Page 6 | Do you have “rules” for yourself or “non-negotiables”? How disciplined are you?

Redballer · 2026-05-23T05:55:24+00:00

I only have two rules that I can think of but would like more because my habits are awful, I lack discipline and probably undiagnosed ADHD that means my executive function is off. 1. Wash face, brush teeth, moisturize every night without fail. 2. Get out of bed by 8am on weekends. The second one has come from the fact that now my kids are older and can sort themselves of a morning, I was finding I could still be in bed, on my phone, at 11:30am. Maybe I’ve got more but they’re not jumping out right now or they are subconscious. Anyway, looking for inspiration on what habits or mini rules you have for yourself that are constructive and make you feel good.

Original poster

Redballer · 24/05/2026 22:59

WarmthAndDepth · 24/05/2026 11:28

I think positive self-talk can make a big difference to how we not only pick our way through the challenges of life, great and small, but also -crucially- how we experience ourselves as we work through said challenges. I coach myself through things which both helps me actually do the difficult thing, and also makes me feel like I'm someone who's 'got this'. It helps regulate emotions which supports physiological readiness to engage with the world. It's also about what I don't tell myself -I don't berate myself or reflect back negatively to myself the things I find hard or struggle with or am scared of. I'm not mean to myself. Essentially, I narrate my experience through a lense of positive regard.

It sits in a wider container of my general outlook, and it's become part of a sort of virtuous circle. I make small deliberate decisions about how I view the world ('people generally do / believe they do the best they can within the circumstances they find themselves in' etc, acknowledging that often, circumstances are hard and choices tough). We're not all born trusting, 'glass-half-full' people but I think we can cultivate empathy and compassion both for others and ourselves through those deliberate decisions. I work with people who are faced with seemingly insurmountable challenges and impossible choices, so its a daily practice, if you like. I include myself in this basic understanding of being deserving of kindness and patience, and it allows me to relax and unclench a bit about situations arising, about other people and possible outcomes.

Over the years, I've enjoyed therapy both in groups and individually, as well as meditation and mindfulness practices. I've found the greatest benefit of these has been to grow an awareness and acceptance of who I am in the world, what I am beyond my mind and how these experiences interact. And basic gratitude practice. Against this backdrop, my positive self-talk tends to consist of 'reminders' that, 'like waves on the ocean', events arise and fall away, I'm not identified with them but have agency to act within them. Depending on the situation, I 'talk' to myself with words of encouragement and reflecting back to myself what I observe: "Warmth, I know you're feeling sick about your meeting with the auditor. You've been sleeping badly, and spending more time than necessary going over the details, because you care. You're anxious about having missed something -that's natural. You want to project professional competence and capacity -that's good. This time next week, it'll be done. You'll be a part of the process, whatever arises, and should anything unexpected come to light, that is something you can address then. You are good at not catastrophising, keep it up."
"Warmth, you're giving yourself opportunities to be healthy and rested even though it's hard -you have a lot on. Despite everything, this week, you've x, y and even managed z. You can pick up * again next week. Well done."
And so on. Last year, in the middle of bereavement, estrangement, a tough diagnosis, separation, work challenges, all within a few months -the wheels falling off in so many areas of my life- I would breathe myself through one tiny moment at a time, by literally repeating to myself 'Love this too.' It seemed faintly ridiculous, but allowed a moment-to-moment softening and regulating, and for the anxiety or fear or sadness or anger or hurt to subside. Until it arose again. Rinse and repeat. Baby-steps until I'd moved through it, and it through me.

Not sure if that answers it. I don't stand in front of the mirror pep-talking myself explicitly, it's more like being a good companion to myself, if that makes sense, as in 'What would your dearest friend say to you in this situation?'.

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Thank you for taking the time to explain this.

My self talk is not very forgiving, I beat myself up quite a lot. Your point about deciding how to experience your own self is really interesting and has hit a nerve on something I think I’ve been edging towards. Like actually I get to fully decide what I do, but perhaps more importantly I also get to choose how I feel about myself as a result. Like I don’t have to feel guilty or shamed or inadequate. I could choose to feel proud instead. I could choose to just like myself more, right? It’s actually that simple…..

The self coaching is nice, will try that. I guess this is what the therapists mean about parenting yourself as well. Or being your own biggest champion… sounds emotionally exhausting but worth it it….

Thanks again, lots of food for thought.

OP posts:

TheOliveDreamer · Yesterday 00:40

I mean tonnes

Generally tell the truth because I am terrible with lying. I'd end up forgetting what I said
Don't cancel a commitment unless I'm genuinely ill
Zero tolerance for abuse
No sympathy for hangovers
Have a separate account for bills
Eat breakfast every day
Always push the handle after I've locked the front door to check I've locked it

They aren't rules, more like things I've learned from experience that keep me safe from disaster.

