can my partner be called step dad by my kids even if we’re not married?

[louisejaneokx]

Me and my partner aren’t married and my children call him by his name. However, my son at school has started telling his friends “that’s my other dad” or “my dad is picking me up”

(we have NEVER put this into his head) but he’s a smart kid. He’s only 6.

my sister one day was talking to my son and ended up talking about “step dad” she didn’t mean no harm.

my son now talks about my current partner sometimes when he goes to his dads and refers him to “step dad” once in a while. And his real dad says “he’s not your step dad, he’s a friend. You only have 1 dad”

is his real dad in the wrong or not?

it does break my heart as his real dad sees the kids 6 nights a month, unemployed and will not make any effort to see them In the week or have them any longer. Always texting us to drop them off later then are agreement, chasing for child maintenance etc (the list goes on) My current parent has done way more for the kids than their real dad ever did hence why I left him. My partner does ALL the things my ex should have done and should do now!!

I'm no expert, but strictly speaking, you'd need to be married or in a civil partnership to be a stepparent.

It’s up to your son really, it’s obviously something he’s decided he likes. There’s no law on it.

I think it would be good to support his choice without promoting it but try to protect him from two things to the extent you can a) his father’s judgment/annoyance/anger. b) (and I know this probably feels a bit disloyal, but statically it’s a big risk) the possibility your DP will leave and no longer see your son or otherwise drop the father roll he currently provides as your son gets older.

My little girl sometimes refers to my partner as her “2nd dad” and says he’s just like a step dad even though we’re not married. I think the kids can call him whatever they feel comfortable with. Sometimes “step dad” is easier for others to understand than “mums boyfriend”. If the essence of their relationship is such that that’s the role he fills practically then I don’t see the problem.

my ex does the same as yours tho. When my daughter referred to my partner as her step dad once in front of her dad he said “theyre not married so he’s not ur step dad” 🙄 technically he’s right, but what matters is how ur kid sees Him and what he feels comfortable with

I think it’s fine as long as you will be OK with your son calling a new partner his other mum or saying ’my mum is picking me up’ about a new partner.

I can see why he might find it easier to say step-dad when he’s talking about him to his friends as school, or what have you.
its not legally correct though, obviously.

how his dad is reacting is not unusual, (regardless of how involved he is day-to-day), and you might feel the same way as your ex if it was the other way round.

would DS understand if you suggested to him that it might be better not to refer to your DP as step-dad in front of his dad?
im sure he’ll make his own choices as he gets older, but might be easier all round for now?

Well, your son can do whatever he wants as long as not forced. He probably just wants to feel like all the other kids and say, my dad is picking me up, instead of the guy who lives with us Bob is picking me up. But it depends on the seriousness of the relationship, I wouldn’t be living with or having my kids call anyone dad who I wasn’t serious enough about to marry.

It’s up to you, I call my brothers dad step dad even though he was never married to my mum

It's up to your son. My DD10 refers to my DP as her step dad when talking to other people even though we're not married. She also refers to her dad's partners children as her step sisters but doesn't refer to his partner as her step mum - I think that's just because they've only been together for just over a year

If you live together then for all intents and purposes he is his stepdad, apart from a signature on a piece of paper. For an 6yr old explaining who he is to his friends it’s probably just easiest.

Of course if you/DS/DP are ok with that.

I refer to DP as my husband and his parents as my in laws in every day conversation. We might as well be married and tbh I do forget we're not 😂

I call my mum’s partner my stepdad sometimes, even though I’m in my 50s and they only met 20 years ago. I just use it as a short cut to explaining what the relationship is between us. Obvs maybe I wouldn’t use it it in a legal context, but socially, fine.

Do you live with your partner? If so then I can understand your DS seeing him as his step dad.

He can be called anything you chose and you are all happy with.

There is nothing in law about this.

I always referred to my mums partner as my step-dad, even though I didn’t actually call him “dad”. He was more of a dad to me than my biological waste of oxygen ever was.

