Would You Be Ok With This Sex Life?

[PhoebeBuffay1234]

As the title says. Do you think you would be happy if your sex life with your spouse of 21 years consisted of it being once a week, pretty much at the same time and often the same routine? I’m 50, he’s a couple of years younger.

I ask because this is what mine and DH’s has become and quite frankly, I’m just bored with it. The reason it has become like this is because of his recent fitness boom. He literally has no energy for anything else. It’s not like it’s because of work or anything that can’t be changed. He doesn’t see a problem but I do because I just feel part of a routine. It’s not even the amount really - it’s more that it’s not ever spontaneous.

Kids are all late teens so not tied up with being in the trenches with little ones.

I just wondered if I was asking too much.

Exactly, do ye never get to do other things together - go for a meal, a drink, a swim, a walk, a movie, or just having an evening at home together (other than Sunday!). It all sounds very one dimensional and boring.

I’m 50 and I’ve been with my DP for 23 years.

I wouldn’t be happy with that kind of sex life at all. Spontaneity and variety are important to me and it sounds as if he’s not really interested in your pleasure or preferences at all.

What happens when you initiate sex?

I would be happy with the amount but op it really doesn't matter what others feel content with- what matters is what you're feeling.

You need to sit down and talk with him about it and maybe talk about ways to spice it up a little even if it's still within the routine if that's what works with your teen still at home. Would he be open to including some new toys for example. Or do you plan for a date on a Sunday and incorporate a bit more romance into the deal.

I'd be querying his mental health as well op. He's obviously recently been through a bereavement and is maybe having some health anxiety as a result so all of that would naturally affect libido. He may be relying on the exercise to help him with processing grief as that does sound like a lot. Have you talked about how he's feeling within himself?

Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it’s me who initiates it on a Sunday too..as in it’s a now or never sort of thing. I must admit, I’m less inclined to want to because of the overall situation. And there’s hardly ever the chance of a quiet quickie when we go to bed because he’s asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. In fact, he’s often asleep before we go to bed as he’s that knackered!😩

You need to work something out. You're already sounding resentful. It doesn't work long term this sex on a clock scenario, believe me I've had experience of it.
Have you tried sexting during the day to build up anticipation?

Thank you. In fairness, we do use toys from time to time and in general I’m quite happy with that side of things…it really is more about the feeling like I’m part of a routine, like a PP said, like putting the bins out or something. It’s sad because through all we’ve been through - my illnesses, we’ve both been larger and smaller - it’s never mattered - we’ve always been close and had a good sex life. And I know things can slow down for some people at our age (hence me asking for opinions) but even if it was once a week but at random times, it would be much better than this.

As for his grief, I think there’s definitely an element of him using the fitness to process it all. I don’t think he has health anxiety as such - but it’s not an impossibility of course. He’d not admit to it, I don’t think. I do often ask how he’s doing..we talk about his dad a lot in general, both just in our house with our kids and when with his family. Now and again he might break down but that seems to be less than previously and usually happens at significant times.

Yep, we sext at times. It doesn’t usually end up going anywhere! I definitely need to bring this up - I just need to find a way he’ll be receptive to it. He’s not the best talker!

I’ve already had to put up with a lot of changes due to his increased activities and I really don’t want this to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back - I value our marriage but I can’t go on feeling like I’m just as routine as the recycling!😩

I am also 50 we usually do it about once a week, but we are both happy with that, more on holiday.

Routine is crap. How do you go from zero to mad passion if it isn't spur of the moment? It has to have passion. This sounds to transactional to me. Frequency is another matter.

@PhoebeBuffay1234
I’m in a 25+year relationship and I suppose I would definitely notice a shift from our norm.
Our default is that my husband is basically always up for sex whenever I want it, which is much more frequently at some times of month and maybe once a week at slow times.
We aren’t routine people, so it’s never planned. I’d be wondering what’s the matter if he prioritised exercise over sex, and to be honest I don’t like the whole concept of there being a day assigned to sex but maybe because we’re not like that in any other aspects of our lives, let alone this aspect.

What a crock of shit you have absolutely no evidence to suggest that

Are you sure his fitness routine doesn't involve an affair.

Have you tried telling him "I want you now! “ trust me as a man there's nothing that turns me on more. Send him a message when he's on his way home, or whisper in his ear when you are in a social gathering. The" we need to sit down and talk " is a major turn off.

It sounds really boring to me.

Could you try be spontaneous with him. When/if he pushes back use that as an opportunity to say how much you miss the spontaneity and had in the past?

Research shows...women over 50 tend to need more variety. So he needs to step it up if he wants you to stay interested.

Oh that happened to me! It was so mechanical 10am every Sunday. In the end I couldn’t bear him near me. We divorced!

Yes. That’s more often than I’ve ever had in the entirety of my relationship 😂 the routine I wouldn’t mind either so long as he put in the effort when we did do it. If it’s very mechanical it’s a bit pointless.

Im not complaining though it works for me.

As sure as I can be. I have no reason to doubt him and there are no signs.

Yes. Tried that and it does work at times but I’m kind of put off trying it because he’s asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow so downed happen then. And then because Monday, Tues, Weds and Thurs nights he’s usually straight back out once he’s in from work and he wouldn’t deviate from his plan even if I did try that. Hope that makes sense - I’m very tired!

I have tried at times before and sometimes it worked. As I mentioned above, there’s just no point in trying Mon, Tues, Weds and Thurs when he gets in from work because he’s straight back out again and he won’t change his planned exercise. Then he’s too knackered after he’s back in and we’ve eaten etc.

I really fear it will get like this. I’m at the stage where I still want to do it but it’s losing its attraction so much because of this.

No, I wouldn't be happy. That's way too often. 😀

🤣

This is when we need the laugh react!