he decided. I "need" him to do what he said he would.

But it isn’t unreasonable to ask him again…he may have just forgotten. Otherwise you are choosing to feel a certain way when you can resolve it by having a conversation with him now. Then by setting expectations moving forward

I do sort of get where you’re coming from. How long have you been together?
Im going to assume that because he’s not let you know his decision, that you’ve not spoken to him at all today? Is that normal for you both? Or have you spoken about other stuff and he’s just not mentioned it?

OK. Have you felt this way in previous relationships? It seems very dramatic.

I’m confused. What has he said he will do? The training or trip?

It wouldn't resolve it though. The issue (for me) isn't that I don't know, it's that he didn't tell me as promised. If I call him, I'll have information that doesn't bother me either way, but he still won't have done as he said.

Let me know which he's chosen.

Uhmmm
I can relate, and for me it’s an autistic trait, that it really unsettles me when people don’t follow through on their word. I don’t mind someone changing their mind, but if they don’t say so, it’s like finding that there’s a piece in the jigsaw.
It’s something I feel in my gut too - not a punch exactly, but a vibration.

And people do it all the time, so it’s definitely a me issue. They don’t even know they do it and some people pride themselves on being “a man of my word” when they’re not. Not remotely.

Any chance you’re on the spectrum, op?

I see him nearly every day, but we're not generally in touch during the working day, unless there's a specific reason. We don't "chat" by text.

Nearly 2 years together.

I never thought so, but since I hit middle age I do wonder.

That’s why my answer was twofold. Find out what he is doing now (because one of the things you said earlier was that you didn’t like not being able to tell people what he was doing as you felt foolish) and second tell him what you need from him moving forward then you avoid the punch in the gut feeling.

I had a think about this and if DH had told me he’d left me know- he would. It’s just basic respect and he is the kind of person who is hyper aware of things he’s promised to do. As am I to be fair.

Yes, that's probably part of it. If I say I'm going to do something I do it, no matter how insignificant.

So just message him and ask. Problem solved!