I guess it depends on how long you've been together and what your child is comfortable with.

I think a pet name or nickname would be better. A name just for him.

Its something that should ideally be child led. I didn’t realise for a while that my son had started calling my then partner ‘daddy James’ at school until they called and asked for his phone number as they thought I had forgotten to provide it as a second contact when he started school.

I think there's 2 sides to this, when/if your ex meets someone new, are you going to be fine if your ds decides to call the new lady mummy? If you're fine with that then keep rolling with what your son chooses. If however you'd find it very difficult (it happened to me but I didn't have a partner until ds was 16) My ex started dated whilst we were divorcing, 3 year old DS at the time came home telling me how he had a new mummy now and new sisters and how they were all going to live together... I understand that your ex is a waste of space but one doesn't justify the other. My ds is an adult now and describes my husband as his parent, his choice .

Yes we live together and been together 3 years. Nothing is forced and my son has randomly started saying things on his own terms. How do I react to what his real dad is saying though when he stays over? As his real dad is saying “he’s not your step dad, I’m your dad and he’s just a friend” ??? My son has come home and told me this so how do I respond? Xx

There is no law around this! yes it’s the norm but OP and her son can do what feels right for them.

I called my mum’s partner my stepdad long before they married. I am far closer to him than my bio dad.

Tell him that his dad may have certain emotions about hearing the word stepdad but he cannot tell your son how to call your partner, it’s up to your son ultimately. Tell him adults can be wrong or mistaken sometimes and his dad just loves him and is feeling insecure. Ask him what he wants to call your partner and agree that you will speak to his dad about it and he doesn’t have to worry.

I think it’s quite normal to refer to the live in partner of a parent as step-dad/mum. And also the family of a live-in partner as in-laws.

Although not ’officially’ correct I think this is really common. I used to refer to my step dad as ‘step dad’ as a child/early teenager when talking to others about him even though my mum and him weren’t married yet. From my perspective it was easier than saying “mums boyfriend” or referring to him by name and feeling like I had to explain who he was etc. He’s been in my life since I was very young and he’d more than earned that title as he did many things for me that my real dad did not. Calling him “mums boyfriend” didn’t do him justice imo. Then they got married when I was a teenager and he officially became my step dad but to me he had been that for years already through his actions.

I think it’s a positive thing that your dc thinks highly enough of him to refer to him as step dad. It’s a reflection of the positive role your partner has had in your dc’s lives. If that’s how they want to refer to him, even if it’s not ‘official’ then let them. Their ‘real’ dad is being insecure and whilst that is somewhat understandable, he needs to understand it from your dc’s perspective, and probably put more effort into being a dad in the first place.

He can call your partner what he likes. Your ex is out of order and insecure.

I don't think it's appropriate for children to call someone who isn't their mother or father 'mum' or 'dad' unless that parent is completely absent from their lives.

I wouldn't want my child calling another woman who has no connection to them, isn’t their mum, and would never see them again if she split up with their father, 'other mum' or 'mum'. So while your ex-DH might be a twat, in principle I agree with him regarding the use of titles.

'Step-dad' isn't technically correct as you aren't married, but that seems fine for your son to use as easy shorthand imo, instead of 'mum's boyfriend'. But 'dad' and 'other dad' are not accurate for a man you've known 3 years, who would likely never see your son again if you split up.

I had a quick Google for this because it occurred to me that I had no idea how the word “step” came to be used in this way. Apparently it comes from an old English word “astepan“ that means “bereaved” or “orphaned” and was used to refer to a child who had lost his or her parents and was then taken in and looked after by other family members. Over time, the word was shortened to “step” and has come to refer to other relationships that arise from divorce or relationship breakdown and new, blended families.

So it seems to me that there is absolutely no reason why your child can’t refer to your partner exactly as he wants to. which of course he can, anyway, whatever the origin of the word.