MIL dislikes being around children and avoids relationship with grandchildren

[Winterbelle1]

MIL frequently says she cannot stand children and actively avoids being in areas with children. My children are desperate for a special grandparent relationship but nothing. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it.

Befriend a lonely elderly neighbour?

I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do but accept the reality of the situation, and go low contact. It’s very sad for your children but you can’t force a relationship with someone who doesn’t want one.

Are your parents involved?

My MIL was like that when our kids were younger. She's quite surprised now that they are teens and young adults that they don't have a close relationship with her. Go figure.

Not much you can do about it imo.

Fill your children's lives with other stuff. Lots of kids don't have involved Grandparents and they're fine. It's not a crucial relationship. The fact that they're worrying about it makes me think either something else is missing or an adult has out the idea in their head that they are missing out on something.

Maybe she'll come into her own once they're older.

My children are desperate for a special grandparent relationship

Hmm 🤔

She sounds absolutely vile

Have you (or someone else) mentioned how great a 'special grandparent relationship' is? If so, that's really unfair on your kids as they aren't going to get one.

MIL is allowed to befriend anyone she wants, and not befriend anyone she wants. That's her choice.

Your choice is to concentrate on other extended family members, or if there are none, make friends.

Loads of kids don't have grandparents and it will likely become more common with people thinking its normal to have children in their 40s. You don't miss what you never had. I had one nan both grandads and one nan where dead before I was born. It just is what it is. I can't imagine my life would be significantly different if id had a granddad

Fill your children's lives with other stuff. Lots of kids don't have involved Grandparents and they're fine. It's not a crucial relationship. The fact that they're worrying about it makes me think either something else is missing or an adult has out the idea in their head that they are missing out on something.

I agree with this, why are they desperate? I didn't have grandparents and it's not something that I think about, or missed. Your kids will be fine.

You can’t force a relationship where it is not wanted. Is there perhaps a great-aunt or uncle, or older family friend who is fond of the children?

Children don’t normally miss something that they’ve never had. Who is putting Ideas in their head?

My MIL made it very clear that she didn't want a relationship with her two grandsons, but they have a great relationship with my Mum and step Dad. Yes it really hurts but thats her choice. She also cant cope with my youngest son who has autism and thinks it's my bad parenting. I think its actually easier for her to stay away.

I’m wondering this too.

I don't think your children are "desperate for a special grandparent relationship" unless you've been filling their heads with idealised notions of it. Children don't miss what they've never had.

I grew up with no grandparents or cousins within 5000 miles. My mum, who grew up alongside her cousins, felt awful that she'd deprived us of that. But she hadn't - the children of our parents friends became like cousins to us and we had plenty of people who loved us.

There are plenty of people who can fill the role of a caring older person - don't you have older friends or relatives in your life?

Someone's who dislikes children is never going to give you what you crave. She literally can't. She may grow closer as they grow up, but it's best to accept her as she is - not a cuddly grandma, a standoffish one.

Why? Because she doesn't like kids? You sound weird.

Its probably a lot of talking infront of the children and nanny doesn't want to, instead of just not mentioning her.

Not all people like children. Some women just had children because it was the expected thing to do. There is more choice now

How old are your DC that they are desperate for a special relationship?
Do you really want your DC to have a relationship with someone who openly dislikes them ?

Me three. And what about the other grandparents? Or is it just the mother in law who is a ‘problem’.

Theres usually way more behind this sort of thing.

I like children but I can 100% understand why some people don't. There are certainly some people's children who i don't like and I choose not to be around them as that is my choice.

My dc have no dgps. Mil retreated once our dc was born I had only known her a year and she was perfectly pleasant until I got pregnant. ... He's nearly 12 and she last saw him /us in January 2017....
I am nc with my dps... I would have been nice to have dgps around but sadly our dps were never going to be there...

Let's be honest.

Very few children nowadays have 'that special grandparent' relationship, so I'm not sure why they feel they are missing out. Fewer and fewer people actually live near their parents or inlaws.

My DC went to school with people whose grandparents were in Poland. Or Pakistan. Or ... (substitute a lot of different countries around the world). My parents are British - and I grew up in various foreign countries because my father's job took us there. I saw very little of my GPs who were back in the UK.

My youngest sibling has a 6 year old and my Dad is 90. He was 40 when my sibling was born, and they waited until they were 44 to have a child. Mum is getting dementia at 87 and Dad is trying to care for her, as well as being a 3 hour drive away from my sibling. There is basically no special GP bond between them - they can't do anything with small children now and find them very tiring.

She doesn't like her own grandchildren. That is weird.

Did she actually love her own DC whilst they were growing up?

Would you think it's acceptable to say that you don't like old people?