Conversation left me feeling like a charity case

[Ferriswheel101]

Left with a strange feeling after this chat. We are a family with primary age children, we live simply and are careful as we both have low incomes. The other day a friend I know locally who is my parent's age came up and chatted with me, normally it's more general and sometimes amusing, but this time she said very loudly she'd been sorting her clothes out and didn't want to offend me but wondered if I would like some of them, they are nice quality and she said she understands how it is when you have kids, that mums are always at the back of the queue for new things. She said this very loudly as people I knew were walking past, she wouldn't have known I knew them. As she said this I felt a really weird mix of feelings which I covered up with 'yeah, not offended, that's fine and thanks.' But internally I was having lots of emotions going on, which I processed later. Mainly that although she's trying to help I ended up feeling like a charity case and also aware that she had been observing and thinking about how I present myself. I'm not that interested in fashion and just dress simply but I like bright hats, scarves and bags. I was then given the bag of clothes which wasn't suitable for me anyway.

I think there were far more tactful ways of asking actually. ‘Before I pop them on Vinted, do you want to see if there’s anything you like? We’re about the same size and you have similar taste to me I think!’

I’m suprised at all the posters who don’t get why this hasn’t left you feeling great. Yes, we all - most of us - both give and receive pass- ons and sometimes these are welcome, sometimes they don’t work. But to single out someone not that close and publicly address what one perceives as a lack of resources? I would never do that. And I would be left feeling as you are if someone did it to me. Ewww….no….not good. Of course you’re wondering what she sees that led her to that.

For next time, if there is one, politely and coolly decline- “Thanks for the thought but I’m sorted/good/don’t need anything. Thanks anyway”. And for now - I agree this is more about her than you. However, ask yourself if you are presenting as you’d like to. We could all always use nice new outfits but that’s not the issue. Ask yourself if you feel nice in what you wear each day. If yes, ignore her. If no, do what you can within your time and financial resources to change that.

And dump the clothes asap wherever you can - hopefully there’s a charity bin. You absolutely don’t need to sort through all her crap.

We’re constantly getting hand me downs. It’s because my DC are smaller than average, so we are the first family people think of, rather than because they think we don’t have any money (no issues there at all). It was the same when I was a child as I was always at least one size below most of my peers.

We have no issues with this at all. Personally I think clothes should be shared and re-worn more from an environmental perspective. I’m happy to accept hand me downs, shop on Vinted, in charity shops etc etc just as I’m happy to buy expensive new things.

I suppose you can tell if it’s meant in a condescending way though.

Yeah, she sounds performative. I really don't like people dumping their cast offs onto me, especially when they make out like they're doing you a favour.

This. It would have been easier for her to take them to a charity shop or put them in a textiles bin.

Goodness that makes me feel bad! I pass on things all the time! Things bought for my grandson which he doesn't use/wear any more mainly. The family next door have a child 6 months younger than him so I always offer to them first. They nearly always accept, but I would hate to think I might be offending them!

Very insensitive of her.
That conversation should have been in private.

I receive clothes and shoes from others regularly, never felt like a charity case!

Hand them back and tell her they were not suitable; otherwise, she'll be wondering why you're not wearing them.

This, exactly this. I read a good LinkedIn post today that said 100% of other people really aren't thinking about you at all, when you worry if they are.

Of course, being older and less worried and wiser, I understand this. So I guess it could apply to you too, OP.

Just see the gesture for what it was - a kind and thoughtful one, and it gave you some new clothes that you didn't know you were going to get needed

Great all round, and I am certain nobody was standing there listening and judging 🙂

I think in a way, it was a bit of a strange choice to have done this in public and not be subtle about it but at the same time it does seem to essentially just be kindness, perhaps the timing was just convenient for her and she felt it would have been even more of an event turning up at your home, nobody here can know.

I can see though how it would feel discomforting to be publicly positioned as someone 'in need'. It's also almost always uncomfortable when we are made aware that people have observed us and formed certain assumptions about circumstances or even appearance. I suppose what I'm saying that I think how you feel is quite valid and natural for the situation, but that I'd do my best to brush it off and accept it was all kindly meant and not really a big deal. If she attempted to offer it again then I would probably just politely decline.

The fact the clothes aren't suitable are by the by really. She has no way of knowing what clothing you might or might not want. I think if most of us tried to buy clothes for even our close mates or family we'd still get it wrong most of the time. If they aren't suitable then pass them on and forget about it.

I have some wealthy friends who spend a lot more money on clothes than me and I gladly take their old clothes. Anything not suitable, i put to the charity shop but Ive got some great things. Im into sustainability and Im thrifty - it’s a win-win!

I dont see it as being a charity case - some people just have more disposable income/bigger clothes budget. Im happy to benefit

I think you’re overthinking it.

Someone on our street WhatsApp mentioned the other day she was clearing out her wardrobe and would anyone like a bag of clothes or 2 before she takes them to the charity shop.

I live in zone 2 in London and all the houses in our street are worth £2m ish but there were quite a few takers. Someone said they’d sell some on Vinted.

Being offered second hand clothes isn’t an insult, many people like second hand clothes.

I think it's one thing doing it for children but quite odd actually to do it for another adult unless they are family or a best friend

The first time I met my then girlfriend, now DW’s family, I made a real effort with my clothes. We all got on great and I came away thinking I’d made a wonderful first impression.

The second time I visited, her aunt turned up and gave me a load of T-shirts that her son - DW’s cousin - didn’t want any more. He’s massive and really into wrestling so his clothes are like tents on the rest of the family.

I thanked them and wore them over the years but was a little taken aback about what impression my sprucing myself up must have made.

Passing on clothes isn't a reflection of what the recipient wears

It is based on an assumption that other people enjoy getting things given them for free, and / or other people don't like waste and also think of the environment.

The donor could have opted for lowkey and she didn’t. Clothes swaps between friends is one thing; public ‘I thought these might help you’ is a bit teeth-grindy. But I’d rummage through the bag, pick what you want, and offer back to her the remainder - ‘would you like to donate these to a charity or sell them?’

Yeah sounds like it was her tone or maybe she raised her voice to be heard as Lady Bountiful.

OP, give the clothes back and be very polite that they don’t suit you and would be better off on someone else.

When I had my son in 2001, we were neighbours with a young girl who was having a baby with a professional footballer. She had a girl and I had a boy, and her mum came over to yours with a bin liner of 'boy' clothes. I thought it was a bit condescending but probably well meaning, so thanked her profusely. When I opened the bag to my amazement it was all designer brands, all brand new with tags, including several Baby Dior babygros! I flogged ninety per cant of it and made an fortune 😁

I know back in my day everyone passed on baby clothes, those NCT sales could get vicious! So I wouldn't get offended about it.

You are being OTT. We are a ‘wealthy’ household eg don’t qualify for the childcare funding. I accepted a bag of clothes for me recently. All 3 kids wear clothes from neighbours and cousins second hand or from Vinted I don’t think twice about it

I always accept clothes and give a lot of unwanted clothes away to other people who are sometimes doing better financially than me. It doesn’t make me feel insecure to receive bags of unwanted but nice clothes. Don’t worry OP.

I'm always happy to receive kids' clothes but I think I'd feel patronised by that too. If there's a next time, a robust "no thank you, I'm fine for clothes" with a confident smile should deal with it. But easy to say with hindsight.

Anyway you handled it, which is the main thing. She misjudged it a bit, it doesn't mean she is devoting a tonne of headspace to how you dress.