How have others coped with long-term rejection by a parent?

[Purpleflutterby]

Has anyone been rejected by a parent.where they just cut you off .
Had nothing more to do with you , refused to acknowledge grandchildren,and kept it up for 30 years or some other amount of time
It wasn't your choice and they refused your numerous efforts to reach out .

And are you living a normal life ,?
how did it effect you .?
Is it to be expected a person would have mental health problems from being rejected by a parent?
If you were able to move on ,not let it effect you and have no mental health problems..how did you do that ?

It’s happened to me - as a parent myself I have no idea how anyone can do this to their child/children. My mum has mental health issues stemming from her own childhood. I Suspect she was sexually abused by her dad/step dad, uncles and brothers and led to life long issues that resulted in her behaviour in later life. I was cut off for suggesting she get help for her MH issues. She was horrible and I just gave up as I knew she could beat a grudge for a very long time. I feel happier knowing I won’t get late night abusive drunken calls, but I can’t believe any parent could go this to their child. Ive had counselling to help process this but I won’t get over it. All I can do is parent my children the best I can knowing I will never ever do this to them. It’s very hurtful but that is the type of person she is. She fell
out with every one of her own family, including her isn mum, and didn’t bother going to get funeral. There is no point me pursuing a lost cause only to be rejected again. So sorry you are experiencing this. It’s truly awful.

@Noideawhattodono I'm sorry this has happened to you to ..your right I can't understand it either , especially after having children myself,it makes me understand it even less .
Seeing grandparents at the school gates collecting grandchildren was always a bit of a trigger for me .
Never meeting their own grandchildren..
Sometimes I think it was for the best ,as if someone can do that ,they can do anything and cause all kinds of pain ..so maybe it was a kindness in a roundabout way

Well my mum refuses to dump her partner who has been criminally convicted for beating her up and abused us for years, so as good as, yes. She’s made her decision perfectly clear.

I cope by distracting myself with work, my children, DH and friends. Yes maybe it’ll ’catch up with me’ eventually but there’s been a few mini breakdowns along the way so hopefully it’s out, and if it isn’t, at least I didn’t waste my life worrying about it.

@Twisterlollies sorry to hear that .. must be difficult for you

I think it made me hard in relationships- like ‘I don’t care just end it’ and carry on. - like I expected to be let down and taught myself not to care and move on.

My father died a month ago - we found out a week later when his friend told my cousin - no one knew he had two grown up children.

Its a total head fuck - he became a citizen of another EU country and the inheritance laws are insane - it’s going to cost me over £200 just to legally declare I don’t want any of his things or —none existent— money - I have to do it for myself and my kids and my sibling has to as well. It been an absolute shit show and I’m so angry with him.

I didn’t expect the grief though. - that’s been awful

My parents disowned me for my career choice. Ultimately, I was the one who ended contact, but only because they wouldn’t accept it - to the point if they saw me during the work day, they would act like they couldn’t see me.
My mum died still not speaking to me - the person the original fallout was with - but the entire family still act like I don’t exist. I’ve passed my dad in the street and been ignored.
The things they say stick with you, no matter how much you try to pretend otherwise. When the people who are meant to love you unconditionally don’t, you just spent your life thinking they are right.

To add he buggered off when we were 2&4 - he saw me 4 times between 4 and 30. He did meet his grandchildren and was Facebook friends with us for the past few years.

He left us with debt and an unpaid mortgage when he left and he hasn’t changed. I’m 56 and I don’t know him

It’s 100% not kindness. It’s twisted evilness to exert control and authority even after they have gone no-contact. She did the same with my sister before she fell out with me. Told me she would slap her if she ever saw her and that she would have to come to my mum
on bended knees begging for forgiveness before she round even think about it. I knew I would be on the receiving end of this at some point. It was a relief when it happened.to look at her she is a little sweet, innocent, ill
old lady who peddles the whole my daughters don’t want to know me routine. Inside she is pure evil. How can you fall out with your entire family and you not be at fault. She’ll never get it and will die alone and unhappy, still thinking she was in the right all along.

