Cliquey family on holiday

[PercyPigFan73]

We have just got home from our staycation with my in-laws,sister in law, partner,our son, niece and her partner and toddler. The in-laws,niece etc all live in one house. We live a fair few hours away so only see them twice a year,so this holiday was a big thing. Our last holiday together was around 2002.

All throughout the holiday we felt like outsiders. They always had to sit together, leaving us pearched on the far sides at dinner,in the pub etc and basically excluded us. It was so odd. When it was their child's nap time,they all disappeared to the B&B. Thought it would have been nice for partner to spend some time with his father.

We did arrive one night a bit earlier to the meal and made sure we were sat in the middle and they made the atmosphere very awkward.

My partner was hurt but doesn't like conflict.
They all live together so you'd think they would be bored of eachother and want to spend time with us all.

Would you be hurt too? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

And if the subject comes up, tell them that you’re not considering going on holiday again because you felt unwanted.

nothing ventured, nothing gained. Be clear and honest with them.

the B&B thing for kids naps is bizarre. Tell them this.

Thank you for the laugh. You're not far off I feel.

Happened to me years ago with 2 SILs and their partners/ kids. We went away with them 2 years in a row when my eldest was a baby. They went regulary every year and we didn't go with until we had kids.

Left out of stuff, not invited to days out, plans changing and telling us last minute making it difficult to join.

I thought I was just being sensitive the first year as a new mother and all that, but after the 2nd year I said never again.

I just dropped the rope and we do our own thing.

Now my siblings have kids we do loads of trips together and have a great time.

Barely see the in-laws any more. #noloss

Really? You thought that was funny. It’s one of the most offensive insults which can be used as it relates to how learning disabled children travelling on school transport were descibed.

Sincere apologies. I didn't know that.
I will not use the term again.

The OP clearly had more sense than to do that.

My own experience suggests that there’d be a complete and mystified denial and / or a “I’m sorry you see it that way”. It would be a completely pointless exercise.

I didn't know it meant that either. I sincerely apologise 😔

This sounds like my inlaws when we went on holiday with them 5 years ago. My children felt so loved by their older cousins and uncle and aunt.

Well, if you only see them twice a year, surely you're already 'limiting contact'? Whose idea was the joint holiday?

Exactly. I think people are delusional if they think doing this will result in the offending party saying “oh crikey yes you are right is not thought of it like that before I’m sorry I’ll be more normal in future”.

I have the total lack of interest from my parents and I don’t have any siblings. That’s a stinger!!

There was a similar thread recently about a family birthday lunch, the ones that live by each other sat together and the ones far away excluded.

Really? I’d rather tell someone about why their behaviour was causing issues for me than pretend it didn’t happen.

I also prefer that someone speaks plainly to me so that I have a chance to consider how I might want to change something.

In my experience, most people are receptive to some extent and even if initially in denial, over time, they might come to appreciate your perspective.

However, if you don’t raise it with them, how will they ever know?

We have similar on holidays with the extended family, tbh feels like we’re invited because parents would feel bad if they didn’t, but really they’re only interested in DB and his children. We laugh about it now (our children are a lot older) but it has been incredibly hurtful previously.

Sounds more common than I realised 😞

We had very much the same weirdness with our ‘family’. Overall, the problem was that we were caring, thoughtful people and they were not.

We gave up trying after quite a few years of appalling treatment. At that point they started to record every issue they could use against us. We got many silly emails, some were pages long…

They were geographically close to my widowed mother unfortunately. We were 3 hours’ drive away, but still visited her 2 or 3 times a year. It got worse and worse over the years. They just seemed to enjoy the unpleasantness.

They stole from my mother when she was alive, and also after she passed, deliberately obstructing any assistance from us. BIL and SIL very Christian, church every Sunday. Both ex police, he with a theft conviction. Lovely extended family… <weeping emoji>

I have every sympathy for others here suffering in a similar way.

I'm sorry you've been going through the same thing.
Your second part of your post worries me. This is the same situation I have with my mum.
She lives 5 mins away from my NC brother and I wouldn't put him doing the same with my mum. We are 6 hours away from her 😞

Yes, @PercyPigFan73 I feel this sort of thing is far more common than people realise. Our problems are pretty much over now, but I've met a lot of people still trying to cope with awkward family members.

I view it as abuse. Plain and simple.

For them. The holiday was already ruined for you, wasn’t it?

Good point 😞

I have family members with multiple generations living together and they wouldn’t dream of acting like this. They embrace anyone/everyone into their lives.

Good to see I wasn’t being unreasonable when I thought my DPs ex wife and family are odd, his DC are now 15/20, every holiday; including long haul has been Grandparents, sisters, brother , partners, all kids, group of 15 schlepping everywhere together , I call them the cult.
Don't think any ever go anywhere individually , even a wee trip to Blackpool; they all
go.

This is one of the reasons why I’d never consider going on holiday with extended family. It sounds awful.

It never used to be like that but that was over 20 years ago... They've really changed.

Can’t imagine anything worse. Not surprised it didn’t go well…