How do I decline meeting up with a difficult old friend?

[CarmellaSopranosKitchen]

So, there were 4 of us at my last job who were friends and kept up (approx 10 years ago). A is a good friend and lives reasonably near me so I see her every month - good fun and reliable. B sadly is no longer with us, and C who me and A see maybe twice a year. It's a lunch, catch up and we do something like a visit to a pretty town, or a visit to a specific attraction around our interests.

Last year C turned up nearly 2 hours late - I'd rushed to get there and they did not update us. They did have a reason to run late (workman at house) but still annoying as we just waited and waited (she did not respond to texts except 'on my way'). This was annoying as there was other things we could have done whilst we waited. Then she absoutely monologued for the long lunch. It was awful. Everytime I tried to say something she talked over me. She asked zero questions. And similiar, but not quite as bad to our other friend. We both noticed and friend A said we should have not invited her. I really tried to participate as I wanted to ask them about ideas for a holiday location I knew they'd been to. There simply was 'no air time' left. And I'm not a shrinking violet.

Then we went to do the trip and they were very dominating about time spent at each aspect. I had crashed my car a while back and they were really dimissive (it was mentioned by other friend who asked about it), and I left a bit early as I was totally fedup.
When I got home I swore I was never spending a day of leave with her again, and my other friend also agreed it was grim because she dominated.

Now I have had a message from C saying: let's meet up again. I don't want to. It's been 8 months. But what do I do? She's already said - I'll fit dates around you. She's persistent. Do I tell her her behaviour was so rude and I had a rubbish time. Or do I ignore the message. I don't want to be mean and unkind. but I have no interest in going at all. My other friend A and I see each other anyway, but I know she will cave in because she's kinder than me. I won;t go, but how do I deal with it.

I don't want to be cruel to C - and I imagine she doesn't have many friends because shes sharp and selfish. I have no interest in continung the friendship. We still might see each other in work circles. How would you respond?

Just be vague and evasive.

"Sounds good but I've got some stuff coming up that I need to pin down first before I can set a date."

Let the mutual friend know you don't want to do it and are actively avoiding being pinned down. She can then make her own decisions on what to do.

I'd be tempted to schedule something with both of them but if C starts up again absolutely call her on it and leave!

She doesn't get to be 2 hours late with no explanation or apologies - you crack on with your plans and she meets you when she gets there. Dominating the conversation is just rude - 'i'm struggling to get a word on edgeways, if I'm not going to be part of the conversation I might as well not be here' and LEAVE.

This isn't what friendship is about. Just because you have known her for a decade doesn't mean you are obliged to keep up with meeting up or anything. Call her on her shit behaviour, she's not a friend if she treats you both that way, so what if you fall out, you have nothing to lose!

thanks for both of these. I'm tempted by Rhiad's approach. I think i'll do this.

Thank you SY2025 - my question to you - is when is it enough? On days out it is a drip...drip response. You turn up a midday as agreed - it isn't obvious that they will be so late, again with the monologing - they start talking and talking...when do you kick off - without looking like you've over reacted. Again if the second part of the day had been okay I'd almost have forgiven this.
I think though that if anyone had asked them after the meet up - so what's Carmella up to with her life she wouldn't have had a clue: she'd not allowed any opportunity or asked a single question - where I could speak at length about her husband/job/pet/daughter because she'd forensically spoken about them at length - all afternoon/evening.

I suppose if you were her would you want to know that I'd rather do anything else than meet up because of her behaviour?

My feeling is she isn't much of a current friend so I can just fade her out. But just seems a bit uncomfortable.

Also a question for any psychologists - why do some people do this: talk at you almost deliberately not givining you any air space - almost like they are afraid to find out about your life or give you any air space. There must be some reason - especially when its a long meet up? It's not just like it was a 30 min coffee?

My guess is that she doesn't have many friends. Or perhaps she thinks a full update is required because you haven't spoken in so long and doesn't realise how she comes across. It doesn't sound as if either you or B are able to make a joke of C's dominating the proceedings. I'd have had to have said something when she was so late without explanation, but then did you and your other friend not go and do something other than hang around waiting? Be more assertive. If you don't want to meet up with her again just say you're finding it difficult to find the time. If she presses you can express you no longer have much in common.

I'd be vague

Thanks.
I might have been unclear - we had a table booked at a restaurant at say midday...I arrived...my other friend arrived 12:05 (chit chat) 12:20 (where is she?) text received - 'on my way' personally I imagine a 10 or 15 minute delay max - workman issues....final arrival nearly 1:45pm.... in the circs you don;t realise that she's going to be so late, and there was a workman issue.
However, of course , if had I'll be hours late - then of course we'd have done something else. It's the slow boiling frog..
Make a joke of her constant talk? Well I didnt get hardly a chance to speak and she's quite a spiky personality that would take offence. I kept thinking in a minute she will pause for breath/chill out/ ask me a question..
I take your point about being assertive. I'm definitely not going to see her. I was just interested in how people would deal with it.
I don;t think she does have many friends - no wonder.

Thanks. I suppose I was wondering if I'd get people saying - tell her why you don;t want to see her. But I think I will hedge and be busy.

Meet the Decent Human Being friend at 12 for lunch. Add on Diva for a 3pm coffee catch up..
Say you can't be earlier as you have builders in..

What @Sunnydaysarehereagain2026 said…

I would just tell her no thank you, our last meeting was not enjoyable and you were rude and I don't want more of the same.

Tomato Sandwiches would you though really say that? Whilst I don't want more of the same I don't wish to be cruel.
I do think she was completely oblivious and thought she's had a great time. She messaged me immediately afterwards .. But would you really say that?

