How do I decline meeting up with a difficult old friend?

[CarmellaSopranosKitchen]

So, there were 4 of us at my last job who were friends and kept up (approx 10 years ago). A is a good friend and lives reasonably near me so I see her every month - good fun and reliable. B sadly is no longer with us, and C who me and A see maybe twice a year. It's a lunch, catch up and we do something like a visit to a pretty town, or a visit to a specific attraction around our interests.

Last year C turned up nearly 2 hours late - I'd rushed to get there and they did not update us. They did have a reason to run late (workman at house) but still annoying as we just waited and waited (she did not respond to texts except 'on my way'). This was annoying as there was other things we could have done whilst we waited. Then she absoutely monologued for the long lunch. It was awful. Everytime I tried to say something she talked over me. She asked zero questions. And similiar, but not quite as bad to our other friend. We both noticed and friend A said we should have not invited her. I really tried to participate as I wanted to ask them about ideas for a holiday location I knew they'd been to. There simply was 'no air time' left. And I'm not a shrinking violet.

Then we went to do the trip and they were very dominating about time spent at each aspect. I had crashed my car a while back and they were really dimissive (it was mentioned by other friend who asked about it), and I left a bit early as I was totally fedup.
When I got home I swore I was never spending a day of leave with her again, and my other friend also agreed it was grim because she dominated.

Now I have had a message from C saying: let's meet up again. I don't want to. It's been 8 months. But what do I do? She's already said - I'll fit dates around you. She's persistent. Do I tell her her behaviour was so rude and I had a rubbish time. Or do I ignore the message. I don't want to be mean and unkind. but I have no interest in going at all. My other friend A and I see each other anyway, but I know she will cave in because she's kinder than me. I won;t go, but how do I deal with it.

I don't want to be cruel to C - and I imagine she doesn't have many friends because shes sharp and selfish. I have no interest in continung the friendship. We still might see each other in work circles. How would you respond?

I would be very British about this and leave it a while before replying then say yes sure, I'll send you some dates and then I'd never send the dates.

So many examples on here would point to the person having a degree of Autism (based on the behaviour of some adults in my family so I do have some insight.)

It saddens me so much that SEN kids nowadays get so much recognition and support yet once they're grown up and make workplace friends people seem to want to drop them like hot potatoes and fade them away. No wonder so many adults with mild autism are extremely lonely with no friends.

My life isn't that busy that I can't put aside a few hours once a year to meet up with an old colleague who will dominate the conversation but ultimately they aren't a bad person. At least I can eat my nice dinner whilst it's hot.

Not every incidence of poor behaviour is down to autism.....

My thoughts on the OP's situation is, isnt there a middle ground? As in set boundaries such as say to her that you wont accept being kept waiting like last time as your time is important too. And then perhaps go and try it again as maybe she was was overwhelmed and embarrassed by being so late and it came out as a monologue!

This!

Is that usual for her though? I know that when I am having a crisis I can tend to talk to much about my crisis, but usually I am different- supportive, mainly listens, etc. If her behaviour then was a one-off and she is usually not like that I'd be tempted to give it agnother chance, but - honestly- only if you really want to. We all have lives and stresses and can't be 'on' or at our very best every single moment of the day.

If that's usually how she is, then a gentle fade out is fair enough.

Personally I think it’s kinder to just quietly ghost/be vague and phase someone out rather than tell them bluntly. I’ve had it done to me and I’ve done it to others and I find a blunt rejection quite upsetting. Everyone is different though.

Me personally I wouldn’t bother meeting up. I’d say, sorry can’t plan anything as I have alot going on right now. Ignore future messages and go out with friends you do like.

But why were you and the other friend such terrible wet lettuces last time? Surely you just go ahead and have lunch? Or phone her and ask her for an ETA because the restaurant needs the table back?

Just ignore her message

you'd not find me waiting around for two hours

She sounds like a rude bore. I’d reply and say ‘No can do for now - too much life stuff going on’ then ignore any further contact.

I think I’d be vague and not follow up

She sounds very challenging.

I also know it’s hard to be honest.

However it’s not kind to ghost her or be evasive. I think you need to need to be honest with her about the fact you’ve found the last couple of meetings hard and as a consequence you feel cautious about meeting up again. You don’t have to assassinate her character in the process - you could say something along the lines of it didn’t feel like she was in a good place and you didn’t feel like your needs were taken into consideration maybe?

Was this the only bad experience I'm 10 years?
I'd cut her some slack if it was and agree to meet. Maybe she was feeling really anxious that day, maybe something else happened to lead to the lateness and her constant monologue was a way to avoid any questions that may lead to what actually happened.

I was in a similar situation and eventually we had an evening like @Shittyyear2025 described - I just walked out and told her I wouldn't be seeing her again. It was a bit stressful at the time, but much nicer now. I just see my A alone and have a lovely time.

I always say stuff like sorry I have a lot going on, do you mind if we leave it a little while?

I see a lot of comments like this in similar threads, but as OP said, it’s not like she airily declared “Oh, I’ll be hours yet” and they just meekly waited. It was an “on my way” situation at first; they had no reason to think otherwise.

Would I personally have given up and left sooner than OP and her friend? Probably. But there’s no point in responding to OP like she knew how long the wait would be when she blatantly didn’t.

I'd just say can't at the moment due to busy or no leave. Don't promise anything further. I'd give it a month then block her. If she gets pushy immediately I'd be okay to be more blunt.

Just say lifes hectic atm and you sadly just don't have the time to meet up.
Tel her you'll let her know when things calm down and you are free.
Polite and vague.

Just say ‘Nice to hear from you. Not popping anything in the diary at the moment, we’ve got the builders in on a large project. Hope you’re good’. If she texts back ignore it.

When I wanted to phase somebody out I just said let me get back to you and never did. Just keep saying I’ll let you know and eventually they’ll disappear

I think saying you have a lot on and can’t book anything in for now but you’ll get back to her is a good one. As she didn’t ask any questions, she hasn’t got a clue if it’s true or not. I wouldn’t personally call her out on her behaviour unless I was definitely never going to see her again (but you said you might do in work circles) or I was prepared to give her another chance if she apologised and said she’ll do better

I can’t be arsed with people like that. I’d just ghost her

Has she ever turned up 2 hours late before?
Does she always monologue like this? If yes, why have you put up with it for so long? If not maybe she was genuinely just having a nightmare with builders and needed to let off steam?

If you’ve already decided you don’t ever want to see her again then just say you’re booked up for the next few months. Leave me out of this one. Then your other friend can put up with her

Be firm OP, say no but do not give a reason as no is a closed answer and can be harder for C to wriggle out of..

She is a fool and you and your other friend A would likely have more fun without her anyway.

Her behaviour was wayyyyyy too horrendous last time its best to just let her go