I never get invited to parties, no one cares about me …

[Butterontoastandtea]

As the title says those were the words that came from my 8 yr old DS last night, literally broke my heart. Two whole years and not one party invite and only a handful of play dates.

He had such a lovely group of friends through infants and went to loads of parties / play dates, once they moved into yr 3 they mixed the classes and he was separated (2 form entry) from his two best friends and left in a very tricky class. I voiced my concerns at the time but was told “he will be fine”. His friends have of course drifted and become closer to others they knew from outside of school. He joined a football team last year (3 kids from his year group in the same team - 2 in his class). I thought he’d got closer to them but clearly not, they’ve all had parties and not one invite. He has tried with the boys in his class but they’ve just turned out to be horrible to him.
While all this has been going on I have worked at my DS school (not out of choice - I was moved from the feeder school last year) and have seen it all going on and felt helpless. I’ve never mentioned the lack of play dates / parties and thought he hadn’t realised but he clearly has. I think he finally dawned on him yesterday when he heard about a sleepover birthday with a boy he thought he was good friends with.
Makes it so hard being a parent and a TA at the same school and I honestly hate it, I’m so out of the loop with parents as I never see anyone and rarely get asked anywhere. I know this has had an impact also on DC friendships but I don’t know what to do.
We’ve done play dates and rarely any reciprocated, he had a party last year and not one invite back. He’s Birthday is coming up next month and he’s so excited and I honestly don’t know what to do for it, he’s unsure who to invite and I’m at the point I begrudge spending money on kids that don’t bother with him.

I’m just heartbroken for him and had a good cry last night once he’d gone to bed. He’s a good kid, kind hearted and always nice to everyone.
Anyone else been in a similar situation? Any words of advice much appreciated.
Thank you for reading.

Thank you for taking the time to reply and your understanding. It is so tough when they’re on the outside of groups and just trying to make their way in.
Your SENCO sounds amazing, and what a great programme for schools to run so no child is left out, I may mention this to our school.
However in saying that we’ve not had a SENCO for this last academic year which is just ridiculous especially for the high level of need we have at our school.

I have no idea, this has never really crossed my mind to be honest.
But really I think it’s because I’m rarely on the playground with DS mornings / afternoons so I think it’s more of a case of out of sight out of mind so to speak.

No not really as I was on the playground at pick up / drop off so was in with the parents a bit more and my DC had that on extra social time with friends.
That is a valid point about not wanting to be friends with the kid whose Mum works at school as one kid in particular who used to be good friends with my son suddenly turned on him calling him a snitch when in fact it was other kids telling on him. It got to the point he was so horrible to my DC and one lunch I saw him kick my DC in the shins for no reason. At that point the Mum in me took over as I’d had enough and I spoke to the kid, he left my kid alone after that. My DC just started to keep his distance and play with others but occasionally he is still mean as they’re in the same class!

Unless you experience a situation like this it’s so hard to understand the impact it has. At times last year my DC didn’t want to go in to school and I got him there as I work there! it’s just awful.
I’m glad things worked out well for your DC by moving schools, it’s honestly something I’m really starting to consider for his last two years.

My eldest DS has always played football and it’s always been a great social thing, we’ve even had Mum’s nights out! As it’s only just been my DC’s first season I’m hoping things improve, he’s not the strongest of players so I’m not sure if that’s a disadvantage to him with regards to friends.
I’ve always enjoyed the cricket vibe it’s much more relaxed and chilled. Football can be quite frantic and too competitive.

My son was refusing to go to school too. He was bullied, left out and miserable. Its horrible to witness as you feel so helpless as a mum. My son only had 3 year's left of primary when I moved him (he has just over 2 now) but I felt it would give him time to make new friends, build confidence and be happier in himself.

He is still healing but if was definitely the best thing for him. Also if the year has a few problematic kids in it they all tend to get tarred with the same brush which isnt fair. I still hear endless complaints about the school i moved him from. His year still seems to have so much trouble in it. I had totally underestimated how negatively the situation affected me to and now I ama away from it all I find i am drained listening to the drama that still goes on and see it all totally toxic. Is it a big year group? Everything you are describing sounds just like mg sons old year group in Scotland.

@Butterontoastandtea

Would he like Junior Sea Cadets, OP?

https://www.sea-cadets.org/junior-sea-cadets

Your poor son, how awful. So glad things have been better in a new school.
It’s a two-form entry school but neither class is full and has roughly 26/27 kids in each class as so many have left over the years.
But you’re right the whole year group gets tarnished when behaviour is so bad and the nice kids get completely overlooked!
The impact it is having on both of us is a lot, and I’m trying to get out and find a different job but just need to see this year out for the holidays.

Why don’t you ask he change classes then to the one with his two mates in?

I did many times last year along with other parents and they wouldn’t swap.
I was actually told “we can’t say yes to you and show preferential treatment to staff” and so my child has had to suffer.
The other class is more more settled, behaviour is better and dare I say it the nicer kids are all in that class. It really was a bad split which everyone has admitted so I’m praying it’s better next year.

