I think this is a me issue...but also he should do what he said he would?

[Purpleandping]

BF and I belong to the same sports club and there's a training session tonight. It's very low key, no one turns up to all the sessions, but BF enjoys it and does generally prioritise it.

He has been invited to do something else this evening. Something much more suited to the hot weather and in his shoes I'd do that.

When I saw him last night he was undecided and said he'd let me know.

It doesn't matter to me. I shall go to club anyway. We usually travel seperately and aren't in the same training groups anyway. I am genuinely happy if he chooses the other thing. I think he should, it's with a friend who's important to him, but he doesn't see much of. But, people will ask after him and it makes me feel foolish if I don't know if he's coming or not.

He hasn't let me know. What's probably happened is he's made the obvious decision and forgotten that he ever said he'd let me know, especially as it really makes no difference to me either way.

But, it upsets me when he "lets me down" by not doing what he said he would, even when the thing doesn't actually matter. I feel it as rejection, which I know is unreasonable. I hate it on an emotional hurt level when anyone lets me down, over anything, no matter how small.

So, it's my issue, but he still should have done as he said?!

No it's not. Because the "problem" is that he didn't do as he said, not that I don't know which he chose.

If all he said was “I will let you know” he hasn’t said how he would do so.

it could be in response to you asking.
it could be him calling and telling you.

in both of the above ways, he would be letting you know (and keeping his word).

You have assumed he would be proactive. He may have assumed he’d be reactive. Neither assumption is incorrect.

I wouldn’t like to be forgotten, either. I’d like to be included, when you’ve said you
include me. I don’t want to feel marginal, to my partner.
so I guess it depends.. we don’t know if you have anxious attachment or if he’s a bit distant or unreliable, from just one example.

Wow that is some gymnastics there to mean he would have ‘kept his word’

I would say to him that if he said he would let you know then you expect him to do just that. It is just rude to say he will then not. As you say asking him doesn’t help in this situation and why should you? He said he would let you know and he should keep to what he said.

He forgot, we all forget things sometimes (I bet even you do sometimes) it wasn't important (you don't care either way) so no big deal that he forgot to tell you, you are nit picking, putting him in the wrong for nothing. At worst it's a thought you were going to let me know when you next see him. If anyone asks where he is you just say I'm not sure if he's coming he had something else on, you're not joined at the hip.

He is perhaps undecided because he might be spontaneous person
Planning everything is bound to annoy you when others are not like that.
I love spontaneous decisions and no set plans especially because planning everyrhing isnt nessary.
Is it a control issue? On your part.

But he hasn’t not done as he said yet. Presumably he’s working, you said you don’t communicate during the working day and there’s every chance that he’s going to decide what he’s doing once he finishes work.
His plans don’t impact your plans so until it has passed the time he needs to leave to go to where he’s decided, he hasn’t went back on his word

Yes that's definitely why he didn't decide yesterday, he was probably still trying to work out (in his head) how he could do both. But, he said he would let me know. If he hadn't said that there would be no issue or I'd just have asked.

If he's doing the other thing, he'll have already gone.

Life is too short for this OP, you need to get over it. If it makes no difference to you anyway I honestly can’t understand your dramatic reactions here

I’m sorry but you’re being really overdramatic if this feels like a punch in the stomach to you. It slipped his mind, it happens. Have you thought to check in and ask for yourself what he has decided to do?

YABU. Your 'feelings' that you must be told what he's doing without you one night don't get to trump his right to decide at the last minute. You need to get over treating his not following through on the tiniest of inconsequential things as if it's a punch to your gut.

I knew someone who said she felt as though she was punched in the gut when she discovered a friend had more money than her! Sooooo… I think it’s an anxiety response and the issue is the anxiety rather than the trigger.

That's it I ansolutely don't need to know, but I do need him to do what he says will.

If he'd just said he'd call or message rather than for what purpose, and didn't, would that be OK?

No, you need to do some work on yourself to untangle these very normal things people forget from the horrendous personal slight you seem to feel they are.

Behaving like this is the quickest way to end a relationship OP, unclench

Is he unreliable? Do you trust him?

Whilst this individual occasion isn’t a massive problem, a long-term partnership with someone who doesn’t keep their word is a massive issue, especially after kids, so do bear that in mind.

A family member has had an awful marriage with a man who just “goes with the flow” (meaning he leaves all the organising to her), doesn’t let her know when he’ll be home or away (so she’s the default childcare) and essentially can’t be relied on for anything as he’ll decide at the last possible minute what he’s doing and potentially fuck up everyone’s plans to do it.

As I said at the start, it’s not a major problem today, but be wary if this is a pattern.

I think you're being really, really silly. If it really matters, just ask him

I get the feeling foolish if people ask and you don’t know bit sort of undermines your relationship (it actually doesn’t but you might think people will see it as such). But also you can just have something prepared like ‘he hadn’t decided when I spoke to him this morning’

"I'll let you know" is a very casual phrase that people throw in at the end of conversations, a bit like how many people say "see you later" at the end of a chat although you both know you won't actually see eachother later. "I'll let you know" is not a super firm commitment, it's more like "let's chat later" so no need to take it so seriously. Your DP probably isn't a mind reader and won't know you're expecting him to act the same way as you. Happens a lot to me!

Actually, that's a really helpful way to look at it, thank you.

‘I’ll let you know’ is not really the same as promising to confirm, is it?
It’s just a generic thing people say.

If someone asks you, just say something like, last time I spoke to him, he wasn’t sure what he was doing.

Really can’t see the big deal- although I’m much more likely to be more like your partner in this scenario.

I get why you’re annoyed, OP. But you really are overreacting. Yes, he should have let you know, but at the same time he is human, and humans forget things and make mistakes. It’s not fair to hold him to impossible standards.

But, people will ask after him and it makes me feel foolish if I don't know if he's coming or not.

Why feel foolish? Just say 'Last I knew he was still undecided'

Do you think that updating you on his plans might be one of the people pleasing things he has agreed to that has spread him too thin?

Because while I agree with others that it's a turn of phrase that isn't necessarily meant to be taken literally, it's also the kind of thing that I might fully intend to do, but bump off my list as something in a really busy day that can be dropped/postponed if I end up with less time than I thought (also time blind as well as over committing myself - it's a wild ride hanging out with me!).