I have decided not to drink anymore. I think I will loose friends

[Kingfisherfly]

My main friendship group likes a drink, and whilst trips etc are planned around an activity, every opportunity is taken to get a (lot to) drink afterwards.

Tbf I've enjoyed that. I don't drink everyday, or even every week, but historically when I've had a drink, I've had a lot. I've also been someone as keen as the others to have a drink when we're out.

As I've got older I've started to take more interest in my health and recently I really don't want to be losing the next day to a hangover. I've also started to begrudge the cost. I've cut back a lot, and even that hasn't been very popular.

This weekend, while everyone else was having pints of beer, I had a half of cider topped up with ice, alternated with soda water, so I drank less than half the others.

I didn't enjoy it. I never got the benefit of feeling "drunk" and it seemed to make me anxious and hypersensitive. I felt upset by something others had said or done most of the day, and it's really not like me to take things so personally.

Plus, despite my efforts, I still felt tired, headachy, thirsty and generally jaded next day.

So I've decided that's it, no more drink and I don't think I'll miss it. But, my friends will. I know people will say if they were proper friends etc, but tbf it is quite a change and it does change the dynamic if one person isn't drinking.

What is your experience of of boozy friendships when someone stops drinking?

Personally it’s not been an issue, although I will say in the booziest group I wasn’t the first (not sure how much difference that made)

so many people are cutting back and feeling the effects more in middle age I think people are getting used to it.

the main thing I’ve found is I can’t go out for whole night outs anymore. It’s just too long, and I get peopled out. You have to reframe it as hours of chatting, dancing etc…. And that’s great fun the longer you do it drunk. Sober you get tired. Don’t be afraid to just leave- I know meet for a night out but only stay an hours or two. The advantage is I can drive home and get to sleep to wake up fresh 😁

I have friends who like to drink a lot more than I do - I've never found it a problem. Our friendships are based on more than being drinking buddies though. I'll often have one or two drinks then move on to diet coke or something, I can't cope with hangovers any more and don't want to!

You seem to be overthinking this. Just order what you want to drink, if you don't want comments on your choice don't join in rounds. Have the courage of your convictions don't be apologetic about your choices

I'm not over thinking. I know exactly how some of my friends will react.

Yes I know what you mean OP. But you’ll just have to face the hassling once before they get over it.

or, to be honest, maybe your friendship is built on boozing and isn’t really that great. Friends for a reason friends for a season friends for life and all!

Real friends won't care. I'm the same as you in that I wanted to cut back and friends offered to go to cafes instead but I didn't want to change plans just to suit me so I just drink 0% alcohol stuff in pubs. It isn't even talked about.

Yeah, you probably will lose friends. I definitely know people who would react defensively and derisively, who would say you’re no fun any more and that your sobriety kills the vibe. You just have to decide whether it’s worth losing those people in order to make a change that feels positive for you.

You can still have fun and be with your friends.

I rarely drink these days, last time I did I was so hungover and I can't cope with it anymore.

So I drink zero alcohol fruit cider and mocktails. I can still have a laugh with friends and so can you.

If they are good friends, it will not matter.

I am with you - reaching middle age I just cannot drink any more!

Maybe one or two of the friends would like to socialise differently too?

I hope some of them see it your way. It’s a brave and sensible decision.

I think it's too soon to tell.

I'm pregnant so can't drink but I can still enjoy gatherings with friends where they do drink. There's so much 0% stuff around now.

If you want to do different actives then suggest/arrange some and see how it goes.

It's a very common and justified concern when people cut down - you're not overthinking it at all.

I get this OP. I have one particular friend who drinks one or two glasses of wine every day and when we get together, we easily drink two or maybe three bottles. If I say to her I don’t want to drink she’ll say ‘well, you can have a couple can’t you? You can’t not drink, you don’t need to go mad’. Peer pressure at aged 55! It does make me question some friendships though and whether they would survive outside of drinking. Not all my friendships but some.

