Class bully seems to keep getting away with it

[Difficulty101]

DC in late primary. Lots of friends and social, but having a rough time with a bully in their class. Other kids also bullied and intimidated by the same kid. Physical violence leading to injuries, plus threats.. We have had meetings with the school. Other parents have. Why don't schools act?

Didn’t want to leave you with no replies, OP but we had this with DD1s primary.

Whenever we raised it they claimed it was ‘safe-guarding’ that was the result of their response. A few years later it transpired her father was abusing her when it came out in the local press. So I guess that was why they didn’t seem to ‘care’.

Very sad. But it doesn’t change the fact she, pushed a child four years younger than her into a wall and broke her nose or that she tried to strangle another child. Schools have a duty to all children yet it always seems to be the bully they protect and it’s almost always, based off stories I’ve heard since, due to family circumstances.

In the end we, along with eight other parents (19 children overall), voted with our feet and left. We warned them what would happen, they didn’t listen. When we all put in the notice to inform them our children wouldn’t be returning in September, they promised they’d do ‘more’ and practically begged us to stay. Ironically, two of the parents who left with us were teachers in the senior school. So they lost two teachers as well!

In your case, if you can’t vote with your feet, escalate to the local council/DfE. Document the emails exchanges with the school and any evidence of the physical and verbal abuse. Get witness testimony. And if they don’t act then the local paper.

I wouldnt let my kids be repeatedly physically assaulted at school without defending themselves. From experience, they'll do something about the bully once they have a black eye.

I wish I could answer this. Everybody knows who the bullies are, except, for some reason, the schools. Made worse when a child eventually defends itself and then is disciplined, and made to “make friends” with the bully. WTF?
I do not understand school thought processes nowadays at all. Loads of meaningless policies and an extreme reluctance to acknowledge bullying. Is it because they are measured by Ofsted on the number of instances of bullying? If so, wouldn’t it be better to be measured on how well you resolve conflict, because otherwise, the urge to not acknowledge bullying must be huge. No answers, but I hear you.

Really confrontational and aggressive family. It complicates things a lot as it makes the situation much more difficult and dangerous. I do agree, but in this case the school massively comes down on any kid who has stood up to the bully. Or there is a cycle of reconciliation and then retaliation.

I also worry that if DC did punch back they would be punished by the school. The bully is targeting others and DC is generally popular, so the approach I am taking is don't let the bully get you in trouble and try to avoid them as much as possible.

This completely. Apparently if they shake hands everything is fine. In fact it just gives the bully more ammunition to retaliate. Absolutely hopeless policy.

Thank you. I was actually wondering I if there is something major behind the scenes here. Some really disturbing and age inappropriate behaviour from the bully. Either they have access to some very inappropriate online material or have learnt it somewhere. The school seems desperate to do nothing.

This is a fairly classic situation at primary school I'm afraid. It's absolutely infuriating.

Having been through this with DS where I didn't really understand and feel really bad that I didn't back him enough (i let everyone talk me into the "oh the kids must just avoid each other/they're all equally to blame" crap) and now with DD as well (she's not being bullied as such, but there are two very unpleasant children in her year group who sor tof bully all the rest of the children at a low level), my advice is:

1. Make sure your child knows you will support her. she should avoid the bullies etc but if the bully does cause a reaction and the school calls you in, you will support her.
2. tell the school firmly but politely, in writing as well, that you expect your child to be safe at school and that it is their responsibility to ensure this.
3. Consider writing to the Board of governors or local Academy management (I haven't done this becuase our board and academy are both shit but I am considering putting it on record when DD finally leaves at the end of this school year).

The other thing that I learnt is that sadly, these bullies are actually the ones who will suffer long termn and I actually feel quite sorry for them. In DS case, two of them came to the same high school with him and the one mother in particular was very quick to use very negative language about DS and claim that her child's behaviour was justified.

In the first term of Year 7 these two children attempted to pick up the bullying and getting Ds into trouble that they'd so successfully implemented in primary school. The first instance was in the FIRST week of Year 7.

