I’m a bit shit at this mothering malarkey

[Wordsworse]

My husband died recently. Not unexpected, had a stroke last year, no life, in care, etc. DD is only 27 and feeling her loss (DH was 79). She phoned tonight, I had a friend here - 5 hours in at this point, unexpectedly, - DD has been struggling with anxiety (kind of unrelated to his death, she’s got health issues, I’ve had major surgery, appreciate she’s been through the mill in the last few years) but fuck me how many times can I make the right noises, in company of my now quite drunk friend about the fact that it’s Fathers’ Day on Sunday and it’s her first without him?

I’ve been expecting the bringing up of Fathers’ Day if only because of all the effing emails about ‘if you don’t want to hear about Fathers’ Day’. Bit surprised they’ve only just crept into her peripheral vision but I’m actually put out that she felt it necessary to start sobbing then say ‘well I’ll leave you to your evening if you’re busy’ when I clearly had company (I’d been blessed with a FaceTime call). I appreciate I’m a hard hearted bitch but how many different ways can I commiserate? I had the temerity to mention that I still miss my own Dad (but it’s my first one), think of all the happy memories of previous Fathers’ Days (I’m personally struggling to think of many but hey ho) I’m so sorry you are going through this sweetheart, why don’t you accept your boyfriend’s invitation to go home him on Sunday to celebrate with them (why would I want do that) and on it goes.

Bangs head on floor. Am I just completely failing in my duties as a mother?

Answers on a postcard……

Nah she's being melodramatic. Help her make a plan for the day and don't accept guilt trips about your time. I lost my father far before her and my mother when only a little older. The response is to ignore both fathers and mothers days. To the point I ask my own kids to diall it down. Be prepared for Christmas and birthdays to be a pity fest. To be fair at 27 (if ND espiecially) the brain has only just matured and so sometimes they fall back into teenager mode.
Can you spend the day with her and go to the cinema and dinner or something that's completely distracting?

I think you both are coping differently as people do.
I took grief counselling when I was in my 20's and my dad died suddenly.

“How many times can I make the right noises?”.

As many as it takes that your daughter feels supported through her grief. You don’t have to grieve the way she does. You just have to be there for her. Your impatience at her grief is a you problem.

Perhaps slightly irrelevant but it’s not Father’s Day this Sunday but the 21st…
This sounds very difficult and I personally think you sound like an excellent mother. She is being unfair and a bit selfish in her grief. Understandable but it fair for you to at least be thinking the things you’re thinking! She perhaps needs to find some other people to support her to different ways to vent her sadness. Constantly piling it all on you and making you feel guilt for having a nice evening is unfair.
You are not a cold bitch but a lovely mum that is also deeply grieving.

I’m hoping this is sarcasm. If it is then I think you need to read the room.

Her Dd is an adult. With a boyfriend. And presumably other friends. And potentially access to counselling.
Her mother is also grieving the loss of her life partner. She is not an emotional punch bags. Her adult child should be supporting her in her grief.

The loss of a lifelong partner is much harder than the loss of an elderly parent for all sorts of reasons. She's being selfish.

There's no way I would've put my mother through what your dd is putting you through. I tried to be there for her when she was grieving, not the other way round. I phoned her every day to start with, because I thought she wanted company. If she'd had a friend there I would've left her to it. Equally though, if mum had a friend there she would say 'Can I phone you back later when x has gone'.

The poor lass. You could try and be a bit more supportive, sounds like she's having an awful time. I'm much older than her and I would be so upset if my mum would rather get pissed with a friend than speak to me when I needed her. Your post sounds really flippant about her struggles. She must be hurting so much.

No sarcasm here. I have been through this scenario. I cannot imagine dismissing the grief of one of my DDS. Unthinkable.

I was 24 when we lost my lovely dad after a short illness that came out of nowhere. My poor mum was in pieces. At the time, I felt so sad for her but also a wee bit resentful that she made it ALL about her and had no time for the grief of her children. We put ourselves and our lives on hold to help her. Only recently (20+ years on) has she acknowledged that this hurt us too, on top of our loss, but even that is with an aside of “but meeeee”. We all grieve differently and our own pain sometimes makes us selfish. It may all hit you years from now and you may need her then. My dad never got to meet my husband or children. It will be the same for your DD.
That said, you feel how you feel - grief counselling could help her if she’s open to that? She might need to vent to someone that isn’t you, but I do think expecting her to just kinda get over it is insensitive.