I really do feel for you but speaking as an older person, these things sort themselves out sometimes.I would not draw attention to the problem or feed it in any way whatsoever. Look at Cubs, Craft clubs, Drama...anything really. The showing off about birthdays is horrible. There must be other kids who don't have wealthy families and loads of friends.
Everybody is frayed and unpleasant as we approach the end of the school year.

Perhaps the Head will have the good sense to split up the awkward customers and stop the Birthday bragging.

Unfortunately there are kids in life who are perfectly lovely that just dont gel with kids in their class or others target them for whatever reason. Children who are excluded are also more likely to act up as a result. Not every child with no friends is awful. Though I think parents of horrible kids do try and find fault with the ones who excluded - rightly or wrongly. I think as a teacher in the same school - her senses are accurate and youve made your point twice now so no need to press further. Sounds like an awful class, hopefully the class mix up will be helpful OP.

The nice kids were largely overlooked in my sons old year to and the poorly behaved ones seemed to almost get rewarded at times (this was purely bad behaviour not SEN needs). These kids new they could behave as badly as they wanted and get away with it! It was an abysmal situation for the kids who did want to learn, behave and socilaise nicely. It was a small yeatr group but about 5 kids left in a short space of time and all seem to be doing much better in other schools. I didnt want my ds tarnished by the secondary school as being a naughty kid either which he would have been had he stayed in his old school

Exactly this, bad behaviour is always rewarded while the nice kids just have to get on with it.
It really is so sad what is happening within schools.

Thank you.

In what way is bad behaviour rewarded please? Genuinely interested.

I can't stand it, pandering to naughty kids.

I was going to suggest scouts/cubs.

Last place we lived it could be hard past the whole class party stage to get invites - not becuase my DC didn't have friends but because we weren't locals. Also hard to get places in outside groups for same reason never got to top of lists.

You throw parties anyway invite kids over say hello at oarks and help the child make friends any way you can - outside school groups can be hugely helpful becuase if someone wrong in school they know it's not them. So look for any outside groups in your area.

I and the kids have both experienced being moved away from friends - and sometime you make more sometimes you don't in school - it's not uncommon.

Maybe they'll mixed again next year - and perhaps if your job changes then you'll be more able to push back rather than be told they can't play favorites.

My kids new school isnt like this. They are really strict about what behaviour is acceptable and dont tolerate poor behaviour which has meant my kids are doing so much better socially, emotionally and academically.

Sorry to hear this - I have been through the same with my 9YO it seems to stem from the clique of mums in my experience and I don’t get involved so my kid is left out. I’m not sure about inviting lots as when you invite and don’t get taken up on it that is also hurtful.

i have told mine we can’t control what others do and that im not friends with anyone now that i was at primary school, I try to keep them busy with other activities.

I also don’t think it’s good to try enforce friendships that don’t come naturally as if they end that’s a whole other drama.

And that is exactly how it should be!
Ours preaches behaviour policies yet consequences are inconsistent if at all existent!
Just this week a child bit two children over two consecutive days, nothing was done. The child went home as normal and came back the next day. Often feels like a hierarchy dependent on who gets hurt and what the consequences are.

@bafta16 rewards as in some nice time outside playing football / basketball to “regulate” or quiet time in the office colouring and getting a biscuit or something and skipping back to class like nothing has happened. Whereas any other child would probably get a good telling off and miss break / some lunchtime play.

In my kids old school things like one girl who was constantly telling lies about other kids to get them in trouble, making really nasty comments to other kids as soon as the teacher was out of ear shot and despite multiple complaints from other parents about her the teacher didnt believe it so let her make group decisions, be a class representative and was constantly praising her to the kids she was bullying.

Blaming the kids who had been physically assaulted by a couple of kids for "antagonising" them. Antagonising them included happening to be in the same area at the same time and not looking at them or being in a gym class with them!

Giving class votes when a group in the class was out for other activities and then when the kids who didnt get to vote complained about not liking the outcome or the vote or being allowed to take part then telling them off (this happened a few times).

Putting my child out of the room after another child snatched his work off him and screamed it was his. This was despite all the kids on the table telling the teacher what had happened and it was my childs work. Whilst my child was put out of the room the child ripped his work to pieces. My child got told off for shouting at the boy for destroying his work.

Trying to force friendships between kids despite 1 bullying the other on and off for years and the child telling the staff to keep the child away from them because he hurts him.

Taking a boy who assaulted 2 other kids in the playground for no reason to a reward activity and telling the kids of who had been attacked for trying to defend themselves.

Ignoring vile language. If certain kids screamed over others they got listened to whilst others who sat, listened, put there hands up and waited there turn were totally ignored. If a parent screamed and swore in the playground they gor whatever they wanted and nothing was done so other kids and parents were expected to put up qith it.

That was pretty much my last kids school depending on who got hurt and if they were a favourite or not would depend if anything was done.

Really feel for you OP. This is extremely hard and hurtful. You're not alone.