Conversation left me feeling like a charity case

[Ferriswheel101]

Left with a strange feeling after this chat. We are a family with primary age children, we live simply and are careful as we both have low incomes. The other day a friend I know locally who is my parent's age came up and chatted with me, normally it's more general and sometimes amusing, but this time she said very loudly she'd been sorting her clothes out and didn't want to offend me but wondered if I would like some of them, they are nice quality and she said she understands how it is when you have kids, that mums are always at the back of the queue for new things. She said this very loudly as people I knew were walking past, she wouldn't have known I knew them. As she said this I felt a really weird mix of feelings which I covered up with 'yeah, not offended, that's fine and thanks.' But internally I was having lots of emotions going on, which I processed later. Mainly that although she's trying to help I ended up feeling like a charity case and also aware that she had been observing and thinking about how I present myself. I'm not that interested in fashion and just dress simply but I like bright hats, scarves and bags. I was then given the bag of clothes which wasn't suitable for me anyway.

I think you are over thinking this. I accept bags of clothes for me or my kids all the time. Have a good rummage and pass the rest on. Much better than buying stuff new.

Yeah maybe I'm over thinking it. I have received clothes for the kids from school mums, I also buy in charity shops as well as new, not sure why this felt different, maybe because it was for me not the kids, she meant well but perhaps over stated why she thought I needed it, mum friends have never done that.

No good deed goes unpunished as they say. If you feel like a ‘charity case’ then that’s on you. You could just see it for what it is - a nice gesture. And I very much doubt that so many people known to you were milling around listening.

Was it the performative , quite loud, in front of (passing) audience offer that struck a chord? I’M HELPING YOU! YOU NEED HELP ! LOOK AT ME HELPING!

Sell the clothes on Vinted, make yourself a few ££’s

Seriously over thinking

Your friend was obviously over compensating for offering in the first place

Ive learned now ( and Im old ) to say - yes or no - will this be of use

( just had to sort mums clothes and so much not even worn, I kept a few bits back for friends who although 20 years younger might have liked them, I picked well - all gone )

Offering with the say yes or no , no offence really helps I think.

Over the years Ive had friends with children a year or more above my grandchildren and they knew I would never be offended if offered, even as a selling item , they would come to me first

I never see myself as a charity case, even though we as a couple are well below the government levels for those living in poverty. We arent rich, no way, but we afford to live because we do buy second had or accept hand me downs

We also hate waste and land fill so we are a make do and mend couple, even though we do have a big tv

It was outside the kid's school and lots of people I know walking past and getting out of cars by the path we were chatting on.

The explanation was long, loud and repeated, this person does make comments about how people look and is quite direct.

Thanks for replies.

I buy off vinted and sell on vinted and always pass things round to friends

elder son is 14 youngest son is 7 (dd10) and anything decent I do keep for my youngest son but it’s a big age gap and can’t store everything!

im always very grateful if people want to help me out.

Honestly I think this is more about her than you. She needed someone to dump her unwanted items on and came up with a narrative to make her feel good about it

I think you must have some issues surrounding shame. It’s both perfectly normal for friends to pass on unwanted clothes, and not to do it in an undertone and in a private place, as though it’s a shameful, secret activity.

W/o would contact her and very pleasantly thank her for the clothes but tell her that they were unsuitable so would she like them back or would she like you to give them to a charity shop?

I doubt she meant to embarrass you though, I’ve been handed down clothes for myself be it was just someone who I chat to and thought they might fit.

Aww no, I think it's your own internal thinking there.

It's really common in my friend circle to offer each other things we no longer use but are still in good condition. Adult clothes, kids clothes, furniture, garden furniture ect

Infact, 2 of the group met because one was giving a slide away 😅

There's loads of ways to get rid of unwanted clothes easily 😅

I think she wanted to give them to someone she liked. If the clothes are in poor condition I’ll change my mind.

Yes I was going to post similar but got distracted 😅 if the clothes are nice and in nice condition then it was a nice gesture

If their not nice and in poor condition then it's a dig

Agree with everyone else.
This is a you issue.
Perfectly sensible to offer people clothes you no longer need if you think they might be a similar size to yourself.
I have been given loads of things this way, and I've also offered things I've finished with to other people.
Just a nice, helpful thing to help someone else out. You don't have to be "a charity case" to appreciate getting some new things without spending a penny. Can't all of us do with a bonus few quid in our pockets ?

Although the lady was generous and she was trying to be helpful to you, it looks like the conversation went on a little too long and I can understand why it made you cringe.

I suggest, if anything like this happened again, instead of you having to listen to those who make assumptions about you, that you stop the conversation........Interrupt them and say No no I am fine thanks and start to turn away.

Too many people nowadays judge on appearances of others and this is what has happened here. So just make them end the conversation quicker, as it is not what you want to be broadcasted within ear shot of people you know.

Agree with others this is a “you” issue.

Even if anyone walking past did overhear this woman offering you the clothes, so what? Just a kind gesture to offer them to a friend and no one would judge you or her even if they did notice.

I get you OP. I’m a PA, when I was in my 20s and not earning much my very well off boss offered me a bag of her old clothes. I was a bit wtf but accepted as thought there would be some good quality things in there. She brought in a bag of worn out, equivalent of Top Shop things. There wasn’t a single thing worth salvaging. I don’t get her motivation, she can’t really have thought these clothes were better than what I normally wore. It’s not as if she was a kind person in general either, she treated me like an absolute skivvy, so I assume it was a combo of wanting to dump her stuff and make herself feel superior.

Was any of the stuff she gave actually nice OP? Or in what way was it unsuitable?

I also wonder if she was trying to do something nice and over compensated, her words do sound kind. On mumsnet it’s always malicious.

I’m going against the grain here and I would have been quite bemused. I’m not saying she intended it maliciously, but it’s quite presumptuous to think an adult with their own style sense would want her old clothes.

Especially as she made a point of saying “because mums are back to the queue” - I.e. implying that you really need them - rather than just offering them neutrally “I have some clothes I don’t use any more, I wondered if you’d like to take a look and see if there’s anything you would wear”.

And outside of the school gates, loudly in earshot of other people does sound quite performative.

Kids clothes yes, makes sense to pass them around. But no, I would never do this to someone else in these circumstances and would be quite confused if someone did it to me.

And I am someone who is happy wearing second hand clothes and enjoys passing things on etc.

As a young penniless mother in the 90s i would have loved a bag of clothing free.
Dont look a gift horse jn the mouth

I think it is just an easy way of your ‘friend’ getting rid of her old clothes. It’s one thing to put them on a local fb group and offer to everyone but totally different to single someone out and say poor dear I know what it’s like etc.
I was ‘gifted’ an enormous amount of clothes unsolicited once by a neighbour for my children and they were either baby clothes (mine were toddlers) or worn out and stained. So then it was all my problem to deal with.
Sort of like fly tipping if you ask me.

I think it's somehow different to offer outgrown clothes for kids than unwanted clothes for adults. It does feel like charity/condescending somehow.

Years ago when we were quite obviously not well off, a fairly wealthy friend turned up on my door saying that she'd lost lots of weight recently and did I want to look through the clothes she was getting rid of. I was offended on a number of levels!