Cliquey family on holiday

[PercyPigFan73]

We have just got home from our staycation with my in-laws,sister in law, partner,our son, niece and her partner and toddler. The in-laws,niece etc all live in one house. We live a fair few hours away so only see them twice a year,so this holiday was a big thing. Our last holiday together was around 2002.

All throughout the holiday we felt like outsiders. They always had to sit together, leaving us pearched on the far sides at dinner,in the pub etc and basically excluded us. It was so odd. When it was their child's nap time,they all disappeared to the B&B. Thought it would have been nice for partner to spend some time with his father.

We did arrive one night a bit earlier to the meal and made sure we were sat in the middle and they made the atmosphere very awkward.

My partner was hurt but doesn't like conflict.
They all live together so you'd think they would be bored of eachother and want to spend time with us all.

Would you be hurt too? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

These sound really trivial in the grand scheme of things but it's other things like not liking any of our Facebook photos. My partner also put a lovely father's day post on his page last year. Never acknowledged that either. I hope my partner doesn't do this this year and just leaves it 😞

Thanks. Maybe take some of your own advice? 👍😊

Hurtful and weird. Never spend precious holiday time with them again. Lesson learned.

Shitty thing to say and not the slightest bit helpful

I think Marie is one of the “family members”!

Op sounds totally normal and reasonable.

My in laws are similar - they live near to SIL and practically raise her kids, and as a result seem to think they are theirs/their responsibility.

We all went away a few years ago for 6 nights (all in different accommodation but nearby) and on day 1 MIL told me with an absolutely straight face how she’d come to a great agreement with SIL and BIL, where SIL&BIL would “babysit” their own kids for 3/6 nights, and PILs were going to do the other 3 nights, so that each couple could have 3 nights out each. It obviously hadnt even crossed her mind that DH and I might appreciate a night out together, especially as she looks after SIL and BILs kids 1-2 nights per week year round, whereas DH and I have no family nearby and so date nights are very few and far between. I was just like “what a great plan, sounds lovely”.

Also the 2 times SIL has “come to visit us”, PILs have come too, again because SIL&BIL can’t manage their (2 compliant) girls themselves. One time we booked lunch in a restaurant, and when we arrived PILs and SIL and BIL just didn’t order any food but didn’t say why (their kids did eat). After we’d eaten they announced they were going to eat somewhere else that they’d liked the look of, and went off leaving DH and I with their kids. I despair.

It is quite common in families.

Could/would you be able to spend time with the niece also being excluded?

we have a family member who spends a fair bit of time with us because of a similar dynamic in their loser family unit (doesn’t get w look in because of their sibling).

We have this too with in laws, very hurtful. We stopped those holidays as our DC (their GC) were treated so differently from the golden child’s DC.
If you’re interested in the likely psychology of it / look up enmeshed families, golden child’s/scape goat & narcissist (&covert narcissism) family dynamics. I found it sort of validating and reassuring to know what was behind it even tho its sad, hurtful & no easy answers as they don’t see their own behaviour.
It’s far worse when you see how it impacts your own children, so boundaries & making your own life without expecting much from them before any DC could help avoid that pain.

Niece is extremely close to my sis in law. Unhealthily so. They're in the same house and niece hasn't been able to be a proper parent as she's never been able to. It's very unhealthy and sad really.
Tried to have a conversation with niece over dinner one time on holiday and sister in law kept trying to interrupt (niece was sat in the middle),and she seemed to get really annoyed that she couldn't hear what we were talking about. Looking at it,I feel this situation is all her doing 😞

I was meaning the other niece where you said “another niece mentioned feeling pushed out”

Oh yes sorry. They fall out and have disagreements all the time and she has her own issues. I've not seen her in a while now but I heard this from my sister in law that other pushed out niece wanted to have some one on one time with sister in law,but she was always busy with other niece her child.🙄

Why the actual FUCK did you say that was a great plan and that it sounds lovely?!?! That’s just implying you’re absolutely fine with it and don’t want their help?!

Because they are so far beyond normality there is literally no point. My MIL was telling me this great arrangement they’d worked out as if I’d be so pleased for her. Obviously she knew that that meant DH and I would get zero nights out. She doesn’t GAF.

When I’ve raised anything previously (eg when I mentioned that it was a shame they had no pics of our kids up on their walls vs loads of other dgc) I’ve been accused of being petty and jealous, so I leave it all to DH now. Ultimately I do want the kids to have a.relationship with their grandparents so I accept how they are with rock bottom expectations now.

They sound toxic too 😞

Some families are like that. My brother married into a family like this. It is so unnatural and unhealthy, especially for any children entering the picture, as they become closed off to others, and don't know how to interact with other families.

You've got the nail on the head there. They are in their own little bubble and forget how to act when its a different situation IE a holiday 😞

@PercyPigFan73
Dont bother to go with them on holiday ever again, you've had enough experience to know how it'll always be
Weird is not the word
Throw in throw in herd mentality selfishness as well!

We've already decided it'll be the last with them.

Thanks for the update have a nice summer.

Thank you so much. You too 😀

Very fed up. Nephew and niece's partner posting how father in law is a great father figure to them yet he's hardly been a great father figure to my partner. Didn't even ring him when he was going through difficulties mentally. Makes me want to vomit how they're painting him this way 🤢 Didn't even acknowledge partner's father's day message 😞

Well, surely that just reflects the dynamic and evident closeness between that part of the family that you've posted about? They're saying he's a great father figure to them, not to your partner. He may well be a great father figure to them. You said up the thread that you only see them twice a year. Does your partner even want to see them more and to have a closer relationship with his father?

And wouldn't you be better off staying away from their social media, as well as resolving not to go on holiday with them again?

Partner would like to see them more of course. Even though we live a good few hours away,he will try and arrange some dates. Because they all live together,it's hard for them to confirm dates because 1 might be busy etc. it's a nightmare and seems to be getting worse 😔