I think this is a me issue...but also he should do what he said he would?

[Purpleandping]

BF and I belong to the same sports club and there's a training session tonight. It's very low key, no one turns up to all the sessions, but BF enjoys it and does generally prioritise it.

He has been invited to do something else this evening. Something much more suited to the hot weather and in his shoes I'd do that.

When I saw him last night he was undecided and said he'd let me know.

It doesn't matter to me. I shall go to club anyway. We usually travel seperately and aren't in the same training groups anyway. I am genuinely happy if he chooses the other thing. I think he should, it's with a friend who's important to him, but he doesn't see much of. But, people will ask after him and it makes me feel foolish if I don't know if he's coming or not.

He hasn't let me know. What's probably happened is he's made the obvious decision and forgotten that he ever said he'd let me know, especially as it really makes no difference to me either way.

But, it upsets me when he "lets me down" by not doing what he said he would, even when the thing doesn't actually matter. I feel it as rejection, which I know is unreasonable. I hate it on an emotional hurt level when anyone lets me down, over anything, no matter how small.

So, it's my issue, but he still should have done as he said?!

Middle aged, goodness I thought you were teens 🤣

Train him up. He has to learn to make notifying you a priority because it upsets you when he doesn't let you know what he's doing. It reads like you have anxiety and that it might be calming to you when you do know what he's doing. Knowing his whereabouts is part of your "love language." You have to explain this to him.

Your job is to find someone qualified to diagnose your need to know his whereabouts and help you manage it because it is somewhat intrusive. We all have stuff. Every one of us has a quirk. There is no escape from being human, but you do have to be honest with him. He will let you know if he can or will do what you need or not. Talk to him. Explain. Get help.

Have you told him thst this is your emotional reaction? He needs to oniw this this relationship is ment to continue

what he does with that info will tell you if hes a keeper

you must look into therapy this is an extreme reaction snd warrants a deep dive

All this would take is a message to say “ hey what did you decide to do this evening “ and then you will know but you won’t because you want to test him. You’re testing him to see if he tells you without prompting and if he doesn’t tell you then you’re going to be hurt. Is that it ?

He didn’t swear in blood! I agree with pp that it’s a bit throw away and as his decision doesn’t change anything for you then it doesn’t really matter that he hasn’t told you.

it would be different if you were waiting on an answer before being able to do something yourself

it sounds like you are happy in the relationship but this either shows you are not compatible or you need to bend a bit towards his ways. ‘Training’ him to your way of thinking isn’t healthy and you should be able to meet in the middle - maybe more towards one than the other at times!

OP, even after 2 years, I think you are holding on a bit tightly here. He isn't meeting you specifically but attending something you both attend. He can decide at the last minute which to do, or something totally different, without letting you down.

I agree with PP who says 'I'll let you know' is a 'see you later' type phrase. You don't need to know, from his perspective, as far as I can tell.

Also, your reason of having to tell other people where he is baffles me a bit. I'm often not entirely sure exactly where my husband is and will often reveal this to a friend asking without feeling it is problematic. I might even have forgotten what he was doing. It isn't a problem. I don't feel I should be the expert on what he is up to or that other people think that. I don't think wanting to make a last minute plan is enough to suggest ADHD.

I am probably more of a planner than DH who is more spontaneous but, kindly, even I might feel a bit constrained by having to 'let you know' if I was coming so you could 'tell everyone.'

If you don't need to coordinate your activities because of shared responsibilities like kids, I think this isn't a problem to most people. I understand that it feels problematic to you but I think perhaps prepare yourself for him seeing it differently. I don't think this is a sign of a bad relationship or a lack of respect at all.

Do you think you might have ADHD or some other neurodiversity? It sounds a little bit like rejection sensitivity dysphoria which is pretty common - where any type of rejection or failure to follow through on something feels like a really personal insult even if it isn’t really that big a deal. And then it really preys on your mind for much longer than it should. I might be completely off track here, but it just rang a few bells.

So we talked last night and I explained that often when he's done "wrong" it's not the thing he did or didn't do that upsets me but that he didn't do what he said he'd do, that right or wrong, I need to feel secure in the knowledge that he's genuine and reliable.

He seems to get it and said he'll fix it. I know it's a big ask for him to always follow tbrough on the little things, but at least he understands why seemingly little things can upset me.

It's all good, no drama just a little chat.

So, if his plans changed, and he decided to do the ‘wrong’ thing, if he messaged you to tell you, would that be okay?

Honestly, it's starting to feel a little controlling.

The problem is that it may get to a point where he starts being non committal because he doesn’t want the pressure to remember to do something extremely minor

I don’t understand why you didn’t just text him to ask him? Everyone forgets minor things from time to time.

If he is reliable In other ways give the man a break .. who cares what other people in the gym think.
You might annoy him being too touchy about things that really dont matter
Choose your arguments wisely .

Maybe I’m a bit laid back, I’m not BtW, but this is a non issue and I feel you’re overthinking. If anyone asks where he is, say “not sure, probably got a better offer ha ha “ and move on. No one cares, they really don’t.