Do u hang out much with your late teens daughters?

[Greedybilly]

I always imagined it would be so nice going for coffees/city breaks/walks/shopping but both my kids only hang out with me as a last resort.
I have my own life and they have theirs which is as it should be but neither of them ever wants to spend a day/afternoon together/go anywhere. :(
I just feel I'm completely used for cash and emotional support which is fine as a mum but shouldn't there be a fun side too? Or what's the point? Please be kind feeling hurt and very sad.

Should say late teen daughters - ie 18 and 19

I’m sorry you are feeling like this.

Me and my sister, now in our 40’s were incredibly close to our late Mum, we used to do all sorts together as kids, tweeens, teeens and into adulthood. We used to go to salsa classes and the cinema, out for food and to theatre and concerts, and other things we all enjoyed - maybe have a look round for something you can all do all together?
I have 1 daughter and 2 sons and hope they will want to do things together - eldest son is 14 he likes being with friends but still likes coming out with us too, the younger 2 it’s too early as they still spend a lot of time with us.

it’s a hard one isn’t it - but I certainly wouldn’t be throwing loads of cash at them if they don’t want to spend time with you and it’s a “last resort” I absolutely understand why you’re feeling upset. I think be honest with them and tell them how you feel.

Yes I do. My 19 year old likes to do things with me, and my 21 year old has always liked to spend time with me. I feel lucky that we get on well, but I didn’t want to do much with my Mum at the same age, even though she was lovely. Possibly my dds and I have more common ground, and that’s just luck.
Also this can change year on year so your dd might want to do more things with you in a year or so.

Yes both of my daughters have busy lives with school & Uni and their friends/boyfriends but they love being with me! They are 19yrs and 17yrs, they also love spending time with me (individually), and they both want me often! We go for long walks, watch tv together (binge watch a series), go for food, coffee & cake, cinema (bit expensive) or shopping or just hanging out chatting or cooking, spending time with our cats. When they're not with me they send me messages and memes, I would say we are extremely close. It is lovely and I do appreciate it.

Being used for cash and emotional support resonates, my dd is 20yo now and we do hang out occasionally. She’s currently in Australia having a great time and I’m really missing her!

What was the relationship like with them growing up?

I love my mum but didn’t hang out with her as a teen, I was living my own life. As I’ve gotten older and had my own children I’ve realised she wasn’t really touchy feely or positive or encouraging - it was my dad that took us shopping for clothes or picked us up from friends.

I’ve tried to do more of that with my own kids (both now young adults) and they do ask for us to do things together. We like each others company.

@GoodVibesHerethanks for that!

@anonymoususer9876- pretty good overall - they've both just become very independent over the years......

@Besidemyselfwithworrythanku yes it's very upsetting. I don't think I'm 'needy' and when we do all sit down for s Sunday dinner we have a good laugh/chat. Always get on with mates/bfs etc.

@MabelAndersonhmmm I don't remember my mum ever wanting to hang out or vice versa - I guess we both just had our own lives - got on well tho. It's a mystery and really hurtful.... I know my friends all seem to do things with their daughters and it makes me feel worse....

If it helps OP from the ages of 18-23 I barely hung out with my mum, for some reason I thought she was seriously uncool despite her having done nothing wrong, I think it was just part of me gaining my independence. From the age of 25+ roughly we became very close (not for any particular reason, she just kept persevering and I grew up) and I now see her every week and we holiday together and I think she’s great!

Of course you’ve had the usual tone deaf jerks rush on to tell you what wonderful relationships they have with their daughters so just trying to give a bit of balance, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong or there is anything wrong, people are just different growing up.

I would keep persevering through the hurt and making the effort and I’m sure in time they will come back to you once they’ve realised independence isn’t all it’s cut out to be.

Oldest DS is now 24 and we do things together

He came up a few weekends ago and we went on

https://photos.fife.usercontent.google.com/pw/AP1GczNb7zHBSp5tD-czJYCz1UEdzoDJx0F3LTYaF1GMQ9Fq-3CqaYYEyk4h4Q=w651-h869-s-no-gm?authuser=0

I blame my father, he took me on

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PS_Bristol_Queen

My DD (21) is also very independent, she's spending the summer in her uni city after a short break at home recuperating from exams.

What works for us is to plan nice outings together doing something that we both enjoy. Before she went back, we went on a three-day city break, for example, and had a great time sight-seeing and having great food. An evening out together is also fun.

So I'd suggest planning a day or evening out with their input. Be honest and say that you'd really like to spend some time with them, don't wait for them to suggest it.

Oh. Well then maybe change the title of your post if you didn't like my answer to your question.

To be truthful I thought you were asking the question genuinely because you were wondering if anyone has a positive experience - I didn't realise you only wanted 'No' as an answer.

Come off it, you read the OPs post, she’s obviously struggling with her feelings on this and yet you took the opportunity to post a smug and self congratulatory reply, with no advice to the OP. It’s not very nice is it.

Sure.

Have a 20 year old DD and she's very busy at university and so don't go out much together. We have been on a couple of holidays just the two of us but otherwise she's very independent, lots of friends and lots of activities. She's very happy which is all I care about really. It also gives me more time to do things I want / need to do and she has a younger very dependent brother.

I did things with my Mum at that age but had strict parents and it wasn't really a choice.

I would never have chosen to hang out with my mother as a teen, or even now. But I broken that trend as DD is very happy to hang out with me. Not sure what I've done differently though.

My 18 year old daughter do some stuff together - shopping, occasional dinner out etc but it's not a common thing. We do a bit as a family too all four of us. I think this is about right. The whole point of late teens is practising being independent and rightly this involves more doing things with other people. However, I'm sorry that you feel a bit used. I can sympathise - when I do go shopping with my daughter it is more her shopping and me hanging around to pay!

I think this is a sign you’ve raised them well. You’ve given them roots and wings.

Lovely comment and I agree!

I am lucky the my two (22 just finishing uni in another city and 18 about to start) enjoy time together. But I’ve always made sure to book things in advance- particularly the eldest as she’s away. So things like they both get to choose a London show each year and I buy the tickets and we head down together, we make plans for us meeting up during term time -usually involves clothes shopping and lunch, continue to arrange family holiday each summer etc

Mine are not late teens yet but I definitely did not! It wasn't until my late twenties that we started doing more stuff together including city breaks etc.

Before that I was more into travelling, more into friends and going out. We always kept in touch and maybe had a coffee every now and again but it was rare and not in my late teens.

Mine both went to uni in far away places, but when they were home we absolutely did hang out a lot. But then the three of us do have a history of surviving as a three, because my late husband ended up an abusive alcoholic and making life hellish for us for some time. Mine were also the easiest teenagers on the planet, but I'd have traded tough teenagers for not having to live through what we did any day.

I think just give it time. They’re still very young. The relationship you’re thinking of is probably more age 25 +
You have many years ahead of being close to look forward to I’m sure, for now just be there for her when she needs you and try keep as much common ground as possible