I’m a bit shit at this mothering malarkey

[Wordsworse]

My husband died recently. Not unexpected, had a stroke last year, no life, in care, etc. DD is only 27 and feeling her loss (DH was 79). She phoned tonight, I had a friend here - 5 hours in at this point, unexpectedly, - DD has been struggling with anxiety (kind of unrelated to his death, she’s got health issues, I’ve had major surgery, appreciate she’s been through the mill in the last few years) but fuck me how many times can I make the right noises, in company of my now quite drunk friend about the fact that it’s Fathers’ Day on Sunday and it’s her first without him?

I’ve been expecting the bringing up of Fathers’ Day if only because of all the effing emails about ‘if you don’t want to hear about Fathers’ Day’. Bit surprised they’ve only just crept into her peripheral vision but I’m actually put out that she felt it necessary to start sobbing then say ‘well I’ll leave you to your evening if you’re busy’ when I clearly had company (I’d been blessed with a FaceTime call). I appreciate I’m a hard hearted bitch but how many different ways can I commiserate? I had the temerity to mention that I still miss my own Dad (but it’s my first one), think of all the happy memories of previous Fathers’ Days (I’m personally struggling to think of many but hey ho) I’m so sorry you are going through this sweetheart, why don’t you accept your boyfriend’s invitation to go home him on Sunday to celebrate with them (why would I want do that) and on it goes.

Bangs head on floor. Am I just completely failing in my duties as a mother?

Answers on a postcard……

The girl is 27. That's not middle aged outside of 19th century liverpool
It's not her fault her feckless father chose to have her in his fifties and apparently he and her mother did nothing to prepare her for this.

Your thirties is midlife even if the modern economy makes you still feel like an infant

This is demonstrably false. 27 is not halfway through the average life expectancy and it’s not the period which is colloquially understood of as mid life.

Jesus there’s some hard hearted people on here.

Losing a parent in your 20s is fucking shit, particularly when you’ve been dealing with the ill health of the other one and facing the possibility you may lose them too. If you can’t be supported in your grief by your own mother that’s pretty crap too.

Yes she should also be supporting her mum, but calling her ‘selfish’ and ‘maudlin’ and ‘you’ve just got to get on with it haven’t you’ is awful. You can’t possibly be this cold in real life, it must be internet bravado.

Id lost 4 parents by a similar age (birth and adopted), I can still find the special days hard sometimes, thank fuck I have people in my life capable of a little empathy who didn’t write me off because I cried down the phone a few times in the first year!

Bloody hell, you sound cold as fuck!

She lost her dad "recently" after a year of him suffering the after effects of a stroke and your response to her grief is; "but fuck me how many times can I make the right noises" and "I’m actually put out that she felt it necessary to start sobbing".

I am much older than your daughter and lost my dad 4 years ago. I am thankful that my mum was never anything other than comforting when I got upset over his loss and I treated her with the same compassion and respect.

I hope your daughter can find comfort and support elsewhere both for the loss of her dad and for her health issues - she sure as hell can't rely on her mum.

I can’t believe what I’m reading. You obviously knew the likelihood of your daughter losing a parent young (and yes 27 is young to lose a parent) when you chose to have kids with a 52 year old man, and now you’re being incredibly callous about the fact she’s grieving because it’s interfering with your evening with your mate? Yes I think that is a very odd attitude.

Thank you for all your replies. Certainly seem to have polarised opinions. I am a bit of a cold fish.

I’ve given myself a good talking too and will try harder to be more empathetic. I’ll see if she wants to come home for the weekend (the right one) and get some mum love and home comforts.

Really? I knew my OH was dying - how could I not, I was wiping his arse for him.?

Believe me I was devasted when he went and I am older than 27.

Gosh! That escalated quickly.
OP- to me your post implied you've listened, advised, loved and listened again. You've offered choices (and it really sounds like the best thing is for her come home and have some mum cuddles). Ultimately you have said nothing that isn't a mild rant at the situation and probably nothing like the face you've put forward to you daughter. It's ok to have a frustrated rant on a anonymous internet forum instead of blowing up actually at your daughter.
Yes everyone grieves differently and everyone needs space sometimes. That's ok. For both of you.

Some of you are such hard hearted bastards. Including the OP actually.

I was 20 older then your daughter when I lost my mum and the first Mother’s Day was torture.

I think everyone is forgetting that everyone deals with grief differently. She's only in her 20s and lost her father. And how we deal with it is no else's business. I am starting to think people are bleeding empathy these days.

If you can't or don't have the energy to support her then maybe point her in the direction of grief counselling.

There is a lot of performative shit especially around father's day and the like, on social media. Tell her to keep away from social media for a month or two. She is probably dreading that.

