MIL dislikes being around children and avoids relationship with grandchildren

[Winterbelle1]

MIL frequently says she cannot stand children and actively avoids being in areas with children. My children are desperate for a special grandparent relationship but nothing. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it.

I have no problem with saying that. A lot of them are a pain in the arse.

Similar here except it’s my mother! She was v close to my 2 children - when my son turned about 17, that was it - no interest - he’s 28 now with a child and she isn’t interested at all!
He (and his now wife) used to really try but have given up.

theres a difference between not liking someone and not interested

id say she’s not interested

I and many of my peer group grew up without ever knowing all or any of our grandparents. This was back in the 60's when people didn't live as long as they do now. My own grandparents on both sides had died some years before I was born. You don't need a "special grandparent relationship" to have a happy childhood. The most important people in your life (when a child anyway) are your parents.

Do your kids want a grandparent relationship or do you want them to have it? If the former where did they get the idea?

People have every right to not want to spend lots of time with someone they'd rather not whether that's children or not. You can't force someone to have a relationship with their grandchildren. She may choose to regret that she hasn't put the effort in when the kids are adults but that's her choice. I somehow doubt the kids are that bothered. Most kids are pretty accepting of things like that.

I never had a 'special grandparent relationship' either. I had a couple of extant grandparents but they lived a long way away, cordial enough when we went to stay but nothing 'special'.

Now I have grandchildren but a very busy life, work etc and most of my grandchildren don't live anywhere near. I have one a little closer but I'm worried about giving them too much attention because then what about the ones I DON'T see? That's not very fair. Does your MIL have other grandchildren that she doesn't see or have any contact with, or is it just yours, OP? Is she worried about fairness? Or just not that fond of kids, which is perfectly reasonable, you can't FORCE her to dote on yours.

No guarantees in life. Just build connections elsewhere perhaps

Your children are desperate for a special GP relationship? Have they articulated that or been told that?

Kids are desperate for a relationship? Really? They are? Or for some reason you are? You don’t miss what you’ve not had. All my gps died so I never knew them - it might have been nice but thems are the breaks sometimes. She’s entitled not to want to get involved if kids are just not her thing.

My DDad is like this. It’s his loss. A real waste.

Unfortunately the other grandparents are either dead or abroad, so my DC have never had that ‘special relationship.’ But it’s me that’s sad about it, not my dc. They have plenty of other people who love them, so they don’t care.

My children are desperate for a special grandparent relationship

doubt it

and if that is true… it’s because you haven’t seen gone on and on and on about how they’ve missed out

I agree with this, why are they desperate? I didn't have grandparents and it's not something that I think about, or missed. Your kids will be fine

I too was born after all grandparents had died. I never craved or missed a 'special grandparent relationship' because it just never occurred to me, and nobody planted it in my mind.

Children generally just accept a situation as it is, it's their norm.
Unless somebody is telling them that they are deprived of such.

Protect your kids from a personality that chooses to “dislike all children”.
She won’t be pleasant for them to be around, kids are not stupid, they will pick up on her actions & attitudes towards them.
They have done absolutely nothing to deserve this so they don’t need to be exposed to it.

It’s your job to field off this kind of shite.

Are they really? How do they know they might be missing such a thing?

It is you who wants this for them. I doubt they give a fig!

I think that you need to explore why they want a special Grandparent relationship. Did you tell them stories about your special relationship with your grandparents? Did your spouse have a special grandparent relationship?

The reality is that kids don’t normally miss what they don’t have. My kids and I don’t have a special grandparent relationship and had good lives. A special grandparent relationship can make a child’s life better but your child can be happy without one too. Let go of that pressure.

Many people of your MIL’s age married and had kids because it was expected rather than because they wanted kids. Of course it’s good for you that she had your spouse but sometimes people regret their decision to have kids. It’s not totally unreasonable for her to not be interested in her grandkids (I assume that she’s not saying it in front of your kids because that’s rude) but it’s rude for you to insist that she behaves a certain way. Let it go and look for other connections. You can be deeply connected to unrelated people.

Possibly friends at school/activities? I know loads of GPs who have their grandchildren stay over/go on holiday/take them to activities. Maybe they see granny/grandad at school pickup and wonder why they don’t have that.

My mum died before I had children. They don't miss her because they never met her and that's fine.

The same could apply to your mil. If she does turn around and expect them to visit her when they are adults then obviously they don't have to (and probably won't want to) do that.

In this case… it will be because their mother has gone on and on about much they are missing out

Maybe. Maybe not.

I used to wish I had uncles/aunties and cousins (both parents only children). Not because my DPs went on about it but because my friends would talk about their weekends spent with them or going to visit them somewhere or having sleepovers.

I also read a lot of The Famous Five and the like where everyone seemed to have cousins to go on adventures with!

Do you not have parents or do neither have you have an aunt / uncle that would fill the perceived gap .

Either way

The entire wording of the op leads me to believe that the op might be a little insane when it comes to her mil

They see their friends enjoying relationships with their grandparents - and getting pressies!!

I was blessed with two grandpas and lots of nice aunts, uncles and cousins, but both grannies were dead before I was born.

I was very envious of my friend’s two grannies - white gran’ and ‘brown gran’ (!) as they were known and the cuddles and sweeties they dished out to their grandchildren on every visit. I was particularly fascinated by brown gran’s lovely coffee coloured skin and beehive hairdo which were very exotic to me. Lovely ladies both, so yes, I did feel I had missed out.

But you only miss out really if relationships are positive. It doesn’t sound like the gran in this case would add much to their lives.

I second the suggestion of ‘adopting a granny! There are many older women who love children and would love to have a pseudo grandma role.

wtf. How do you suggest the op even start with that utterly patronising project?