Was I rude for dismissing a stranger who interrupted me on the platform?

[KookyLemonReader]

About a year ago I started a new job in finance in the City which has been very intense. The previous week I have been working very intensely to meet an end of week deadline. I am contractually required to be in the office at least one day a week so on Thurs I dragged myself out to the office. In the early afternoon I was at the local tube station platform waiting for the train and on my laptop deep in work mode when I noticed someone trying to get my attention in my peripheral vision. I turned away from my laptop removed my headphones and listened to the man. He was asking me where my handbag is from. I was very irritated that he interrupted me with this when I was clearly deep in concentration and replied in a cold way ‘I am working’ and went back to my business. A few seconds later I felt bad (also this man was an ethnic minority and I’m a white woman so I worried about that) turned back to him and said I’m sorry I was a bit rude what did you ask. He again asked where my bag is from. I told him the brand (vintage Italian designer). He made some random comment like oh I can’t buy that here I guess. I didn’t engage. Went back to my work. My concentration was lost and I was very annoyed by the whole exchange but also questioning myself. Was I awful or is it fair that he should not have interrupted a clearly full of focus person with a silly question?

No, you're right. Apologising for any previous offence was absolutely not enough.

She should have removed her headphones, smiled as if entranced, and offered a blowie.

I would bet my bottom dollar he would not have shown a skerrick of interest in the handbag of a woman of pension age.

🤣

No. The real leap in this thread was from “woman sounded a bit curt while stressed and working” to “she lives in a closed little world and thinks she’s too special to talk to ordinary people.”

Thats a leap worthy of an Olympic long jumper

She wasn't remotely rude.

You've completely misunderstood what she said.

How?

I would have thought it is quite easy to differentiate between a creepy man with bad intentions and one who simply strikes up a conversation in a public space. I too have been subjected to the creepy men, it doesn't make me suspicious of all men. There is nothing wrong with being careful, but the way many MNers talk you would think all men are evil and should be avoided at all costs and if one dares to speak to them then being rude is the way to go. What a way to live!

Totally agree.

Bad men are often very good at putting on an act for a while, until the mask inevitably slips. So no, it’s not always easy go differentiate. That’s just the start of victim blaming, like women should have known.

Can I repeat to make it absolutely clear, in case any of the people who think the OP was rude to this man visit my part of the world or any part of the world I've ever visited -

Wearing earphones means:

DO NOT DISTURB ME UNLESS THERE IS AN EMERGENCY

Nobody said all men are evil. The point, which you seem determined to miss, is that men with bad intentions do not conveniently walk around labelled “creep,” “predator” or “dangerous.” If they did, women’s lives would be considerably easier. Stop victim blaming.

Most women learn very early on that assessing risk in public is not as simple as “well he seemed nice.” Sometimes men are perfectly pleasant right up until they aren’t. That doesn’t mean women think all men are monsters. It means women are allowed to be guarded, distracted or simply uninterested in engaging.

What’s actually happened here is that you’ve turned the OP being curt because she was working into a full-scale moral and social indictment because apparently that’s easier than accepting that women do not owe random strangers warmth on demand. It also feeds your sense of outrage which is what you really enjoy despite your assertions about how nice you are.

And honestly, the endless speeches about how exceptionally nice, open and friendly you are would carry a bit more weight if they weren’t accompanied by pages of sneering about another woman’s character because she didnt want to engage whilst working on a Tube platform.

Exactly this. There are a few people on this thread who don't seem to understand context.

If the man was interrupting her to let her know that they'd just announced that all trains were cancelled, fair enough.

But to interrupt someone wearing headphones and deep in thought on a laptop, to ask where their bag is from, is rude.

I say this as someone from The North. Same rules apply up here.

I tell you what, you bottle and sell your ability to tell a creepy man from a good man by looking at him and you are going to be a millionaire within days.

Yes! You’d save millions of women a lot of trouble and pain.

If you genuinely possess the magical ability to identify which men will turn out to be rapists, predators or violent simply by looking at them for five seconds, then frankly you owe it to the rest of us to share this revolutionary skill.

Seeing as you keep telling us how exceptionally nice and friendly you are and all.

You’d think what? Tell that to Ted Bundy’s victims.

@KookyLemonReader The question you should be asking yourself is, did he apologise when he saw you take your headphones/ear buds off?

If I had spoken to someone I didn’t realise was wearing them the first thing I would have said was “Oh, I’m really sorry I didn’t realise you had earbuds in.” If he didn’t apologise then don’t give it any more thought. I’ll guarantee he hasn’t spent a single second worrying about his lack of manners.

She was worried that as a white woman her (not at all) rude response might be taken by him as racist. She did not mean she might be in danger because she was white and he isn't.

The OP is neurodivergent. For some people it is difficult to tell the difference. And in many cases, an innocuous exchange can rapidly escalate into something quite different.

I’m a WOC and this is exactly how I interpreted the OP’s concern. She was very clearly short about being interrupted, not from whom the interruption came; and then second guessed herself, no doubt having been drilled about micro aggressions and the like at work.

No, I understood that, thanks.

I just don’t like all the dog whistle stuff in OP’s post about her City job, her rare - and presumably expensive - handbag and her underlining that she’s white and the man was not. She seems very set on showing how wealthy and accomplished she is, which I just find quite distasteful.

What makes you say the OP is neurodivergent? I didn’t pick that up at all?

The bit where she says she's diagnosed with ADHD.

You seem very sure of OP's rudeness for someone who has missed some fairly key details.

You also missed the part where she apologised (which she didn't need to).

Thank you for clarifying. I still stand by the fact she was rude. She was rude and the man was rude.

@HarryKanesRightFoot I guess on a very basic level, you're right, but I think those of us who don't think she was being rude are seeing it within the context of the situation.

Imagine I told a man to fuck off.

On the face of it, it's rude, but if it's in the context of the man shouting "nice tits" at me from across the road then it's not.

That's how I see it anyway.

I'm shocked by the comments....is this a London thing as here in South West it's really normal for people (men and women) to start a conversation. No need to be rude to anyone.

All of you with the man hating - why? Would it have been reacted to same way if was a woman? He may have been asking as he wanted to buy a handbag for his wife or something.