COMPLETE FAILURE. At high school there was a much more robust process in place to assess what had happened, including witness statements from other children and, to my amusement, CCTV. DS was completely and totally exonerated of two accusations and these other boys, and a bunch of their new cronies, got a range of punishments ranging from detention to exclusion.

Unbelievably, about a year later, the one child tried to start it up again and, again, it led to a massive issue. And yet again, the school investigated and agreed DS had done nothing to justify this behaviour.

Meanwhile, DS is doing very well at school and has flourished while these other two children are, by all accounts, struggling massively. I trly believe that between their parents and the primary school, they were not set up to succeed and it's still harming them, even as they are now doing GCSEs. Even DS feels sorry for them now.

There is a girl in DD's year who doesn't bother DD at all but I've heard that she can be a real bully to a number of other children, and she's 100% the teachers' pet. She's going to a different high school so we won't see her, but I suspect she'll have the same problem as these boys from DS' year. In part, I can tell because the similarities with the mums is startling.

I am sorry your child is going through this.

First port of call if you haven't already, the school's bullying policy which should lay out what they are meant to do so you can see if they are following their own procedures. Also their safeguarding policy and how they are meant to protect your child.

Put everything in writing so there is a paper trail. Keep a diary to document every incident, keep it factual.

Instal an app on your phone that records all your phone calls automatically although my phone writes a transcript with no prompting. Schools do have a tendency to not want to put things in writing. Any call you have with school you can follow up with an email to confirm what was said on the call. Keep it factual you said you would do X which should result in Y. Also always say that you will be following up with another meeting to ensure this is taking place and if it is effective. The same with any face to face meeting, take notes and be seen to take notes too. Then follow up that with an email. All emails, keep that chain going.

You need this paper trail for an escalation through their complaints process. That is also on the school website under policies. Don't try to step outside of this, this only works if you do what you are meant to do.

Share the above with all the other parents whose children are being bullied so it becomes a written tidal wave of incidents about this child.

Sadly, having seen inside a school as much as the staff would also like to just boot out the bullies there are so many things they have to go through, so many behavioural corrections to see if those things work and give it time, it is incredibly frustrating. In the meantime staff were being injured too. The argument was it was safer for the child to be in school rather than at home but it was argued that if that were true then the child should be removed from their parents but again, that isn't easy is it. It is completely shit all round.

I have no idea why some schools are so reluctant to act. We went through similar, and were constantly fobbed off with the usual “we'll keep a close eye on them” sort of attitude, yet my son was still coming home daily having had to deal with either verbal or physical “low level” abuse from this boy. Until it all came to a head with a more serious incident.
At that point I just thought “fuck this” and I began to message them every single time an incident occurred, not just the physical acts or the threats, but detailing everything and exactly how it was impacting my son. Focused on the effect on him and how consistent “low level” bullying was impacting his self esteem and his ability to fully engage with his school experience. I made a point of highlighting things like discriminatory language (eg slurs thrown at my son’s disabled family member, homophobic language etc) and emphasised the impact on his mental health.
I made sure everything was written down in black and white.. I just thought, they aren’t ignoring this! My son has a right to access education in a safe environment and not be damaged emotionally, and they aren’t doing their job and protecting him.

Anyway, he was eventually removed from the class and I guess getting lessons in a different area of the school (all I know is that the teacher told me they were being separated and my son told me with a massive sigh of relief that he wasn’t in the class or out at playtime anymore) ..then a little while later he moved to a different school. Thank fuck.

Oh @JadziaDi have massive guilt about that, too. I also fell for the schtick and allowed it to go on for too long.
The idiot mother of my son’s bully even accosted us on the street and made my son cry with the whole “they’re all equally to blame, he must be antagonising my angel” BS, she was actually so loud and aggressive and really took me by surprise considering her complaint was that her son had gotten in to trouble for attacking my son. All this was about 10 minutes after he’d kicked my son hard before they walked out of the school and DS was already on the verge of tears.
Man, I feel so guilty about it all but we should never have been put in that position! I’m glad to hear that they take a more robust approach in secondary.. that’s really reassuring.

