How have others coped with long-term rejection by a parent?

[Purpleflutterby]

Has anyone been rejected by a parent.where they just cut you off .
Had nothing more to do with you , refused to acknowledge grandchildren,and kept it up for 30 years or some other amount of time
It wasn't your choice and they refused your numerous efforts to reach out .

And are you living a normal life ,?
how did it effect you .?
Is it to be expected a person would have mental health problems from being rejected by a parent?
If you were able to move on ,not let it effect you and have no mental health problems..how did you do that ?

I don't have any siblings I'm an only child
Both sides had step children,but I didn't live with either side long enough in one block to make lasting relationships

Hi OP.

I am sorry to read of your situation. It must really hurt. Through no fault of your own, you are not fitting in either side, and your parents aren't helping are they.

I have a similar story, but I did the estranging myself.

Divorced parents, messy and lots of arguing. We were young. Mother moved us a long way away and while dad paid for everything, we barely saw him. Mother was depressed and abused us all.

My sister and I are now in our 50s. In order for me to heal, I got stuck into therapy and self help books and finally got some language for it all.

My dad used to say, 'if I could do my time again kid, I wouldn't have children this time, no way.'

That led me to understand that he didn't love us and didn't really want to bother. I cut him off when I was about 30 I think, I'm now 51. During that time, I just got stronger. You ask how you can avoid MH problems, well, don't bury it. Let it out into the light of day, like a festering wound that needs fresh air to heal. The years WILL heal it, if you talk about it and cry and 'feel it.'

I can tell you now that my dad is 84 and we have been back in touch for about five years, over text. I don't bother much because he doesn't really like to text. He will never ask about myself or my family, only text about himself, one word answers and frequently a bit rude.

But the difference? It no longer hurts me. Because I felt the pain of that being true many years ago, I have been through it so many times and come to terms with it.

So my answer to you is just that - come to terms with it, with the whole loss and truth of it, such that you can talk about it without crying. And bolster your own life, your close relationships. You can live without a family, you can make your own, and you can have really close friends. Not everyone gets a family. Yes it is hurtful but you can manage without. And you will get to a point where it doesn't hurt anymore.

Because it was DF who was nice to visit with actually much calmer than DM over the years at times.

I want my DC to know their extended family.

I went through periods including years of not contacting him then would do one or two per year.

The pattern of contact probably reflects my conflict about him - he was a nice man in many ways.

No she
didn't
I'm now POA for her ..she's my full responsibility,as she cut everyone else of .
She's in a rest home ,I have to buy everything she needs and make all decisions for her .
Including having moved her 3 times each time things went wrong in each rest home

Thankyou for sharing your story and your kind words.im glad you have healed and you don't let it hurt you .
So you had 20 years of no contact,where you got stronger and then able to allow him back in your life on your terms
That must of helped mentally,the fact you were in control

They are adults now my DC
My eldest is 28
And she met her 4 times
I didn't keep the DC away from her ,I tried to visit her lots
But she was always busy
I didn't realise it was abuse untill I started having counselling last year

Hi, I suppose so. But I think really it was that I didn't care the way I used to. That's the real difference. The holes in my life were filled.

If the parent has an ounce of emotional maturity they may feel hurt but they would not articulate this. We are pulled towards our parents, that’s why we take so much crap before cutting them off.

I have a very disinterested mother, I found something she said very hurtful a few years ago and told her so. She operates in shame so rather than discuss or think Kursus I’ve never seen her so upset she gave me the silent treatment. I reached out and was the peacemaker like I’d been groomed to be however I’ve done a lot of “work” since then so if it had happened now I’d have left her to it and I think she’d probably never have contacted me again. Opportunity missed there sadly.

we are like two strangers chatting g in a bus when we do (arranged by me) meet up. It’s bonkers when I think how enmeshed we were. My world revolved around making her happy, the minute I deviated from that she dropped me like a stone.

Yes ..you are right

Dm cut me off for 18 months, she created a version where it was all my fault. It was extremely hard. She used manipulation in a lot of it and it bought up a lot of buried things for me. She has her own version of our life, her responsibility and it is so very far removed from mine. It is almost a roses around the door ideal where she leaves out all the awful bits. I thought I had reconciled my childhood until this point but I really had not. It was only when I set boundaries that it went tits up but I needed to put them in, I could no longer be a version of me that she would accept, the helpful one, one who had no problems, was never ill or sad. We talk now but I will forever be on eggshells waiting for the moment i am not what she wants and it goes wrong again. I have found a peace in this and this superficial relationship is ok. I would not say this in real life but it will release a huge burden when she dies. I will never understand why I am not good enough for her.

I do think taking control of your place in the situation really helps. Also not taking responsibility for other people’s flaws and failings. Accepting that it is quite common for family members to be deeply problematic so you don’t personalise the situation as saying something about your identity. Not taking responsibility for fixing the situation. Allowing people who are damaging for you to not be part of your life.

There are so any parts to this. We have expectations almost bred into us about roles people should play in our lives, if not biologically then culturally. Understanding that for various reasons people cannot fulfill those roles and letting go of how people “should” be and accepting how they are and how we should respond differently to that are all parts of healing, but the biggest part from my experience is grieving all of that. Really allowing that it is ok that you are not ok with being put in this position.

People have all sorts of naïve ideas about how grief should be handled but grief is messy and complex.

I hope so .I'd like to think so.
I do worry that I frequently get it wrong , having not had a normal relationship with my own parents,to see how things are done .
I do automatically assume any issue is always my fault .
If I have ever caused an upset ,I do apologise and I try not to be demanding with their time ,or push myself into their lives where they may want space.
It was actually a lot easier when they were children,I seemed to know automatically what to do as a mum
I do struggle a bit having an adult relationship with my adult DC ..as I have never experienced that with my parents.
So I hope I'm getting some of it right

Well thanks for that I feel great now

As this came back to my active, I’ll add that I saw my dad in a supermarket last night and he looked straight through me.

Why would I want you to?

Good question, why would you want to?