@CarmellaSopranosKitchen yes, there is no way I would want to meet up with her but would have enough respect for her to be honest, then everyone knows where they stand.

First of all, there was absolutely not reason to wait two hours for lunch. I’d have ordered lunch after 30 mins delay.

Secondly you absolutely could have taken control of the conversation, even the chattiest person can be interrupted politely you just have to be bold enough to do it.

If you can’t bring yourself to entirely cut her off, reduce frequency dramatically and time box your outings.

There’s no need to spend all day with her. Make timings clear in advance. Organise lunch and say “I need to be gone by 2pm” or make it dinner and go home afterwards.

You will find her easier to deal with if it’s only an hour or two.

If I ignored myself agreed to meet up and she was the same, late, rude then I would run the risk of being unkind to her face and I would want to avoid that.

I’d probably meet her with the intention of calling out the bad behaviour as it happens. You don’t have to, obviously, but I find it’s better to challenge behaviour at the time and have the discussion in person rather than over text. It removes any possibility of “I had no idea I was doing that, why didn’t you say so at the time?” or a denial that it was happening. If you weren’t going to see her again I wouldn’t care about that, but you say your paths could cross at work.

For the time keeping, just be firm about not waiting for her beyond a small amount of courtesy time. I get that she drip fed her lateness last time, but now you know she’s liable to do that and you can be firm. The first “I’m running late” text gets a question about how long she’ll be. If her answer is more than 15 minutes, she dodges the question or she says a short window and doesn’t arrive in it, you just reply “OK, we’re going to start (plan) and you can join us when you get here”.

For the conversation dominating, you absolutely can just interrupt her. You’re not part of a group where you’re worried about the social dynamics or feel intimidated in case other people don’t agree with you. You’re meeting with someone who you already know agrees with you, so stand up for yourself.

I will say that people who talk a lot know that they do. In my experience they don’t mind being interrupted or nicely redirected. It won’t be the first time it has happened.

I think I would be honest. Honestly no one turns up almost 2 hours late and expects people to be ok with it and surely they aren’t so unaware as to see they are talking over you. A friend of mine and myself have a mutual friend who sounds similar and we call her out now. In response to your friends meet up suggestion my response would be. I think this friendship has run its course now. You were almost 2 hours late last time with very little explanation which I found disrespectful then you talked over us for the rest of the meet up so not at all enjoyable. If she takes offence so what. You won’t be seeing her again and in future she may alter her behaviour.

'when do you kick off - without looking like you've over reacted'

Maybe you don't kick off, you just make damn sure that she never gets the chance to make you wait 2 hours or talk over you ever again. Very good choice to decide that you're done with her and you're not going to see her again - she sounds very hard work and pretty unpleasant.

I'm a fairly avoidant type so I would just be unavailable - forever. Maybe it's more honest to tell her that she kept you waiting and then monologued at you and you found that rude / unpleasant / tiresome / whatever. Depends how much hassle you can put up with, and whether you think there's any hope of her reflecting and changing her behaviour

Is she actually a friend? Or just someone you once knew?

If you are unable to say 'too busy at the moment, will let you know' then have a meal with your other friend and arrange a catch up afterwards with C as a PP mentioned. If she is late, then just go home, both of you.

For me, I'd either ignore, or go with the intention of ordering food within 30 mins. Then if she starts non stop talking, get your phone out and catch up on messages/don't make any eye. At some point just talk over her and ask A a question.

God I had a friend like this, she’s absolutely terrible for monologuing and once even explained to me what parachuting is just to monologue more… I made excuses I was busy, and just faded her out.

If I liked her before the last outing, I’d try again, and organise a meet up. It’d be a meeting to see if she can be rewarding company, though. So if she’s very late again, don’t wait for her, let her catch up while you do your plan. And if she talks too much, I’d intervene in an attempting to be jolly way, and steer the conversation. One last chance for her to be ok? You never know, last time she might have been unusually stressed.

This.
No need for big soap opera drab, just be vague and fade.

thank you all. Some interesting points.

I do think it's hard when someone says that they are on the way late. To say - enough.. because they never say I'm going to be hours late, but fair enough:

My options:
Meet up: me unhappy - her happy
Me tell her why I won't meet up: both unhappy and I might feel obligated to see her again - as she might say 'I will listen more'
Me fade her out: both save face - I guess

the thought that i found interesting is - is she really a friend? No. I guess was once (based in same office) now more of an acquaintance , and if I met her today would I want her as a friend: No. Definitely not. No empathy and not light hearted.

Thank you all.

I was surprised that there were fewer people telling me to tell her what I thought. As we often get threads where people say friends aren't meeting up with them etc.
But thanks .

I have an older friend who is similar.

A bit like you, we were thrown together by circumstance about 10 years ago. Circumstances changed about 7 years ago, and we stayed friendly.
But she's now a "low doses" friend. Partly because she monologues as well. But also because she has a strange habit of asking me, "Have you heard of throws out a name of some celebrity from the 60s", and even if I reply no, she won't then drop it, but will proceed to explain to me in excruciating detail every single thing that person has done. Complete with a full analysis. Even when I put on my "bored" face, she doesn't get it.

She's a nice lady, very kind, but my god does she go on. I just couldn't put up with it any more. And she went from a once a month friend, to a 3-4 times a year friend. Purely because that was all I could tolerate.

It's okay for friendships to run their course. I think in your case, I'd just be unavailable forever. She'll get the message eventually.

@CarmellaSopranosKitchen She's not a friend so you can say that you're busy with your life and you don't know when things will slow down but you will let her know.

In the end your life never slowed down so you don't have to get back to her.