I have decided not to drink anymore. I think I will loose friends

[Kingfisherfly]

My main friendship group likes a drink, and whilst trips etc are planned around an activity, every opportunity is taken to get a (lot to) drink afterwards.

Tbf I've enjoyed that. I don't drink everyday, or even every week, but historically when I've had a drink, I've had a lot. I've also been someone as keen as the others to have a drink when we're out.

As I've got older I've started to take more interest in my health and recently I really don't want to be losing the next day to a hangover. I've also started to begrudge the cost. I've cut back a lot, and even that hasn't been very popular.

This weekend, while everyone else was having pints of beer, I had a half of cider topped up with ice, alternated with soda water, so I drank less than half the others.

I didn't enjoy it. I never got the benefit of feeling "drunk" and it seemed to make me anxious and hypersensitive. I felt upset by something others had said or done most of the day, and it's really not like me to take things so personally.

Plus, despite my efforts, I still felt tired, headachy, thirsty and generally jaded next day.

So I've decided that's it, no more drink and I don't think I'll miss it. But, my friends will. I know people will say if they were proper friends etc, but tbf it is quite a change and it does change the dynamic if one person isn't drinking.

What is your experience of of boozy friendships when someone stops drinking?

In my friendship group there is a mixture of people who drink and who don't. True friends will not mind, the ones who do probably have a questionable relationship with drink.

I wouldn't make an issue about just order what you want.

The best bit is our "activites" are very much based around exercise and fitness....and then we've earned a drink! The worst I've seen DP for drink was the day we ran a marathon!

One of my best friends did the same and for similar reasons last year. She faced so much backlash especially on hen nights and at weddings. However we have since had a Christmas move night where I gladly had a few wines and she didn't and a dinner and theatre trip. If anything I enjoyed it more as I drank less, still enjoyed myself and felt better the next day! They will get used to it OP. It's actually becoming more common. My OH was previously a big drinker and in recent years hardly has any due to taking up cycling and running. Good luck 🍀

Is this a social group where nobody has been pregnant? Surely you all know that sometimes people aren’t drinking alcohol and you adapt accordingly?

I rarely drink alcohol because it makes me feel dreadful. My friends know this and are not remotely interested in what liquid is in my glass.

If they are people who have a dependence on alcohol, they might see you giving up as a declaration of war, but that’s on them. You just focus on yourself 💐

I've never really drunk alcohol so I don't even have the history of it, yet I'm still not believed. It's very strange and disconcerting for people. Lots of endless "are you sure?" "Go on just one or two" you become a challenge for them to convince you to "join the fun" I don't even like the taste of alcohol people might as well be pouring me out a glass of bleach 🤮

Most of the women have been pregnant at some point, but not for 25 years or more 🤣

Sounds like the change is that you’ve grown up a bit and she hasn’t.

I just read Thirst by John Robins which is about his alcoholism and giving up drinking. His description of being an alcoholic, sounds very similar to your DP (although he did drink every day).

I think you would find it an interesting read. I understand your concerns as my h has recently stopped drinking for health reasons. His (pretty hard drinking) friends have been absolutely fine about it which has been a nice surprise.

So you’re all 50 or over? You might find that some of the others are ready to stop as well. Menopause lessens tolerance for alcohol (and drunk people) in some.

I’m not sure about this. If they’re real friends they’ll be really worried- it’s not often a doctor tells someone not to drink and conjures up all sorts of serious scenarios.

fwiw my DH can’t drink on doctors orders but it’s too private to tell everyone about, but it is very serious. His closest friends know though

"I didn't enjoy it. I never got the benefit of feeling "drunk" and it seemed to make me anxious and hypersensitive. I felt upset by something others had said or done most of the day, and it's really not like me to take things so personally"

It's not you, it's them. They didn't mean it personally, it was the drink talking. You were seeing their behaviour through sober eyes, and basically they were behaving no different to what they would usually do when drunk. Until now, you haven't noticed any of it because you have also been under the influence.

There's nothing more irritating and embarrassing than having to suffer the company of a bunch of drunken twat friends when you haven't been drinking.

I read something interesting on this topic the other day. The link is:
https://alcoholchange.org.uk/blog/diary-of-a-sober-shamer

If you don’t want to click the link it’s called ‘Diary of a Sober Shamer’ by Richard Piper on the Alcohol Change website. It’s all about how people react when you stop drinking alcohol, written by a man who used to shame his friends who didn’t drink.