She is being unfair and a bit selfish in her grief.
Bloody hell, all I can say is that you obviously have never experienced grief then. And don't come back at me with a long list of dearly departed as I know it won't be true based on that one sentence.

OP - you sounded annoyed in your post and I'm not sure whether it was because DD interrupted a night of drinking/light relief and brought the mood down or whether it's because you started your grieving when he had the stroke rather than his death so are further on in the process? Would you have been more sympathetic if sober and alone? Worth pondering on. But as pp mentioned people do grieve in different ways and she may have just needed you to listen rather than suggest things (go to bf house). There again you might have only wanted to vent here rather than have suggestions as to why so I'll stop. I am sorry for your loss

You appear to have little understanding of grief yourself. If you did you know that everyone is different. There is no wrong way to grieve. The op has given a lot of time to her adult daughter. The op is also grieving. What support is her daughter giving her???

She's grieving in her own way and needed you.

You let her down and you don't even care.

Its her first every thing without her dad, first father's day, first birthdays (his, hers), first Christmas...that first year is so hard and so different after a loss.

I can't believe pps are comparing the loss of a partner and the loss of a parent. They are just different. There's no points based award for grief. I've lost a parent, I've lost a child, I was there when my partner was desperately ill and we had no prognosis then. Its all shit in its own unique ways. Everyone copes or doesn't in their own unique ways.

I clicked on because I thought it was going to be a thread about toddlering and a light hearted parenty one about cutting up toast in the wrong shape or something.

But no. Your daughter just lost a father and you can't even pretend to get it.

There's no easy death but a stroke is shit in its own traumatic way, it's prolonged, it brings it's own grief.

Don't post on here in six months time op unsure as to why your daughter has suddenly gone low contact or why in a couple of years she doesn't need your help with the wedding/the baby/the house. This is the reason and you can't even be bothered to care to see it.

When my OH first died I was so worn out with caring, dealing with lockdowns, seeing him dead, organising funeral that it took me a while to take on board the grief of my DDs. But we were always there for each other.

And grieving differently or not coping is fine but if you don't want or have the capacity to listen to your DD then you need to draw a clear boundary and say, "it's time you sought out Cruse or another listening service, I am not in a great place to help you right now"

You have a right to boundaries, equally, she could be forgiven for reaching out to her surviving parent

Rather than posting on here about how indifferent you are and would rather focus on your drunk mate, set the boundary, keep it and sign post her on to someone who gives a shit i.e. not you op

I would find this irritatingly melodramatic from a grown woman.
At 27 she can’t have expected her 79 year old father to have gone on forever.
(My Dad died at 53 and I was 28. Devastating obviously but you have to press on, don’t you?)

Calling your mother to talk about how you’re feeling about the recent loss of your father is unequivocally not using someone as an “emotional punchbag”.

You'd better start seeing your mother as a human being with her own needs rather than a vessel to endlessly pour into you, I reckon.

I think your daughter should be able to accept you had a friend round and it wasn't the right time. My dad died at 51 when I was 25, I wouldn't have expected my mum to drop everything for my grief, I spoke to friends and my sister about it.
I always thought it was harder for my mum as her life changed completely but it's not a competition and I think it was unfair of your daughter to make you feel guilty about not being able to talk at that precise moment.

I know she's technically an adult, but losing a parent in your 20s is pretty unusual. I can't work out from your post whether she's doing this every week (in which case she might be better of also seeking counselling to help process her thoughts)? I'm also not sure how recent is recent?

To be honest, it sounds like to you it was expected after the stroke your DH had, but for her she might have persuaded herself he would get better and it genuinely be a shock.

Sorry for your loss though, and that this is making it worse.

Edit to add - i do think she should have accepted that you weren't free to talk in that moment with better grace though

I also think an adult nearing mid age being devastated that a 79 year old man has died after a year of incapacity is really maladjusted. I know people can't help mental health crises but the first father's day thing is just maudlin nonsense.

He was 79! It cannot possibly have been a legitimate shock.

Are you ok? You seem to be making this thread about something going on in your own life and jumping on anyone with any other opinion than your own?