Are we just old school

[Highlandgal]

I was out with a group of friends and we got talking about pregnancy as one of her daughters is trying. Her daughter had what she said was a chemical pregnancy and her daughter got upset when she said in her day it would have been classed as a late period. It got us thinking that these days with all the various home tests that are available we feel for the younger generation that there’s pressure to have sex at certain times rather than just relax and have fun. Is this really the case or are we just old and not moved with the times. I’m not judging just curious.

Surely though given the fact the daughter did know and therefore it was too late for 'ignorance is bliss', her mum was being very insensitive? Wrong time and place for the 'in my time' conversation.

If she's been trying for a while or going through ivf can you not see that this may have been the only time she's managed to get pregnant and so it could be very upsetting for her? It's not just a few cells floating round, it's an embryo which has implanted into your uterus.

I had a chemical pregnancy a while ago after years and years of infertility and IVF. It was not at all like a late period.. It was extremely heavy and painful, not just blood and happened over a few very intense hours not days. I couldn't move from the toilet. It wasn't at all similar to a period.

People saying it's better not to know.. No if you're going through infertility it's very important to know if you can get pregnant and then lose it, or just not get pregnant at all. It helps the Dr's you are working with narrow down what's wrong.

I can understand other people being insensitive, you don't know what she's been through. But her own mother being like that is pretty awful.

Early tests have their place but I do think a lot of people get very hung up on “chemical pregnancies”. I read a lot on the conception and pregnancy forums when TTC and you do get a lot of people saying they have “symptoms” and a line on test (that no one can see in the picture though) but they get their period either on exactly the correct day or maybe a day later so declare it a chemical pregnancy. You get people saying because their period came early (but had all negative tests) it was likely a chemical pregnancy. Some people have never tested but because they felt a bit off one day say they’ve had a chemical pregnancy. There’s people on the boards thinking they’ve have 3+ chemicals in a row despite the fact their period came on time, the tests don’t actually look positive in the photos and they never got a positive digital test. There’s people who have a heavier period than usual saying they’ve had a chemical pregnancy even though they never tested and are only thinking that because their period is heavier.

I have had a “chemical pregnancy” myself. Tested positive on 3 tests including a digital test but started bleeding 3 days later. It really sucks yes. And if this really does happen a lot it is good to know for further investigations. But as I said people are using the term too much when to be honest pregnancy has never been actually confirmed.

Also my chemical pregnancy was exactly like a late period to me. Everyone is different.

I wish I hadn't tested so early. Nobody accepted it. Even the doctor wouldn't take it seriously until I was 12 weeks so I had to wait a full 3 months wondering whether I was actually pregnant with a healthy baby or not. I had no other symptoms like morning sickness to go on - just these tests. I did 16 tests in total. Bonkers. Would have been nicer to find out a bit later on and go straight for the scan and have a nice 'congratulations' rather than just "nah, you'll probably have a miscarraige"

BTW had healthy boy now 10!

My mum said that to me after my chemical pregnancy, and I know she didn't mean it unkindly, but I'd been trying for 8 months and really, what she would have called it 30 years ago, was neither here nor there to me.
I had briefly been pregnant and I was so excited and delighted, then I lost the pregnancy. It was upsetting despite being so early.

Also, as another poster has experienced, it also turned out that I needed swift intervention in the very early stages of pregnancy to maintain the pregnancy. It was trial and error in the most gruesome way, but after 4 losses, I finally got my perfect girl three years ago. She wouldn't be here if it wasn't for early testing and close monitoring of timings.

She didn’t call it a late period. She said that prior to the availability of very early testing we’d have assumed it was a late period. In a sense bemoaning the fact that nowadays women have the extra sadness and disappointment associated with a very early positive test taken before the pregnancy is established. Sort of ignorance is bliss. It’s certainly debatable how useful it is to know before your period is even due, especially if there haven’t been ongoing fertility concerns, given how common it is.

Exactly this.

People insisting you relax is a kind of pressure, too, btw...

I don't think that was a very sympathetic response from her mother.

your friends daughter got excited about being pregnant only to have her hopes dashed and her mother be completely unsympathetic. Awful woman.

I can’t even imagine being so insensitive of your own child’s feelings when she will already be heartbroken.

Early testing has allowed me to take medication that led to subsequent successful pregnancies. Early testing allows people to identify a problem, when you were younger a pattern wouldn’t have been established to allow for necessary interventions.

Knowing early was useful because it meant I could work out I was getting pregnant but they weren't sticking

Yes agree. It is medically helpful to know whether you are conceiving but then losing vs never conceiving at all. Big upside to early testing.