Since menopause I can’t tolerate alcohol and it often has the opposite effect to what it used to - it brings me down and makes me tired instead of giving me energy. Maybe if you frame it like this they will be more accepting rather than saying it’s “because I want to be more healthy” which they might take as a judgement on them

I don’t drink any more, and it’s fine. I know you don’t want to hear this, but anyone who finds it hard, it’s a them problem. Telling anyone what they should drink is a problem relationship with alcohol

Well yes, you said it yourself, true friends won’t care two hoots whether you drink or not. And I don’t believe one person not drinking changes the dynamic. Certainly not what I’ve experienced in my own friendship group. One of my friends doesn’t drink at all and it’s made no difference to the group. We still have great fun together.

Maybe there's an element of that but I've been out with them completely sober (amazing how they don't mind me not drinking when they need a lift to an out of the way event 🤣) and haven't felt the same way then.

I haven't had a drink in 2 years and feel so much better for it, but I was really pissed off that I didnt lose any weight!

I have become "the driver" but I really don't mind and it makes it important that I DON'T drink at the event.

Apart from that, you may feel like you have less in common with them, they annoy you when they're drunk or that your choice of friends and events changes over time.

I stopped drinking during uni. It really does show you who your friends are and some people did stop inviting me out and others would by me alcohol and get upset if i refused to drink it. My real friends still invited me out and understood my reasons for not drinking and were happy to buy me soft drinks. I still had fun, was able to take care of those who were drunk, take straight pictures and remember all their crazy drunk antics. If people are going to ostracise you for not drinking they are not your real friends.

Hopefully they will get over it. I have cut down lots recently and just not really mentioned it to anyone. No one has been bothered apart from one friend who blatantly has a drink problem. It turns out I enjoy her company less when I'm sober anyway.

When it has occasionally come up, I've been really clear that I've cut down because I've reached the age at which it makes me feel shit, as opposed to any "clean living" resolution (which is the sort of thing more likely to make people feel defensive about their own habits).

Two different scenarios though. In their eyes:

Not drinking because you're driving and aren't allowed alcohol = OK.

Not drinking because you don't want to get pissed = spoilsport fun sponge.

Nobody takes the piss out of a driver for not drinking, and nobody tries to persuade them to have alcohol, because they know they can't drink anyway.

People do, on the other hand, get quite funny with you if you say you're cutting back or just don't want any alcohol. They seem to take it quite personally and you have to put up with their attitude. Mind you, if that does happen, it is a sign that perhaps those friends aren't quite as nice as you thought they were.

I stopped 8 months ago. Haven’t lost any friends.

This isn’t true. Some of us become very emotional and strange when drunk. It is us.

Then, as you said in your original post, some of us will suggest that maybe your friends aren’t true friends.

If I go anywhere, I’ll sometimes have a drink, but often won’t, and the same for others - it literally makes no difference to the dynamic, and if it did, then those are not the type of people I’d want to spend time with.

Whether or not someone is drinking has absolutely zero impact on my enjoyment of the time I spend in their company because I’m enjoying spending time with them. And, trust me, I get the social pressure aspect of it because I’m from the West of Scotland where the drinking culture is strong.

Ultimately if they only like you because you drink then they’re not your friends - you’re just someone to drink with. I know that sounds harsh but if they are friends then your choice of beverage should not bother them.

Now you being annoyed about their behaviour when they are drinking and you’re sober could be one of two things. Either they’re not your kind of people but it was masked by the wooziness of booze this whole time, or you’re overthinking their position on you not drinking and it’s affecting how you’re perceiving the time to go by.

Getting a headache after having a little bit of alcohol is normal IME. I can have one glass and an hour or so later I will feel tired and bleurgh - like a mini hangover. Just stick to soft drinks the whole time.

I don't drink at all. I experimented with alcohol in my teens at university but quickly gave up when any amount of alcohol triggered migraines for me. I think it definitely affected my social life and friendships. Even today people typically want a "partner in crime" if they are going out and I get that it isn't as fun for them if they are getting tipsy and you are stone cold sober. If people are getting really drunk then they feel paranoid about a sober person remembering the whole night and their antics while maintaining their decorum themselves.

I think now I'm older (late 40's) that more and more people don't really drink themselves anymore that it's easier as they are happy to go for tea and cake or lunch without booze.