Did they cut you off overnight? No warning? No hint of an issue?

I would be relieved that I hadn’t had this person in my children’s lives

My Dad left when I was 3 months old without a backward glance. Went on to have another child with the other Woman. I can’t say it didn’t have an effect on my relationships with Men in my 20s, in hindsight. I accepted all kinds of appalling treatment because obviously I didn’t consider myself worthy of more, and probably partly because I’d seen my Mum accept appalling treatment from Men through my childhood too. Vicious circle.

We did meet a few times when I was late teens but ultimately I decided he didn’t bring anything positive to my life and cut contact. Have only seen him once since at a family wedding (my half brother, who I’m grateful to have met and built a good relationship with) and I blanked him.

He’s got wind through family that I now have a son and has sent messages through them ‘tell him Grandad loves him’. I will never, he doesn’t get that right. He’ll never lay eyes on him while there’s breath in my body and my half brother supports that. Having DS has only made me MORE appalled and angry that he could walk out like that, and then deny both of us the sibling relationship we could have had as children.

To add regards coping, I think it helped when I got to be the one to cut contact in my teens. It made it my decision, ownership of it, not his.

Df and his dw won Big Money. Such was her desire for me to never get a penny she made df choose..
He chose her...
His loss. He has never met most of my dc.. Which is a bigger loss than he could ever imagine.. I hope whenever he spends that money it came at a cost...

are you close to your mum?

My MIL disowned us for awhile because I gently suggested that perhaps she shouldn't interfere with SIL bridesmaids plans . It wasn't as if she was paying anything towards it either . So told by phone later that night by phone that we were not to talk to her anymore. I was astonished as never experienced this kind of behaviour before . I don't know why but it really bothered me . I think if I told anyone my MIL or indeed any relative had refused to have anything to do with me that it meant something was wrong with me . We did go on to have a civil relationship but I never forgot this and certainly didn't mourn her when she died .

What did your husband do?

Sorry to hear so many of you have had similar situations
I hope your all doing ok x

I wonder if it's a certain type of person,who is capable of cutting another ,off .
And I wonder what motivates the rest of the family to follow like sheep and also cut that person of .
Maybe they are afraid of being on the receiving end of it themselves
Or they just go along with who ever has the bigger personality,

Well presumably some will have a very good reason for doing so

@Youtookyourtime ..do you have experience of what we were talking about ?
Have you been cut of by a parent...or are you the one doing the cutting of ,as you just said in the above message,that some people will have good reason to .

It’s been 5 years for me, I think most people who have the sort of relationship that you’re describing with their mum are affected by it In a negative way. If I really sit down and think it it gets to me.. mainly guilt that my children don’t get grandparents but I try not to dwell on it. I feel pleased to have (fingers crossed) given my children a much better/stable/loving life than I had.

I have never cut anyone off
no one has ever cut me off

however I have seen threads where 100% cutting someone off was the right thing

did your Mother cut you off overnight? Do you still have a relationship with your father ? Do you have siblings?

That's good I'm glad you haven't experienced any of the hurt and upset we are talking about on this thread

But you do now see that for some people they will have very good reason for cutting someone out if their lives

It's ten years next month. They live in New Zealand now and on their last visit to the UK their behaviour was awful - not talking to one another, silent treatment to the rest of the house etc. I called them out and they stormed out.

They were/are both difficult people and I'm still struggling with my childhood and their behaviour. But it was affecting my kids so to be honest we are all better off.

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering similarly. To mark the tenth anniversary, I've bought myself a little silver key on a chain to symbolise how their abandonment of the parent/child relationship was in fact the beginning of my freedom. I have my own happy family - they are to be pitied really. What you really miss is having a functional family of origin, not them themselves.