I never get invited to parties, no one cares about me …

[Butterontoastandtea]

As the title says those were the words that came from my 8 yr old DS last night, literally broke my heart. Two whole years and not one party invite and only a handful of play dates.

He had such a lovely group of friends through infants and went to loads of parties / play dates, once they moved into yr 3 they mixed the classes and he was separated (2 form entry) from his two best friends and left in a very tricky class. I voiced my concerns at the time but was told “he will be fine”. His friends have of course drifted and become closer to others they knew from outside of school. He joined a football team last year (3 kids from his year group in the same team - 2 in his class). I thought he’d got closer to them but clearly not, they’ve all had parties and not one invite. He has tried with the boys in his class but they’ve just turned out to be horrible to him.
While all this has been going on I have worked at my DS school (not out of choice - I was moved from the feeder school last year) and have seen it all going on and felt helpless. I’ve never mentioned the lack of play dates / parties and thought he hadn’t realised but he clearly has. I think he finally dawned on him yesterday when he heard about a sleepover birthday with a boy he thought he was good friends with.
Makes it so hard being a parent and a TA at the same school and I honestly hate it, I’m so out of the loop with parents as I never see anyone and rarely get asked anywhere. I know this has had an impact also on DC friendships but I don’t know what to do.
We’ve done play dates and rarely any reciprocated, he had a party last year and not one invite back. He’s Birthday is coming up next month and he’s so excited and I honestly don’t know what to do for it, he’s unsure who to invite and I’m at the point I begrudge spending money on kids that don’t bother with him.

I’m just heartbroken for him and had a good cry last night once he’d gone to bed. He’s a good kid, kind hearted and always nice to everyone.
Anyone else been in a similar situation? Any words of advice much appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

We had a similar situation. I found that just focusing on my son helped, by this I mean I just kept inviting children over for play dates, organised parties etc. Don’t even think about whether they are reciprocated or not, and stop thinking that spending money on a party is spending money in other children - it’s spending money on your son. I was just relentless arranging for kids to come over. The one to one time helped. He did get a few invites back, not many, but a few. I hope this is helpful.

I agree with the previous poster. Some classes are just less sociable too, there may not be as many parties and playdates as you think. Maybe your child could pick a couple of children he would like to be friends with and invite them round.

I’ve been there

keep going on the play dates.

float the idea with your DS of a special birthday treat rather than a party. He can choose a day out (subject to finances obviously)

I agree with PP, that’s the way to go. Do it on weekends too where you invite the parent over for coffee. The mums are the way in here- that is just the truth. It’s the mums who decide who their kids get closer to and also if the mums are friendly they are more inclined to get the kids together.
don’t keep a tab on who is inviting you back, just do all the hard work. He will make a friend or two.

I think you need to take a step back from your strong emotion about this. As pps said, just keep on inviting children around. And you’re not spending money on other children if you throw a birthday party, you’re spending it on your son. Or offer him the choice of a big family day out treat instead? Try different out of school activities — Scouts?

Thank you for replying, and giving me a different focus on the spending money for a birthday celebration. You’re right it’s for my son to make him happy and that’s how I need to see it.

Thanks for everyone’s replies, they are very helpful.
I guess I definitely need to be a bit more proactive than I have been and not focus too much on who is inviting him back but just focusing on him having a nice time with a friend / friends whatever we plan. There are a couple of parents I meet with but it’s just finding a way back in with a few more.

A lot of my emotional struggles stem from being at the same school as my children, I never wanted this as I knew it wouldn’t work for me and made it so clear but it didn’t matter. I think knowing all the ins and outs and being too involved makes it more intense. I am currently looking for a new job but just need to see out the school holidays first (childcare).

I’m going to have a chat with my DS over the weekend and make a plan for his bday. It will be a choice of something with friends or a family day out, I just want to make it special for him so he feels loved and cared about.
It was just his words last night that really got me and I just felt for him as he’s never said anything before.
His year group is generally a very tricky one in comparison to my other DC’s, but they are mixing for next year and I have spoken to his teacher about my concerns so I’m hoping things get better.

I think you’re right to want to move jobs if it’s making you this unhappy, but just to say that I worked FT from when DS was in Reception, almost never did drop off or pickup, so barely knew the other parents by sight, and it never particularly impacted on DS’s friendships.