Well a chemical pregnancy isn't a period now is it?

It's a real stress on a relationship if they are having trouble conceiving. No good telling anyone to relax and let it happen. A lot of the stress comes from knowing that there are ways of achieving a pregnancy other than simply letting nature take its course. Going through those procedures are an added pressure/disappointment. I'm in my 70s and I never managed a 2nd pregnancy. I'm lucky, my relationship came through, but for many, the strain breaks them. I was lucky in that I had one child. I'd never be dismissive of another person's disappointment.

Strange. I thought home pregnancy tests were readily available in pharmacies at least from the early 1970's

Whether it's Chemical or not to her daughter she had the positive and believed she was pregnant then it was taken away. It's really not a nice feeling and to her probably felt like a loss would to a woman who miscarried. I get the whole have fun trying. Been there. Wasn't testing and in the mind set it'll happen when it happens. Until it doesn't happen. I had fertility treatment for my first daughter and it was the most stress ive ever felt in my life. It took the fun and surprise away from us. Thankfully after 6 months it worked and 3 children without treatment after that closely followed all of which were a blessing. The disappointment when using those early detection tests though was horrendous when negative. There's a lot of pressure via social media to fall pregnant 1st time etc. Not that you have too but the fact that everything is documented and if it doesn't happen perfectly then the anxiety it must induce is awful. It really does spoil it for the younger generation.

We took a very long time to conceive, so of course we started tracking this and tracking that. I lost track of how many women thoughtlessly told me to 'just relax and have fun' followed by a tinkly laugh.

well I'd say her Mom was pretty insensitive. regardless of the fact you wouldn't have known you were pregnant, she did so then not being willing obviously be upsetting if she wants a baby.

I had a late heavy period like nothing I've had before or since, and I do wonder sometimes... but that isn't comparable to if I'd tested and it had been positive and then I'd had exactly the same experience as I had but knew it had been a "baby".

I do think the knowledge makes it harder for women, the testing 3 days early and how little we talk about miscarriage so that people dont think it's that common.

Why would you comment on someone else’s situation like that? Especially when they are obviously upset. Sometimes it better to keep quiet. Reminds me of my grandmother who used to comment to my sister that she was getting a bit fat (when she was upset about it and trying hard to lose weight - although only just overweight and growing up). She would say things like, ‘it’s not a criticism, only a comment!’

I'm 60 and I agree that early testing can mean a lot of unnecessary heartache. I had a couple of 'late periods' when I was ttc and I'm very glad tests were not sensitive enough back in the day so I can't say whether they were miscarriages or not. Dd2 had a very fraught journey to conceive her second dc after a traumatic ectopic pregnancy and did track her cycle. This was useful for her and obviously led to dgc but it was stressful. Dd1 is currently pregnant and she's a gynaecologist so didn't test until her period was a couple of weeks late just to be sure it was a sticky one.

Ignorance can be bliss if it happens once or twice but I'm glad I had confirmed positives as it happened to me again and again and again and again and again. With evidence of positive pregnancy tests, I was able to seek medical help which is the only reason why I finally stayed pregnant.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to have another one because the same thing kept on happening despite doing the same as before and then I also stopped getting pregnant when it was staying pregnant that was the issue before so we decided to be happy and grateful that we have 1 child and gave up on a 2nd.

And yet here you are still thinking about it.

OP this stuff isn't rational. As holders and monitors of life within our bodies us women have to navigate our own way through the extremes (literally, life and death) this presents as. I don't know that it's helpful to attempt to police how any woman does this. I can understand a mother wanting to offer guidance to a daughter, but it doesn't sound that's what's happening here. Further, I'm not sure what role you and the rest of your friends consider yourselves to have.

Tracking cycles and timing has been around forever. Testing makes it easier to know for sure now but my mother was tracking everything to have me (I was the 6th pregnancy and only live birth so she was getting desperate).

I don't think there is a golden "before we knew" time, just more access to tools to help those who want to be more informed.

Exactly, my MIL is in her late 70s and she was tracking and timing when she conceived 50 or so years ago when 'relaxing and having fun' wasn't working out.

I feel sorry for the daughter.

It's kind of like saying "oh, that non-event! We probably all had that happen scores of times and didn't bat an eyelid."

Apart from detracting from the distress, it also diminishes it as a pregnancy in her eyes - when she is probably grieving, yet still taking hope from feeling a pregnancy is more than a non-event.

Your friend may be factually incorrect but she was very insensitive. You need think very carefully what you say to a woman in this situation, especially your own daughter. I know from experience it's a very emotional time and insentive comments can make things worse and you do remember years later who said things like this. The daughter won't forget her mother's comments.