can my partner be called step dad by my kids even if we’re not married?

[louisejaneokx]

Me and my partner aren’t married and my children call him by his name. However, my son at school has started telling his friends “that’s my other dad” or “my dad is picking me up”

(we have NEVER put this into his head) but he’s a smart kid. He’s only 6.

my sister one day was talking to my son and ended up talking about “step dad” she didn’t mean no harm.

my son now talks about my current partner sometimes when he goes to his dads and refers him to “step dad” once in a while. And his real dad says “he’s not your step dad, he’s a friend. You only have 1 dad”

is his real dad in the wrong or not?

it does break my heart as his real dad sees the kids 6 nights a month, unemployed and will not make any effort to see them In the week or have them any longer. Always texting us to drop them off later then are agreement, chasing for child maintenance etc (the list goes on) My current parent has done way more for the kids than their real dad ever did hence why I left him. My partner does ALL the things my ex should have done and should do now!!

Entirely up to the child.

My dc saw their stepdad as a stepdad way before we got married they recognised he did so much more for them than their own dad did.

Where I come from, a child would never call on older person by name. Im this case, it would be using Uncle, rather than dad.

The real dad is being a dick - I get it but he’s being led by his ego
This needs to be child led. How wonderful your son has such a good relationship with your partner that he wants to call him second Dad
My DD started calling my partner (before we married) Dad at that age. It upset her enormously (a) when told off by real Dad (b) when my partner tried to stop it out of respect for real Dad
the kid knows this man is not his real dad but it will bring him comfort and a feeling of safety and belonging to consider him as a dad

Being a parent is not about blood or marriage. Plenty of men are married to mothers and are not a step dad to their children.

Kids don't understand the biology of parentage. They understand the presence. Their dad is the man that supports them and protects them, provides for them, goes in the night when they're scared, takes time off for awards assemblies and sports day. Your marriage status has nothing to do with it.

A step parent can only get parental responsibility legally if they are married to one of the child's biological parents. Or adopt the child.

At keast he has a male role model and refers to him as a Dad/ step dad i see no problem.
If the maternal parebt is as he is then that is his issue and well deserved for being a drop kick
Have a talk with your son, partner about whats comfortable for all to refer to him.

As long as it's the children's choice , they can call him what they want.

My children generally just refer to their step dad as their dad, and did even before we were married. Their actual dad is a flakey narcissist and their step dad does so much for them. The key is this came from them and not from me.

But the mother's boyfriend is not the child's uncle. That would mean he's the mother's brother and would be incest. He could be the father's brother but that would be odd and there would be very strained family relations.

I have heard of some people calling parents' friends uncle and auntie when they bore no relation but it seems very peculiar. I am quite old in MNet terms and respect was marked by using an adult's title when I was a child.

I call my step by his first name but I was an adult when he came into my life. Friends who had steps at an earlier age, tend to call them by their name, introducing them as my step dad/father, Charlie/Bob/Steve.

I know some people use aunt and uncle for family friends, but not a partner acting in a parental role. Stepdad seems fine, a 6 year old isn't using it as a legal term.

Bear in mind that "mum's boyfriend" can be very embarrassing for children, who just want to fit in. In school I would have said step dad (I once said he was my older brother!) as extra 'parents' was not a thing in my friendship group, I was very conscious about it. It did not in any way mean that I viewed him as a dad or extra parent though.
Please do not ever insinuate or say that the step parent is more worthy to be called dad because they do more. This is hugely unfair to the child.

My mum and step dad were together 25 years before they got married, they met when I was 13 and I just referred to him to anyone that asked as a step dad, my own father chose not to be a parent and my sd treated me like I was his own daughter even if I rejected him a bit during my teen years

How would you feel if your ex got a new partner and your 6yo started calling her mum?

Completely up to your son. My daughters occasionally refer to my parter as step dad for ease. Literally no one else’s business but your family.

He’s clearly more than just a friend. If your son started calling another woman mum, would you be good with it?

I would've thought an agreed but distinct term like stepdad would be the best option. XP is right to stress that there's only one dad and it's him, but that's why clear terminology would be helpful for everyone. And yes, you'll need to be ok with the use of 'stepmum' when the time comes OP.

Will you be supportive when/if your son starts calling his dads girlfriend his mother in the future?

Thankyou for this. I don’t know how to respond to my son when he comes home from his dads and his dad says “daddy said he’s just a friend and not my step dad or second dad” x

"He is fulfilling the role of a father". "At home you can call him '2nd dad/other dad' but at your real/biological dad's, just call him John"

Incest? What the hell? Uncle and Aunty are generic terms to refer to people who are older than you as well. It's not always a relational term. I even call my friend's parents, as uncle and aunty. Never by their name. It's a sign of respect. And only a suggestion, in this case.

My sister's partner is called Dad and Grandad by all her kids and grandkids. It's not legal for paperwork, but apart from that it's fine.

It isn't in my opinion. It's incorrect and infers a person is the brother or sister of one of your parents and a family member.

Uncle and Auntie are not generic terms at all.

I never referred to my parents friends as auntie Rosemary and Uncle Joe, they'd have thought it odd and would probably have laughed. As a child and as a sign of respect, I called them Mr and Mrs Jones. Similarly, none of our close friends' children called us auntie or uncle, because we were not their auntie or uncle. DH is uncle to his sister's children. No others.

DH and I are mid 60s, occasionally one of the children's friends called us Mr or Mrs Jones. We aren't dinosaurs and asked them to call us by our first names.

I’m married to him now but before we were married my kids referred to my husband as their stepdad. He’s more of a dad to them than their biological dad has ever been.

I honestly believe that the more people there are to love a child the better, and it’s up to the adults to get over their hang ups.

He behaves like a dad and is treated like a dad so why not call him that? The upset if you split up will be the same whatever he calls him.

Stepdad is perfect isn’t it - not legally but no one uses common law step dad but outside of legal terminology that is the role. How your son feels important and if he spends four times longer with your partner who invests in him more then as your son grows up he will probably see more of him still. Just ask him to call your partner by name when talking to his dad as he likes it better.

I would use the term step dad, if he has been in your DC’s life a reasonable time, and especially if living together and he has stepped into a caring role.

For now, whilst your DC is young, maybe tell him to use partner’s name when with his dad (different house, different rules). But when he is older he will hopefully have the confidence to be able to tell his dad he will call your partner whatever he likes