I never get invited to parties, no one cares about me …

[Butterontoastandtea]

As the title says those were the words that came from my 8 yr old DS last night, literally broke my heart. Two whole years and not one party invite and only a handful of play dates.

He had such a lovely group of friends through infants and went to loads of parties / play dates, once they moved into yr 3 they mixed the classes and he was separated (2 form entry) from his two best friends and left in a very tricky class. I voiced my concerns at the time but was told “he will be fine”. His friends have of course drifted and become closer to others they knew from outside of school. He joined a football team last year (3 kids from his year group in the same team - 2 in his class). I thought he’d got closer to them but clearly not, they’ve all had parties and not one invite. He has tried with the boys in his class but they’ve just turned out to be horrible to him.
While all this has been going on I have worked at my DS school (not out of choice - I was moved from the feeder school last year) and have seen it all going on and felt helpless. I’ve never mentioned the lack of play dates / parties and thought he hadn’t realised but he clearly has. I think he finally dawned on him yesterday when he heard about a sleepover birthday with a boy he thought he was good friends with.
Makes it so hard being a parent and a TA at the same school and I honestly hate it, I’m so out of the loop with parents as I never see anyone and rarely get asked anywhere. I know this has had an impact also on DC friendships but I don’t know what to do.
We’ve done play dates and rarely any reciprocated, he had a party last year and not one invite back. He’s Birthday is coming up next month and he’s so excited and I honestly don’t know what to do for it, he’s unsure who to invite and I’m at the point I begrudge spending money on kids that don’t bother with him.

I’m just heartbroken for him and had a good cry last night once he’d gone to bed. He’s a good kid, kind hearted and always nice to everyone.
Anyone else been in a similar situation? Any words of advice much appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

He’s in a football team with 3 boys from his year group which he joined a year ago, to help with socialising. It doesn’t seem to have made much difference though, he’s had play date with 2 of them and had one invite back.
He also swims but stopping in July but it’s small groups anyway.
I’m going to look into other clubs for him as this will definitely help.

It’s not helpful but it’s true, regardless of the cost of living there are lots of parties /
play dates going on as I see it happening.
In our school every Friday in assembly all DC’s whose birthdays it has been that week stand in front of the whole school and everyone sings happy birthday. They are then also asked what they’re doing for their birthdays and this is how my son found out about the birthday sleepover. Plus the play dates I see happening all the time when I’m dismissing my class at the end of the day and waiting for my son to meet me. And of course there’s social media too!
When you see it happening all the time it’s hard not to feel for child when you know that they’re never invited.

Could he join a Cub pack, OP?

https://www.scouts.org.uk/cubs/

What is the head thinking of by asking children publicly about their celebration plans.l?!

They should know better!

All you can do is to help your child feel secure that they ARE good enough. It’s heartbreaking when your child is unhappy . Worst case scenario if really unhappy or bullied is a school move .

I know have I often thought this as there will always be kids not invited and then have to hear about other children’s plans. I have thought about saying something but I don’t want it to sound like it’s a me thing but a thought for all children.
Yes we have considered a school move, as I don’t know if I can put him through another two years of this.

100% do cubs.

I mean this kindly but your entire op is focussing on how the “other” kids are “horrible” to him and he’s “not annoying” and kind and friendly and tries hard.

but the reality is op - you don’t know what goes on at school in relation to your son and his classmates. All I’m saying is be open to the possibility that perhaps your son is not behaving with his peers as you, his mother, see him

It's heart breaking and practically impossible to see that in a few years or even months none of this will matter one bit.
Try something away from school. Keep it light and cheery.

I'm afraid in life, there will be parties and sleep overs that we are excluded from.
It's not nice if you are sensitive.
Sad that life has become one long competition.