It’s almost like you have to have a ‘proper’ excuse: pregnancy, illness but if it’s because of wellness, people don’t like it.

I think the reality is that some people's friendships do change when they stop drinking. Obviously the extent to which than happens in your case is hard to pin point.

I think you manage with a combination of -

Join the big social gatherings, stay on AFs and probably leave early

Arrange meet ups and events that are not alcohol dependant and still fun.

At the end of the day, if you don't want to drink you can't continue for the benefit of your friends. If that means some relationships fall by the wayside to some extent then that is that is unfortunately just the way it is.

Yes, some will make massive judgements about your whole life when you stop drinking.
I was told my DH had changed me and then a list about all the other ways I'd apparently changed and that he was controlling me.
...I just didn't want to drink alcohol anymore. Somehow this can really upset and offend some people.

There will be people who react negatively because your choice will make them feel uncomfortable about their own drinking. You can't control this.

I found some people were really tedious about me not drinking - nagging me to just have one, or making snide remarks. But I found other people absolutely tedious to be around when I was sober- I hadn’t realised how irritating some drunk people can be as my drinking had blunted the edges. So you may well find that your friends and socialising changes. But that’s ok - real friends will stay in your life, and sobriety is a real palate cleanser for the rest.

Well there's nothing you can do about it then 🤷‍♂️

When I had my first child, I couldn't drink and lost a lot of friends - young and partying so therefore I was a bore. Fine, not real friends. I got over it.

Now I'm older and on medication that I cannot drink on, I lost no friends - they don't care. They drink what they want, I drink what I want and we still have fun! They are real friends! True friends won't care!

I love a drink and have a lot of friends who also like to drink ... but some of my friends don't drink at all. I don't find them any less fun or interesting.

Yes, some people get upset when friends stop drinking.

My advice would be to go to whatever activity is planned but then leave before the drinking starts. Or after one drink, so you don't end up paying for loads of rounds while you are nursing a lime and soda.

If you want to keep the friendship group, carry on actively suggesting outings, so they don't think you are cooling off, but make them fun that isn't based around drinking. You could try to encourage healthier meet ups generally - see if any of them want to join you in doing C25K training, or going wild swimming or paddleboarding, riding, cycling, kayaking etc. Look for charity sign ups they might be on board for that require training to a long run or cycle.

It's fine to tell a white lie: fatty liver results or some other reason for being unable to drink, to get others off your back.

I think you feel less self-conscious the more you choose AF drinks in social situations. I do drink, but in pubs I nearly always go for AF beer. It's refreshing. It looks like booze so other people don't feel judged. Half the time, they don't even know, if you choose an AF beer or cider in a pretty bottle. Or order a mocktail.

I would say don't assume. I have a friend who gave up drinking and really put a lot onto me about me expecting her to drink and not coming to things because she wouldn't be drinking and we would all be drinking.

But I don't really drink very much myself? I'm just not a big drinker these days as it keeps me awake, so I just quietly don't get a refill, and have a big glass of water too, or a nice Lucky Saint or a ginger beer. I never mentioned this to her as I didn't want the attention. Nowadays, seriously, about 1/3 of all our mutual friends don't drink at all and she just hasn't noticed. Even though she must know really as some are Muslim!

So a lot of this might be in your head really, and are about your own complicated feelings about alcohol. It's ok to work through these things - well done you - but don't put them onto other people. Just don't mention it and basically nobody will notice.

Interesting because DP is someone who shouldn't drink and mostly doesn't, when he does he can't stop.

He doesn't do anthing terrible but he literally drinks until he passes out. He is very happy with my decision and will join me, but we have one friend (who we both knew before we got together) who hates our relationship and says it's changed us, by which I'm sure she really means we don't drink like we used to.

If they are put out by you not drinking then get a new group of friends! Or meet them up in smaller numbers and not in places where being drunk is the thing to do.

Just tell them you can’t drink on doctors orders and if they say why, tell them to mind their own business. Then drink non-alc.