Would You Be Ok With This Sex Life?

[PhoebeBuffay1234]

As the title says. Do you think you would be happy if your sex life with your spouse of 21 years consisted of it being once a week, pretty much at the same time and often the same routine? I’m 50, he’s a couple of years younger.

I ask because this is what mine and DH’s has become and quite frankly, I’m just bored with it. The reason it has become like this is because of his recent fitness boom. He literally has no energy for anything else. It’s not like it’s because of work or anything that can’t be changed. He doesn’t see a problem but I do because I just feel part of a routine. It’s not even the amount really - it’s more that it’s not ever spontaneous.

Kids are all late teens so not tied up with being in the trenches with little ones.

I just wondered if I was asking too much.

It's not the same for everyone. It doesn't give me more energy, never has.

Mon - gym very early - team sport pm
Tues - run - sometimes early, sometimes evening
Weds - gym - very early - team sport pm (sometimes the day changes)
Thurs - run again
Fri - Gym again (very early)
Sat - Long, early run.
Sun - sex

Edited to say - outside of these times he’s utterly knackered!

Speaking for themselves is exactly what that person was doing.

Not everyone wants to have sex. And as long as two people are happy with it, that’s absolutely fine.

you must be doing it wrong

🙄 What a hideous comment.

They may have been speaking for themselves but telling me to be thankful when the point of my post is that I’m unhappy with things makes the comment pointless at best.

Yes I'd be happy with it. That's standard enough for this age I would think. Dh would love spontaneous sex but I could never, we'd end up just constantly discussing it and never actually doing anything. I have low enough libido, it takes a lot to gear myself up for a scheduled time so no way could I just do it spontaneously. I could never just be aroused suddenly like that. It disappoints DH but I really don't see how it can change

Is he overtiring himself with this much exercise? Could you take intercourse of the menu for a few weeks and focus on foreplay, flirting, cuddling? This might re-ignite your passions. Have a honest conversation with him about wanting to try something different and have some fun. Is he ok with the way things are? Is he genuinely interested in having sex?

I think he is definitely interested in having sex- I just think he doesn’t like to deviate from his routine. Like if he missed or changed his fitness activity, he’d get unsettled. It’s definitely overtiring him. I’ll keep in mind your suggestions, thank you.

This thread is depressing, so a bloke who doesn’t want as much sex as his partner is
-fucking about
-something wrong with him
-poor her
as p p a woman posting her partner was kicking off about not getting the sex they wanted, would be met with horror and told what an abusive sexual deviant he was

Actually most people are just suggesting they talk about it or that they'd be happy with it.

This. Even less would be a bonus 😂

I think it’s more the routine mundane as of it. Like it’s another box ticked off for the week. Where is the intimacy in that?

He could train a day/rest a day? Recovery is vital in exercise. Naked stretching?

Where do you get that I’m kicking off? I’m not.

I’m allowed to be unhappy with things, just as he’s allowed to be ok with things. It’s not so much about the sex really - more the fact that I have to fit in around everything else he does. What we need to find is a compromise by the sounds of it or else we won’t have sex at all. And I don’t think either of us wants that.

Edited - Oh, and it’s not a case of him not wanting it as much really - it’s a case of him only wanting it when nothing else comes first. Not really a great passion boost is it?

I think you need to stop looking for problems that aren’t there and settle yourself down.

I thought exercise raised testosterone levels in both men and women? Shouldn't he be wanting it more ?

To answer your question, no, I'd not be happy with that. I'd prefer 2-3 times a week and a bit more spontaneity. Scheduled sex sounds grim to me.

He does want sex: on the same day, at the same time and in the same way. Like going to the gym and going through his routine. Legs on Tuesday, arms on Thursday, sex on Sunday. She might as well get him a blow up doll with the amount of attention he’s paying her. She’s not a robot.

This is the thing - he just won’t. He’s always been a person who likes routine and once it’s in place, there’s no changing it. That’s the bit that makes me sad more than anything - the fact it’s just when he can fit me in.

I appreciate that he's into a "routine", but that routine wasn't imposed on him: he created it. Apart from the team sports that are presumably fixed, he is running or working out several times a week. I think I'd be raising with him that you feel devalued by this as he's prioritising running and working out over you. He'll probably then say that he's "allocating" Sunday to you. But that's not meeting your needs. So I would ask him to alter his routine so that he varies at least one of his running or workout sessions each week to surprise you with sex instead, which should count as a very good cardio workout!

Exactly OP.

What’s wrong with scheduling sex, if I everyone is busy? Isn’t this what we all did in our early relationships—scheduling a date night with your boyfriend was “scheduling sex”.

Are you sure he's not getting it somwhere else? They often are when the midlife fitness obsession kicks in.

As sure as I can be. I’ve no reason to doubt him and there are no signs that I can think of!

Thank you for this. And your support. I’ll definitely take on board the comments and see what I can come up with in order to approach it.

When on earth do you ever get to see each other if he is spending so much time doing gym or sporting activities?

Never mind the boring sex the boring full on activity schedulemust put a real damper on your relationship surely?
I can understand him wanting to look after his health but what about looking after his marriage?

Surely fitting in together time would help the marriage and the sex life. His obsession with fitness doesnt seem fair on you at all OP.

To be honest, it has affected us. It’s made worse by the fact I have health conditions which means I can’t even join him on any of the things he does. I forgot to mention in the breakdown that he also does challenges a few times a year on top of these things. One that’s a long weekend and needs training. And he also does another activity on top which is about once a month on a weekend day that means he’s out all day. And then he’s signed up for a marathon.

In the interest of fairness, we do manage a meal out or something about once a month, but the rest of the time we’re just stuck in front of the TV together. Exciting times! 😞

Not for me thanks. I don't have a high physical sex drive any more, thanks to perimenopause, but emotionally I want us to both be initiating it regularly. I have been in a sexless marriage (not by choice) and it is very important to me to have a physical relationship now.