I'd be ok with them being punished and emphasise that I've told my child to escalate to using a object to hit them with if they don't stop and always aim for the face.

What I did when DS encountered a bully and I found the school’s initial response inadequate was to make common cause with the other parents whose children were also impacted and escalate to the school board collectively. It ended up with the school apologising, revamping its bullying policy and procedures, and the bully having a staff member on him one on one at all times on school premises.

Thank you, yes I am creating a paper trail. Will also follow up any calls with main points - did not do this before.

I read the anti-bullying policy and it is absolutely hopeless. It revolves around resolution between the two children. When one is a really aggressive bully who retaliates, backed by older family, this is a disaster. It may work for normal classroom scraps but is absolutely useless in this case, with no clear route to escalate.

Oh so sorry. This is what the other mother is doing. I have been documenting things with the school and pushing. It isn't having enough impact though.

Because of a government policy, designed to save money rather than do the best for children, of inclusion at all costs. It's extremely hard to exclude a child, no matter how violent they are.

We aren't in a UK school and a major component of their mark is on conduct in school. It is a grammar school system, so they risk really sabotaging themselves.

This bully is constantly trying to provoke a response and then play victim - I suspect because he has been in trouble and wants scapegoats. So I am telling DC to not be drawn into retaliation as it is what this bully wants.

Do understand in many situations. My brother did respond like this and injured a well known bully. A few decades ago so the school did not punish him.

Depending on the country this is a legal minefield. I wish it was an option where we are. I think the aggressive mother is doing a fairly good job of alienating others.

It is so ridiculous and absolutely wrecking lessons and the school environment. All children are suffering from it, particularly those with behaviour issues and SEN.

We can support DC outside and he is doing well/super sociable and enjoys extra-curriculars. Just should not be exposed to persistent bullying in a school that waffles on about being a safe space for all.

It doesnt matter where it is or what the school thinks. All you're saying is that youve told your child to hit back in their face with increasing force every time they are touched by this student. If the student doesnt touch your child, they won't get hit in the face. It's on the school to protect the children.

Forget your child's behavioural record and focus on their physical safety and self esteem.

The bully has older and larger relatives in school who back him up and a mother who is aggressive and in school a lot.

The bully has a family background from a different region, so I do not want DC accused of racism by the mother.

Plus DC would then be outside the school anti-bullying policy, so back to resolution with the bully.

@Difficulty101 , what worked for me in the end was taking my distressed child to our GP and laying it out to them how badly the bullying was affecting my child and asking them to write to the headmaster which they did. The head was not best impressed but it did push the school into tackling the issue. In your case OP this would be even more powerful if several letters from various GPs turned up in quick succession. Good luck!
It would be very interesting to hear from any teachers on here why they never do anything to discipline the bully in these situations but then come down like a tonne of bricks on the bullied child when they finally retaliate.

I would forget all that and protect your child. Youre leaving them open to being beaten at school.

Forget all these silly school rules and policies and help your child stand up for themselves. Every day you let this continue, they are being damaged by the inaction.

I’m so sorry you and your child are having to deal with that too. It’s so awful isn’t it, especially with aggressive adults compounding the bullying.
People like that genuinely make me sick to my stomach and it makes me so so angry. God help her if our sons end up in the same secondary in a couple of years and either of them have anything to say to my son.

I really hope this is resolved for your child soon without long term emotional damage, it’s so disgusting that the school are allowing it to continue.

Thank you, I will do this. I have been tp the Dr when there were injuries to document them. I will ask for a letter stating the wider impact.

I would say the fact that she behaved this way just proves the point - this is not a child who is learnign the things he needs to learn at home. We had similar. This woman SCREAMED at DS in public to the point where he had a panic attack and other adults had to step in.....

You have to feel sorry for the bullies then becuase if this is how they behave in public, how are these parents behaving in private?!