But the thing is I do as I work there and I see it all and hear it all. I’m honestly not being biased when it comes to my son, I’ll always take accountability when my son misbehaves / acts up etc and I’m not just putting the blame on others.
His year group are awful it’s all staff talk about day in day out, I’ve had to walk out of the staffroom a few times upset as I’m so fed up of hearing it. Behaviour, manners, respect is just awful in his year group in comparison to other year groups. It’s basically the year group no one wants to work in especially his class!
Just writing all this down makes me question why on earth I’ve kept him at that school!!

I think you get this, it's a fluke. A certain combination of personalities and a very very small pond. It all changes as they move through the system. Staff should not be moaning and keep their professional heads on.
Primary schools can be highly unpleasant places.

If you're looking for other clubs, I'd highly recommend looking at Cubs.

Time for a fresh start.

There are 30 kids in his class OP

snd I promise you that you do not know the inter relations between 8 year olds day in day out

my point is - just be open to the possibility your son isn’t as pure as the driven snow

Seeing as I’m the one working in that school and know my child I think we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

It is very unfortunate as my older two were so lucky with their year group.
I think a lot of staff forget how many parents also work at that school at times and often put their foot in it!

I thought this was the opening to a Sum 41 song for a moment!

Your DS situation sounds very like my DS(11). The school mixes classes every year, which I agree with, but for y4 he wasn’t with any friends at all (despite pupils requested to list 5 people they would like to be with, and the school would guarantee at least 1, he got none at all). After a few months in y4 his friendships fell apart.

DS was then the one always on the periphery of groups, no play dates offered or reciprocated, no party invites anymore although kids would come to his (he’d invite kids he liked).

Now in y6 the SENCO has a programme that they run with an external provider which is designed to match kids up with another 1-2 who are lonely at school. They go for 45 mins once a week and the person who comes into the school to facilitate it will do 1-2 activities with the children that are designed to get them talking to each other - it has been things like playing UNO or shooting basketball hoops outside - designed to be flexible to follow their interests to find something they both enjoy. Most of all, to try and build up a rapport, find common interests, and hopefully spark a friendship. It has worked for my DS - he has made two ‘new’ friends, who he has actually known since Reception, who he was unaware were also feeling lonely and friendless. Perhaps speak to the SENCO for ideas and see if they run a similar programme (I did Google the name of it but it appears that it isn’t a nationwide provider). Also check with the SENCO to see if the school runs the ELSA programme - DS did this in and it helped a lot with emotional support.

DS has also been in the Scout movement since Beavers, and while I highly recommend it, I don’t think it’s the magic friendship-making bullet that some people think it is. I have been a volunteer for a few years and kids do have a tendency to stick with the friends they already know sometimes. DS is now in Scouts and my opinion of this hasn’t changed yet either.

I would say cubs is a good idea. Dd went to brownies and then guides and it was a different crowd from school.

Are you still in touch with his friends mums from infants?

As you say if school isn't working out try a different one.

There’s a reason I didn’t suggest football. The dynamic seems very different amongst parents to other sports and activities. (I have four and we’ve covered a whole range. Football was the one I found weird).

What is the name of the programme? Sounds like something all schools should be using

Have you considered (totally unfairly if so) that some other parents may be reluctant to invite yours because you work at the school?

Did this problem exist before you started working at the school? Perhaps some kids feel they don’t want to be friends with the teacher’s / TA’s child? Perhaps, because you are an authority figure in the school, they’re wary that your son might tell on them or get them into trouble in some way? If they came to your house, that you might tell them off? I’m not saying they are right to feel this, but they’re little kids, so they might…

DS2 was in a year group like this in his last school. There was a couple of nice boys in it but overall the behaviour of the kids in his small year was absolutely atrocious. They had a reputation for being the worst year and the bullying that went on his year was disgusting. My son was also left out of parties, playdates and sleepovers with a few of the nice kids. I moved him to a different school and i am so glad I did. The difference is phenomenal but I underestimated how much this situation impacted his mental health. He has taken a long time to heal and trust other kids (although he made 1 good friends immediately)