MIL dislikes being around children and avoids relationship with grandchildren

[Winterbelle1]

MIL frequently says she cannot stand children and actively avoids being in areas with children. My children are desperate for a special grandparent relationship but nothing. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it.

This. My ds has a lovely pseudo-gran who was our next door neighbour. Now lives nearby. He walks her dog if she's poorly. 🙂

Posters are presuming the Op actually cares whether her children have a loving grandma.

i don’t get the impression that is this particular OP’s motivation or concern whatsoever. It is all about clearly an ongoing war between her MIL and her, that no doubt has a long and tumultuous and profoundly unpleasant history with appalling behaviour from both

It’s not patronising- all the older women I know (of which I’m one) love kids and would like to be grannies - not unpaid childcare.

There are ‘adopt a grandparent’ schemes run in the country I used to live in. It’s a win win. A person who takes a joyful interest in your children and who has company they
might not otherwise have.

I was fond of my grandparents and they were nice to me but I was number 15 of 17 grandchildren on one side, and number 12 of 12 on the other. Let’s just say the novelty had worn off. Either not having grandparents still alive or being one of a crowd is completely normal throughout human history. The best thing you can do for your kids is help them accept the real people who are in their lives, rather than make them think they deserve a fantasy that doesn’t exist for them.

Faur enough though if this is making you feel things about your own relationship with your Mum? Can’t be easy.

“All the older women I know”

what is the age demographics of these women who presumably don’t have any grandchildren of their own @EvelynBeatrice

I second the suggestion of ‘adopting a granny! There are many older women who love children and would love to have a pseudo grandma role

eeerm . . .that would be a no from me!

I do not know if there is a backstory with your mil but if I were you I would keep my kids away from her as much as possible. She is unlikely to chance and could be nasty to your kids.

A lot does depend on your children ages but I would gently explain that all people are different and there are lots of different types of Grannys.

I am curious what your children see as a special granny relationship?

Nor did i. My grandparents (both sides) had about 20 (no exaggeration!) grandchildren before I was born. So, i think the novelty - if it ever existed - had worn off by then.

They didn’t even remember our birthdays, etc, but it didn’t matter, and didn’t bother us.

It definitely sounds like the OP is ‘desperate’ for this relationship rather than her children.

I think people are potentially being a little unfair to say you or others have given your children an idea of a special grandparent relationship. I was very sad when I was little that both my grandfathers died (a long time) before I was born.

With my parents’ blessing, I wrote to an elderly neighbour of my grandmother and he agreed to be my grandad. It was a lovely thing.

Not everyone is maternal.

Some children don't have grandparents.

Children don't tend to miss what they've never experienced.

They will be just fine x

They aren’t desperate you have told them they are, when you know that mil isn’t interested.

Ah, it's one of those posts that are just thrown out there for general discussion but probably made up.

She/he doesn't seem desperate for a reply anyway.

IL's said this and as PP they are now furious about how close adult DC are to my parents, they barely know who IL are sadly.

Everyone incredulous that OP's kids are desperate to have a relationship with their grandparents ...maybe they can see their friends being close to their grandparents?

if anything it’ll be a passing occasional comment before they ask for an ice cream sort of thing

I grew up without any grandparents (they were all dead), and I definitely envied those kids who used to visit their grandparents at weekends. It wasn’t anything my parents put into my head either.

I agree grand parents can greatly enrich a children’s life but I don’t believe a child would know and miss this if they have never had it. I didn’t have grandparents that I saw as lived abroad and neither did my children sadly as one set weren’t interested and the other set lived too far away but they also wanted their freedom from children. It’s sad but they you are.

I don't know why so many people are doubting the OP on this.

My daughter's grandparents lived hours away. They adored her and she adored them. But she was very envious of her friends whose grandparents lived locally and who could visit them after school.

When I walk past my local school at throwing out time, I'm amazed by the number of children being picked up by grandparents. I think it's lovely to see the two generations chatting away as they walk. I can well imagine a child from that school, without loving grandparents, feeling that they're missing out.

Are your children really desperate for a grandmother relationship? What about your own mother?

My grandfathers had both died when I was born and my grandmothers were both very elderly and lived a long way away. I didn't feel deprived and didn't notice if friends were close to their grandparents.

I know MNers all think that you have to think ahead and not procreate at all if you don't want grandchildren, but in the real world you don't think about that when you are Doing The Deed in your 20s-40s.

Edited: I did a school exchange when I was 17 and my partner then met my grandmother as we visited her and she did actually "adopt" her because her grandmothers were both long dead. She wrote to her until she died about 4 years later. So maybe I was just weird not to notice my lack of a grandparent close by!

Call it mumsnet experience

I think it's totally plausible that the DC want a grandparent who is involved in their life. They probably see their friends being picked up from school by doting grandparents and talking about sleepovers at their house etc.

My kids have 1 living grandparent - FIL.
he pops round every other week for a 5 min chat through the window because he brings the dog and we have cats…

the kids don’t question why they don’t have a “special grandparent relationship” because we’ve never made a big deal of it.

why do your kids feel like they’re missing out?

Yes it would be nice but it didn’t happen for my kids - both sets of GPs were not interested - my kids did not want for love or affection- they are not traumatised.

True 😄