I think you may be overestimating how many parties are going on and who is being invited. My youngest is 8. He has a lovely group of friends. Not left out at all. He’s been to 1 party in the past year. We didn’t do one this year. We haven’t hosted any play dates either (I have cancer, it’s too much right now). He’s been to maybe 3 play dates in the past year. Parties get very small at this age, if they happen at all. I think they often think more is happening than it really is. My eldest is 13 and the trend continues from here. I don’t socialise with any parents at the school gate, it’s never impacted my dc’s friendships. They both have lots of friends. But parties and hosting are a lot of work, especially when both parents work, and people just aren’t doing it right now. Same as you’re considering not doing a party.

DS 8 hasn't been invited to any parties since he was 4 or 5yo. Same with DS10. They just sort of fizzle out. Cost of living will also be a massive influence on parents paying for parties now too. I personally can't afford it. Only a family meal out.

What?
At 8/9 mine still had regular party invites
They might not have been whole class but off the top of my head
Swimming party
Disco ( my DC)
Pizza/ bowling
Trampolining
Days out ( usually one or two)
Definitely still going on

Also at 8, definitely I wouldn’t be inviting parents round! This is a sure fire way to get them to run in the other direction. Past 5, I’d not agree to a play date I had to attend or coffee with another parent. Yikes, no. I don’t want to be friends. But I’m happy for my dc to come play for an hour or two. It’s about them. I have plenty of friends and don’t want to chat.

@Butterontoastandtea
Does he have difficulties with friendships in general ?

I don’t know why it seems to have impacted friendships so much but it just has. Through reception and yr 1 I was doing most drop off picks up and knew most of the parents and was always told how popular my DS was. In yr 2 both school hours changed slightly so I was still at the feeder school but finishing later so everyone had left by the time I got over to DC school and only did a couple of the drop offs and I already sensed a shift with parents / friendships. Since being at my DC’s school these last two years it has had a major shift, all the mums have their cliques and I’m so out of it I just feel so awkward and it’s massively impacted my DC.
It is definitely time for a change in jobs, I’m generally not happy in my role anyway within the school and friendship issues have just added to it.

But you said they mixed up the year groups at the same time, separating him from his closest friends — are you sure you’re not conflating the two?

Sorry unsure what you mean?

He really struggled in nursery due to lockdown as spent all his time with siblings and grown ups so found it hard to mix with his peers.
He found some friends towards the end of his time at nursery, one he is now back at school with (as went to the feeder school) and the other went to a different school but I kept this friendship going (thank goodness) as I got on well with the Mum. We see each other every few months I guess.
When he started in reception and had all the parties and play dates and seemed to have a nice little group of friends I relaxed a bit as I was so happy for him, I just never thought it would change quite so dramatically over a few years.

Well this is helpful…

Nope, none of my four had this at aged 8 or 9. Parties aged 4 to 7 mainly.

My son ( now 10) is not one of the ‘popular’ kids either . He is a bit quirky has an old soul but is kind clever and funny . It was tricky to know what to do for his birthday as he didn’t get invited to all the parties either. Last year . we decided to do a special family outing and I think this has been more enjoyable for him .
Now year 6 and he seems to have come into his own - 7 party invitations this year ( 18 boys ). No idea how many parties there have been…
Hang in there , sort some play dates and if the birthday feels too big a deal keep
it low key with a special outing / treat instead.

Fro experience the way forward is rugby or musical theatre or tennis or something regular every week. Outside school friends can be such a positive.

It’s not unusual, but it’s so tough, on the child and the parent.

BBC is even making a show about it. https://www.instagram.com/p/DZMomGUAIrM/

Same here.

Around us both parents work. Cost of living high.

Less playdates and parties in primary school with our 3rd than 1st and 2nd. Had them with an age gap.

My DS wasn’t really invited to many parties or play dates in primary school. I really worried as there were definitely loads going on and all the mums were all good mates - with lots of camping trips etc, that we just weren’t included on. I spent lots of time worrying that it was my fault as i just didn’t click with the mums. Roll on secondary school and DS has made a lovely group of mates and has a great social life.

I’m glad to hear things improved for your DS, that’s reassuring. With a class mix up for next year I am hoping things get better as he has been very unfortunate with his class these last two years.