I am sorry you have lost your husband too but clearly you grieved him earlier, maybe when he had the stroke and was ill. Maybe its taken your daughter longer to process.

I just think there is room for all kinds of grief.
And sometimes people need therapy when they cannot let go.

Absolutely agree and I am very sorry for the loss of your OH.

He wasn't just "a 79 year old man" - what a cold, dismissive way to describe him. He was her dad.

My dad was 81 when I lost him. It broke my heart and to this day, 4 years later, I still feel the tears coming when I look at photos of him. He was, and remains, part of me and part of my life story and I cannot envisage a day when I am not saddened by losing him although I am now at a point where I am also very thankful that I had him for so long. The fact that a person reaches a certain age does not diminish the grief and sense of loss when they are gone.

Some of the comments on this thread are beyond cold and heartless and it makes me glad I have never encountered such people or attitudes in real life.

Under another UN I've been over on the bereavement board after losing a loved one..it's a nice supportive space.

Half the posters on this thread make me realise why society is the broken mess it is. Makes me feel crazy for missing a parent at my then seemingly ancient age of 30.

The other half give me hope for humanity.

27 is young. Any age is hard. Any loss can be hard. On the litter tray board there's lots of TLC for posters grieving a pet. (Been there, fully get it) Grief takes us all differently. There's no universal scoreboard for what is or isn't worthy of grief.

If you don't feel anything, fine. If you don't expect your children to grieve you or their other parent when the time comes,fine.

Life might be easier in some ways if you feel nothing. But I'll take the loss along with the love. Light and shadow. To misquote Descartes, I feel therefore I am.

Humans are social mammals we are primed by tens of thousands of years of biology to need our tribe and social bonds.

I agree that the OP's daughter is grieving, but so is her mother.

When my father died my parents had known each other for 60+ years. A lot longer than I'd been alive. We supported each other, neither of us claimed the right to grieve more.

In this situation the OPs daughter chose to ignore that her mother had company that evening, and expected her grief to take first place which was unfair.

This. And i was the daughter in this situation. No way would i have done that to my mum.

I stand by my post. In the op she seems not to really care.

I haven't dumped my grief on my remaining parent but I don't think the daughter in the op did either.

And there have been some cold replies on here.

Glad it’s not just me who thought the comments seemed to extra harsh

I am on a different planet to some posters here. I don’t think it’s melodramatic in the slightest for the first Father’s Day to hit you like a truck and to contact your surviving parent to talk about that.

I don’t mean you’re at her beck and call all the time but I don’t really understand what she did that was wrong here.

I also was surprised at the OP and the comments

OP, I think you need to both provide support for your daughter, as I think you are, but also ring fence some time to enjoy yourself. I suspect the last few years have been incredibly tough but you are now in a place of moving on and DD is not. Or actually, quite possibly she is, but not in your presence. Does she ring you with good news too? It is possible she calls you when things are not good, which I am sure we have all done to parents/close friends/significant others when we needed a moan but she should have been a bit more sensitive with her timing.

My dad died when I was in my twenties and whilst I do think I was incredibly lucky to have kind people around me, I might have been a little like this on occasion. Some grief counselling would be a great gift if you could manage it. She needs to talk about this but not with you at every opportunity.

A close friend once told me that recovering from grief was just the times inbetween feeling sad getting bigger and I have never forgotten that. I found it really helpful to see it that way. I stopped feeling overwhelmed by it when I could see the time frames stretching out. I go years and years now and am generally very philosophical about it, and it has been useful for bereavements since. I know it will improve.

How is DDs life generally? Is she happy with her lot? I have been on the recent of the misery of DSD who can take things very much to heart and whilst I sympathise, there is only so much you can absorb before you dread the call. We had a feeling we weren't helping when we just listened to hours of her misery so now we do short periods of sympathy followed by subject changes. DH is apt to leave the room when he has heard enough. We don't ask too many questions to prolonge the description of whatever has thrown her off kilter. Things seem minor when you are a grown up but might be perceived differently in your twenties.

I think you would have been well within your rights to draw the conversation to a close when you had a friend around and suggest you catch up at a more convenient time.

Well the title of your thread is correct, yes.

Why did you bother picking up the phone? Jesus, poor girl. Was she closer to her dad than to you?

lol @JontyGentooey How to completely misjudge a relationship from a simple post. You could not be more wrong.

I’m sure it is wrong and it was harshly worded but just on surface value of this post it’s a bit ‘why did my grieving DD ring me and disturb my piss up with my friend? What does she want me to do?’

In that case @followtheswallow my writing skills have clearly taken a nosedive. It was meant to be slightly tongue in cheek but I realise now that none many people see death and grief as something to be lighthearted about.

I really am sorry for your loss, it does sometimes make you react in ways you wouldn’t ordinarily.