TheOliveDreamer · Yesterday 00:46

Ah yes one big one that I stumbled on - me and only me gets to decide which thoughts take up residence in my head. There's a huge amount to be said for learning and practising positive thinking skills as you get older. It might be some 'firm but loving parent' internal self talk, self compassion, deciding its OK to have an early night etc. Things like anxiety etc. never actually go away. They just get replaced with a new set of anxieties. So viewing anxiety as neutral, or even as a positive thing, as sign of being alive.

DrFoxtrot · Yesterday 01:17

I never drink alcohol if I’m sad/ feeling low in mood.

I never look at the time if I wake in the middle of the night. Otherwise I will start worrying if I’ve only an hour left in bed and I can’t get back to sleep 😆.

DesparatePragmatist · Yesterday 12:27

WarmthAndDepth · 24/05/2026 11:28

I think positive self-talk can make a big difference to how we not only pick our way through the challenges of life, great and small, but also -crucially- how we experience ourselves as we work through said challenges. I coach myself through things which both helps me actually do the difficult thing, and also makes me feel like I'm someone who's 'got this'. It helps regulate emotions which supports physiological readiness to engage with the world. It's also about what I don't tell myself -I don't berate myself or reflect back negatively to myself the things I find hard or struggle with or am scared of. I'm not mean to myself. Essentially, I narrate my experience through a lense of positive regard.

It sits in a wider container of my general outlook, and it's become part of a sort of virtuous circle. I make small deliberate decisions about how I view the world ('people generally do / believe they do the best they can within the circumstances they find themselves in' etc, acknowledging that often, circumstances are hard and choices tough). We're not all born trusting, 'glass-half-full' people but I think we can cultivate empathy and compassion both for others and ourselves through those deliberate decisions. I work with people who are faced with seemingly insurmountable challenges and impossible choices, so its a daily practice, if you like. I include myself in this basic understanding of being deserving of kindness and patience, and it allows me to relax and unclench a bit about situations arising, about other people and possible outcomes.

Over the years, I've enjoyed therapy both in groups and individually, as well as meditation and mindfulness practices. I've found the greatest benefit of these has been to grow an awareness and acceptance of who I am in the world, what I am beyond my mind and how these experiences interact. And basic gratitude practice. Against this backdrop, my positive self-talk tends to consist of 'reminders' that, 'like waves on the ocean', events arise and fall away, I'm not identified with them but have agency to act within them. Depending on the situation, I 'talk' to myself with words of encouragement and reflecting back to myself what I observe: "Warmth, I know you're feeling sick about your meeting with the auditor. You've been sleeping badly, and spending more time than necessary going over the details, because you care. You're anxious about having missed something -that's natural. You want to project professional competence and capacity -that's good. This time next week, it'll be done. You'll be a part of the process, whatever arises, and should anything unexpected come to light, that is something you can address then. You are good at not catastrophising, keep it up."
"Warmth, you're giving yourself opportunities to be healthy and rested even though it's hard -you have a lot on. Despite everything, this week, you've x, y and even managed z. You can pick up * again next week. Well done."
And so on. Last year, in the middle of bereavement, estrangement, a tough diagnosis, separation, work challenges, all within a few months -the wheels falling off in so many areas of my life- I would breathe myself through one tiny moment at a time, by literally repeating to myself 'Love this too.' It seemed faintly ridiculous, but allowed a moment-to-moment softening and regulating, and for the anxiety or fear or sadness or anger or hurt to subside. Until it arose again. Rinse and repeat. Baby-steps until I'd moved through it, and it through me.

Not sure if that answers it. I don't stand in front of the mirror pep-talking myself explicitly, it's more like being a good companion to myself, if that makes sense, as in 'What would your dearest friend say to you in this situation?'.

Show quote history

Thank you for this insightful and nuanced description of positive self talk! I found it so perceptive and articulate that ive copied it to refer back to. I bet the people you work with benefit immensely from this kind, pragmatic wisdom, and I'm grateful you shared it here

DesparatePragmatist · Yesterday 15:12

Like others, I do have some expectations of myself, although I don't really think of them as rules. Probably 2 categories:

There's the basic standards I live by: shower and skincare every day; suncream every day; tidy as I go with cooking and projects; dishwasher overnight every night; clean kitchen before bed and wipe surfaces after breakfast; shoes in the shoe rack and coats hung up as soon as taken off; 2 of all groceries, one in use and one in the cupboard, and trained everyone to shouts each item to the Alexa shopping list as soon as they use up one and take its successor from the cupboard - and online supermarket delivery every week in the same slot with all the basics for the next week. Alarm set on phone for daily meds.

Then there's the aspirational ones i choose to adopt because I know life is better when I do them: plants and protein for every meal; alcohol and puddings weekends only; gym class or run 4x a week; up at 6 to do thought download and sort my day and head out with a cup of tea before the rest of the house gets up; invest in good quality facials, haircuts, and clothes (off vinted) so I dont default to thinking I only make an effort for other people, and not myself. The latest one I'm setting myself is to sign up for an online course to relearn an instrument I played in childhood and fell out of doing, and practice 5 mins every day.

Great thread subject OP!