How do I decline meeting up with a difficult old friend?

[CarmellaSopranosKitchen]

So, there were 4 of us at my last job who were friends and kept up (approx 10 years ago). A is a good friend and lives reasonably near me so I see her every month - good fun and reliable. B sadly is no longer with us, and C who me and A see maybe twice a year. It's a lunch, catch up and we do something like a visit to a pretty town, or a visit to a specific attraction around our interests.

Last year C turned up nearly 2 hours late - I'd rushed to get there and they did not update us. They did have a reason to run late (workman at house) but still annoying as we just waited and waited (she did not respond to texts except 'on my way'). This was annoying as there was other things we could have done whilst we waited. Then she absoutely monologued for the long lunch. It was awful. Everytime I tried to say something she talked over me. She asked zero questions. And similiar, but not quite as bad to our other friend. We both noticed and friend A said we should have not invited her. I really tried to participate as I wanted to ask them about ideas for a holiday location I knew they'd been to. There simply was 'no air time' left. And I'm not a shrinking violet.

Then we went to do the trip and they were very dominating about time spent at each aspect. I had crashed my car a while back and they were really dimissive (it was mentioned by other friend who asked about it), and I left a bit early as I was totally fedup.
When I got home I swore I was never spending a day of leave with her again, and my other friend also agreed it was grim because she dominated.

Now I have had a message from C saying: let's meet up again. I don't want to. It's been 8 months. But what do I do? She's already said - I'll fit dates around you. She's persistent. Do I tell her her behaviour was so rude and I had a rubbish time. Or do I ignore the message. I don't want to be mean and unkind. but I have no interest in going at all. My other friend A and I see each other anyway, but I know she will cave in because she's kinder than me. I won;t go, but how do I deal with it.

I don't want to be cruel to C - and I imagine she doesn't have many friends because shes sharp and selfish. I have no interest in continung the friendship. We still might see each other in work circles. How would you respond?

I would just say, l have a lot on atm and will get back to you when l can, but it may be a while and don't get back to her.
If she keeps on messaging you, block her.

Very similar here. Minus the 60’s celebrity stuff. I just can’t throw her off. Fading out isn’t working. If people never ever ask you about yourself so you don’t have a two-way conversation, it’s just too negative to continue….

I'd just stop replying to her.

I’d meet up again but this time take absolutely zero shit.

She’s late? Tough shit you ordered, ate and paid- she can grab a sandwich on the way to your next activity.

She texts a vague “on the way” you say we need your eta.

She’s dominating the conversation- you change the topic and talk over her until she stop.

She starts going on again say “we’ve heard enough about you Sheila we have news too…”

You have nothing to lose. Be direct. see what happened. If you cba after that then fair. But I think people deserve some directness before being dumped.

On the basis that you have no interest in continuing the friendship then I would just say you are very busy and don't have time to meet.

I'm not sure why you put all the level of detail in your post. You're not obliged to stay friends with someone if you feel the friendship has run its course which IMO often happens at a certain point with people you used to work with. You don't need a reason.

F

I would probably say something non committal like I've got a lot on at the moment, I'll get back to you.

Hopefully she would leave it but if she pushed, I would tell her the truth.

I would say: 'Last time we met, you were two hours late, then monologued for hours and did not even ask how I was. I don't really feel like repeating the experience.' Just as simple as that. I once had a friend who monologued, I told her directly, to her face. She was appalled... some people think they are the centre of the world. They must be told they are not.

Also a question for any psychologists - why do some people do this: talk at you almost deliberately not givining you any air space - almost like they are afraid to find out about your life or give you any air space. There must be some reason - especially when its a long meet up? It's not just like it was a 30 min coffee?

^ you don’t have to be a psychologist to answer this. She likely isn’t intentionally doing it nor does she likely realise she caused grave offence. She sounds like she had an absent minded day, being late etc, totally engrossed in her own situation, your life updates weren’t a priority for her in that moment etc.

You've tested Covid + - it's still around!

I have a good old friend like this, she's exhausting - talks on the phone for two hours when she calls - but I do like to see her occasionally. I usually invent an excuse not to see her but do agree every six months or so.

Thanks for all of these. Useful. Some seem a bit harder work. I just feel that my time off is precious. I'm not going to agree to go because frankly if she had zero interest in my life last time - then what's likely to have changed. She isn't someone I see more than twice or so a year.
I did think there might be some pyschological reason why some people don;t give you air space to tell your news - but apparently nobody else thought so.

You sound very wounded and huffy over a single incident where you should just have gone ahead with lunch and enjoyed your time with the other friend, rather than getting wound up because the latecomer wasn't interested in your life!

I mean, tell your news if you have any. Don't, in general, wait for an invitation and everyone present to go silent and turn to you with faces of absorbed interest.

Fair enough. I'm off work today recovering from a wisedom tooth extraction so current mood is probably terse.
yes re lunch, but again it wasn't obvious she was going to be so late. We waited 20 mins then she was 'on her way' we expected her soonish. Of course, had any one said I'm going to be two hours late of course, we'd have got lunch without her.
Hard to enjoy being with a friend when it's like - that but I get your point.
I'm feeling concerned about responding to invite - not wanting to agree - but wanting not to be cruel.

Now I have had a message from C saying: let's meet up again.

Hello C. Let's not.

Well, if you've just had a wisdom tooth out, I'm surprised you haven't murdered everyone in the vicinity! You are exercising remarkable restraint.

Why not simply say that, that you're recovering from a nasty dental procedure, and in pain and feeling horrible, so you're not up for making any plans at the moment?

My friend is quite old and lives alone for much of the time. I think she just needs to talk, not about anything in particular. If I didn’t actually talk over her occasionally I don’t think I’d be able to get a word in!

I’d just reply saying you’ve got a lot on at the moment and then never get back in touch

"I'm sorry (or not!) but I can't,/don't want to meet up at the moment as I don't have the capacity" ?

Oh god save us from monologuers. Just why?! They are terrible. We have one in our wider friendship group. We’ve set up a group without her on it. Still see her and invite her to some things but if she is there we all sit there in silence as the “audience” as she witters on. On permanent transmit. You can’t stop her believe me I’ve tried.

You can’t participate or catch up with anyone else if she is there. She came to a meet up then had to leave early as soon as she was gone the four of us could have a proper conversation listening to each other. Impossible with her there. Honestly if you do this yourself lurkers please stop!!!