Would You Be Ok With This Sex Life?

[PhoebeBuffay1234]

As the title says. Do you think you would be happy if your sex life with your spouse of 21 years consisted of it being once a week, pretty much at the same time and often the same routine? I’m 50, he’s a couple of years younger.

I ask because this is what mine and DH’s has become and quite frankly, I’m just bored with it. The reason it has become like this is because of his recent fitness boom. He literally has no energy for anything else. It’s not like it’s because of work or anything that can’t be changed. He doesn’t see a problem but I do because I just feel part of a routine. It’s not even the amount really - it’s more that it’s not ever spontaneous.

Kids are all late teens so not tied up with being in the trenches with little ones.

I just wondered if I was asking too much.

In all seriousness though, I do understand that when sex is hard work on your side, your own interest does drop. I'm there with you on that.

What I find worrying is that he doesn't see a problem with YOU having a problem with it. It sounds as if it's become a perfunctory chore, rather than a loving sharing. Personally I immediately wondered if he's getting his needs met elsewhere, then when you talked about his working out, whether he's using anabolic steroids...If not either, then I'd be seeking some couple's counseling.

Is there any chance he might have erectile dysfunction and he likes the routine because he can then know when to take tadalafil?

I would have been very happy with that at your age but unfortunately DH got ED, caused by antidepressants, and wouldn’t do anything about it, so that was the end of my sex life.

OP, l’m a few years younger than you. No, l would not be happy with just once a week. No, l would not be content with the same old routine when it happens.

Yes, l would want to communicate my needs and tell him l need variety. This sounds like sex by checklist. Where’s the passion?

I honestly don’t think he’s doing it with anyone else. That’s not me being naive, as I know it’s never impossible, but there are no signs at all. And definitely not steroids, unless he gets them for free. We have a joint account and I know what goes in and comes out as it’s my job to check and make sure everything’s up to date. Also, he’s not big which I always assumed would be the case with steroids.

I believe once a week and 'scheduled' after 21 years is pretty normal and average. And you think it's linked to his fitness choices. Yes it's a shame it isn't as much as you would like. But imo it's a minor problem and maybe you could just live with it. At some point he won't be able to get it up without help and will need Viagra. And you will get dry down there and need HRT and creams so it isn't super painful. And you'll both be on medications in order to be able to Do It. But at least you'll be able to, not like in the olden days, so maybe you could just look on the bright side including now

Yeah, no. Like I keep saying, it’s not the frequency, it’s the routine. And you might be right about the future - I’m already on HRT as it happens - but the future isn’t now.

Reckon you just need to have a conversation and explain that sex isn't a duty. It's supposed to be fun and if it isn't fun for you and he isn't giving you what you need, you'll have to seek it elsewhere.

I'm not joking either. Tired of us setting up a society where one person is expected to be able to meet all of our needs, physical, mental, emotional. It just isn't realistic. All we have to do, is accept that there is nothing stopping us from creating a different type of society. Basically, don't judge others.

There are 8 billion people out there and you have access to only one of them to make you happy? No. Have that conversation and ask for solutions. If he doesn't want to change then that only leaves either leaving him or finding someone to hook up with. Being sexually frustrated the rest of your life is not a third option. You're still so young as well!

God that sounds hideous!

OP, you mentioned a health scare. I wonder if his diet has suddenly changed? The more vegetarian the diet the less sexual energy men have. This is science. Red meat makes men more virile but shortens the lifespan. Live fast and short, or live slow and long. We pay for everything in this life, one way or another.

Tbh I'd be delighted with it compared to my current situation. But if I was used to more/better/different, then I wouldn't be happy. Never an easy thing to discuss but I'd definitely be asking for a conversation.

What are you doing about it? Are you initiating sex when you feel like it or are you waiting for him to start?

Sometimes I do.

This is my reply to someone else who asks what happens when I initiate it:

”Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it’s me who initiates it on a Sunday too..as in it’s a now or never sort of thing. I must admit, I’m less inclined to want to because of the overall situation. And there’s hardly ever the chance of a quiet quickie when we go to bed because he’s asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. In fact, he’s often asleep before we go to bed as he’s that knackered!😩”

Similar age here and similar frequency and usually set times, due to not wanting to do it when DC are around. But my feelings are quite different. A set time is like having an affair - people meet for sex at a prearranged time - in that context it’s exciting and I decided to find it so in our context. There’s variety in what we do in that time slot, and I’m happy.

Other moments there’s random snogging etc 😀 just a few minutes here and there. And tired on the sofa we’re cuddled up together, and DH has to put up with me falling asleep then nine times out of ten, which he does with good grace and lots of love.

Occasionally we go away then it’s more.
My main point is about looking at the situation differently and seeing if that gives you something to consider.

As an aside, perhaps decide on one thing to do differently and try it for six months. We’re always changing and shifting, he won’t be the same forever and neither will you and we never know when a change is going to happen. Within that we can experiment with changing our perception when we can’t change a situation.

Yes. I would be. I am in 40s, DH in 50s, children still in primary. We are lucky if we’re managing once a month. We would both like more but opposite working hours, exhaustion, kids rarely out of the house unless with us etc all mean we barley do

Ooo, I'm not sure I can agree with you there. What about if the boot was on the other foot and OP's DH said he needed more satisfying sex and he was going to find it elsewhere. I reckon your sympathy would be with the OP.

Mines once a week at the moment and I’m so sad with it. He’s just not in the mood he says. Dunno what to do to reignite the spark. We’ve only been together 10 months.

@PhoebeBuffay1234 Thanks for your reply. I guess it's difficult for me to offer anything. We're both pensioners and sex happens 2-3 times per week. Sometimes I initiate it and sometimes my other half initiates it. We always tease each other anyway, even when we're out and that's often a pre-cursor for sex. All I can say is to try a little harder and the same goes for your DH.

Good luck 🤞

Thank you. Maybe when the kids leave home we’ll have more chances to catch him when his energy is ok but obviously that’ll be a long way off and I’m not wishing that time away. In the meantime we need to find a compromise. And I definitely won’t be seeking anything elsewhere. I value our marriage too much and love him more than anything. That’s why the situation makes me so sad. I can’t guarantee it wouldn’t ever get to a point where it wouldn’t break us but I’d never cheat.

@clearlyy that’s really sad too. I’m sorry you’re going through that, especially after such a short time. Hope you can find a solution.