He flaked on me. Do I leave him to it?

[gloriousday34]

So. Long story short guy at thr gym was looking at me intensely for a good week. We exchanged lots of glances. Finally on Friday he speaks to me. We were parked next to each other. We got talking about work and what we do. He said look I think you’re attractive and I’d like your number if we can do something on Sunday let’s grab a coffee. We talked about various things like weekend plans and he also said im a liscenced massage therapist too. So I said oh god dont be one of those guys. Intimacy is accessible anywhere now days you need to have a connection with women. Be then said yeah yeah I know what you mean. We then talked about coffee again and he said listen I’ll let you know if anything changes and . I said yes perfect. I would love that. Swapped numbers. He texted me as soon as he got in thr car to leave with his name and a “x” Liked all my instagram stories of me and my outfits etc. we texted a bit but nothing too deep over Friday and Saturday. Anyway. This morning I got “hey im not gonna be able to do today ive just got some bits and bobs to do” so I just said “that’s alright. No worries x” because I’m not going to beg for this.

I just feel a bit confused. What did I do wrong?? What did I say or do. I nearly said when are you next free but then thought no actually he should be the one saying that to me!!

my question is, shall I let him go and forget about it because clearly he’s not putting any ounce of effort in here.

@LlynTegid Don't reward people who are unreliable.

^ this with bells on !

He could have a genuine reason but that isn't appropriate to share with someone before you've even got to the first date. I think you were right to not ask when he is free and leave the ball in his court, but don't be over thinking it wondering what you did wrong.

It was only a coffee but he’d gone to the effort of liking your photos. The comment you made sounded a bit judgemental. However it depends how he said it. Was it bad flirting/hinting or just matter of fact. If nothing comes of it he can stay a gym friend. I wouldn’t give it to much thought.

To be honest, I wouldn’t go near any man at my gym. Well the certain types. You know what I mean. For all the reasons you’ve stated here.

Quite a lot of men, funnily enough.

I just feel a bit confused. What did I do wrong?? What did I say or do.

You can’t, and you shouldn’t, do anything except be yourself and hold good boundaries. The secret to attracting a great partner is not cluttering up your life with the not so great ones.

I’m surprised so many women dont realise that ‘I’m a massage therapist’ when they have a different full time job, is a come-on for sex.

You implied he was a sex worker! 😂 I'd be giving you excuses too!

You're seriously surprised that he's changed his mind and doesn't want to see you now?

I've had several male massage therapists, one of whom was also my PT at the gym. None of them were dodgy. It's a perfectly normal profession, something a lot of people do train in when they're into health and fitness and if you immediately jumped to him potentially offering extras then you can't really complain that he thinks you're weird. You acted like some sleazy bloke.

Good decision. He's playing games.

I wasn’t asking for a massage though. He’s not a massage therapist as a job he works in tech so raising it is weird and just to me why seemed to be a line

"Bits and Bobs" is the worst excuse I've ever heard.

I would leave it at that personally.

No effort. No date.

Have you just met him at the gym this week?

Agree. He was probably hoping you’d ask him to give you a rub down. Your reaction told him he wasn’t going to get sexytime on the first date so he’s found someone else to practice his chakras on.

The entire interaction just sounds really antagonistic and weird to be honest.

He said he was a massage therapist (his subtext: he wants to shag you). You were sneery about it (your subtext: he's clearly a creep), now you're wondering why he hasn't asked you out. Obviously you're not suited to each other.

Now you're going to keep running into him at the gym and it'll be awkward.

Sounds fickle and disinterested to me.
Don't give it another thought.
Although i'm wondering if im just from a different era where if i say im going to do something ,barring acts of god i do?
My adult kids tell me that with online dating people often make arrangements after protracted talking and then at the eleventh hour flake with an excuse ranging from an urgently sick relative to a domestic emergency ,although my daughter said one bloke cancelled 2 hrs before a date due to a parcel delivery (he sounds a bit like your bits and bobs guy!)
Is it the way people are today?

I agree with this. You've only just met, it was a casual arrangement for a coffee. I had a similar situation with a guy I met a little while back, I was not going to give him another chance but I did and now things are going great with him, I'm so glad I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

I don't actually agree with this 'if a guy really likes you he'll be kicking your door down' dating philosophy, men have fears and anxieties and insecurities too, and things going on in their lives that are nothing to do with you. Definitely leave it to him to see if he makes another move, but if he does I don't think it's necessarily a write off.

I think he probably knew you were onto him being a sleaze when he alleged he was a 'licensed' massage therapist. Seeing as there's no such thing..I'm surprised he didn't say he was offering free yoni massage sessions?!

Just forget about him as he sounds awful. You called him out early on so I don't know why you're lamenting the fact he doesn't want to 'date' you.

Why would he mention something like that in the first five minutes of talking unless there was something meaningful there in the intention? He wanted an ‘ooh maybe you can massage me sometime’ and he didn’t get it from you. If he was looking for a connection to maybe turn into a relationship he would not have mentioned it unless it came up in conversation. Which it didn’t.

Nothing wrong with either approach, but you are after different things.

Don’t have eye contact with him in the gym, and focus on your whatever it is people do at the gym (no idea, it all sounds like torture 😂).

People always comment on dating that clearly have no experience of the hell put it actually is, see also step parenting.
You really can’t begin to understand the dynamics unless you have lived experience.

I hate massages… people i’ve paid fiddling around not even making me feel comfortable, & what to say???!
nah ignore him, unless you’re desperate 😊.

He’s probably dating a few women or is contact with a few and got a better offer. Leave it now and I wouldn’t bother getting in touch again.

Exactly this. Trust your instincts. 💪🏼

Yep that was my take as well. He's a sleaze. OP forget about him.

Only you know how it was said, OP. I accept he could have been sleezy. But if that's the case, why consider meeting him at all? That wouldn't be a good idea.

Also, if you're finding it necessary to say something like that after ten minutes, it's clearly not something you would be interested in and not something he would be interested in.

No one has ever said this to me. I don't know how I'd take it. I don't think it would play well but I don't think I'd pull him up on it. Weird vibe. My guess is he was a little put out on thinking about it and the bits and bobs thing was a retort.

I think you should reflect why you were still interested of you felt he was sleezy. You sound both prickly and vulnerable.