Are we just old school

[Highlandgal]

I was out with a group of friends and we got talking about pregnancy as one of her daughters is trying. Her daughter had what she said was a chemical pregnancy and her daughter got upset when she said in her day it would have been classed as a late period. It got us thinking that these days with all the various home tests that are available we feel for the younger generation that there’s pressure to have sex at certain times rather than just relax and have fun. Is this really the case or are we just old and not moved with the times. I’m not judging just curious.

One thought is that younger women and some older women are explaining why they feel it was insensitive but you only seem to relate with the comments that are in agreement with you. you are also very protective of your friend but not her dd who has had an early miscarriage. I do agree with the general idea of what you are saying about excessive testing being unhelpful in early stage of ttc etc, but maybe it was something your friend could have discussed to her dd in a few weeks time, not when she was initially confiding in her that she had had an early miscarriage.

Stating facts can be insulting when it’s done at an in appropriate time. If my mother has died and we are at her funeral and you say ‘well, 174,000 people die every day’ that is a fact… but it is also implying that I don’t have a right to be sad because loads of people die all the time.

Do you see how facts can at times be inappropriate?

There are pros and cons to early testing. This is one of the cons- you test positive on a chemical pregnancy and experience all the joy of a positive test and then the sorrow of losing it. If you hadn't tested you'd never have known.

So in a sense your friend is right. However she was spectacularly thoughtless to say it like that- if you think you are pregnant and are happy about it then of course it is heart-breaking if it's a chemical pregnancy. Her comment was really dismissive.

I had quite a fall out with my mother as she was very dismissing of my chemical pregnancies and indeed any of my miscarriages up to around 8/10 weeks as she said in her day you wouldn’t consider yourself pregnant until you missed 2 periods … it took me showing her scan videos of my babies with heartbeats at 6 weeks for her to reconsider her viewpoint

It may not come across like it but I can actually see both sides and on hindsight the comment could be construed by some as being insensitive however my friend is very supportive of her daughter and I do have sympathy for her daughter too. I guess what we were saying is sometimes ignorance is bliss and saves a lot of heartache for everyone, though I accept not everyone will agree and that’s fine.

I’m glad for early testing because it meant I could stop drinking (and in the case of my first child smoking) as soon as possible. I don’t drink loads but when I was pregnant with my second daughter we were booked to go to a three day tequila festival in a couple of weeks…. Definitely would not have been good for baby.

IDK though, my mum was 40 when she got pregnant with me (she thought I was the menopause lol) so she didn’t know until 4 months and I am completely fine. ASD but I think that’s because my dad was 50 and it runs in the family, I don’t think it’s down to my mum having a few wines while pregnant but they say even one glass can cause FAS.

I do think saying “oh that would just have been a late period back in my day” is a bit insensitive to someone who’s actively trying to convince.

I don’t think it’s old school versus new school. More that some couples are able to conceive by not thinking about it, “relaxing and just having fun”, but if you have irregular cycles and/or fertility issues, you need to approach it a bit more scientifically, ensuring you hit your fertile window etc. Also, if you have other kids, opportunities/energy(!) for DTD can sometimes be more limited so it helps if you make sure you hit the right time when you do get down to it.

Chemical Pregnancies are grim when they happen after a long time trying, and the one or two days of positive tests give you false hope before AF rocks up and snatches it away. To dismiss that as “just a late period” is cruel.

It doesn’t matter how far along in pregnancy you are, a wanted baby who is miscarried is a loss. This should be felt and acknowledged by everyone.
I’ve lost children in the first and third trimesters. They were my children and I feel both of their losses immensely.

My mum said the same thing to me when I miscarried at 6 weeks and I was devastated even though she was just stating facts and meant no harm but it was very thoughtless. Unfortunately this is a pattern and we aren't close generally, hopefully it was a one-off for your friend. I would not have been better off not knowing because we were about to launch into investigations so it meant we didn't have to go that route unless it happened repeatedly.

I am 60ish so it was a long time ago, there were no gadgets or anything other than a normal pregnancy test, but I was one of those who had watched friend after friend become pregnant while nothing happened for us and if there had been we would have tried them as it was it was a case of monitoring cycles and guessing, definitely not just relax and see which is what we had hoped for.

Even nowadays the “sensible” advice is to wait until you’re late so that pregnancy test lines are in no way unambiguous and it saves you squinting. (Not that I ever had the patience to wait 😂🙄)

A fact that didn’t really need to be stated though.

The intent doesn’t negate the level of insensitivity. For the daughter, it’s a loss. It was excitement and raised hopes and then sadness. Insensitivity should not be passed off as ‘old school’.

I’ve had a chemical pregnancy in Dec 2023.
It’s an early miscarriage (5-6 weeks) after a positive pregnancy test, and not a late period.
science and research has changed.

even though mine was a while ago and I’ve had a healthy baby since, if my mum even now said ‘it’s just a late period’ I would be upset, not very tactful at all. Just becuase back then you didn’t know you were pregnant until later, you do know earlier nowadays. Science has moved on. Her ‘late period’ also could have been a chemical.

This! As someone who suffered one late 2023 it’s so offensive to call it a late period. A positive test, the excitement (granted only lasted a week!) and then a loss. So insensitive

I found getting pregnant very straightforward 20+ years ago, but would never dismiss someone being upset about an early miscarriage or assume it meant nothing to them. Yes, perhaps these things are more detectable now which is a blessing and a curse, but you shouldn't make an assumption about someone's emotions and ask rather than tell them when it's a sensitive subject.

A chemical pregnancy is a very easy miscarriage. To the poor girl, it was a baby that didn’t survive. Some people may not understand, but that’s why she got upset

The fact isn’t factual tho. It’s scientifically incorrect.
a chemical pregnancy is an early pregnancy loss after a positive test
a late period is a late period
Perhaps it’s something if you haven’t experienced you can’t understand? And you’re biased towards your friend. Maybe in your day yes it was called a missed period but if it was a pregnancy loss (granted they didn’t know back then) that isn’t the same thing.

Mean comment (even if not meant with malice). I think if you’re trying and get a positive test then straight away you are in the mindset that you are pregnant. To then find out you’re not pregnant - well, everyone will take that differently. Either way, the hope and excitement is gone and you’re left wondering if it will happen again or if there is something wrong with you. To say it’s just a late period really minimises all the emotions that are wrapped up in that.

When I worked in a gp surgery you had to send off a urine sample to the lab only after you had missed two periods. This was 1991.

That’s what I had to do then wait on the phone call. My sons were born in 92/93.

Also, unless someone is pregnant there isn’t really any such thing as a “late period” as your luteal phase remains the same - so it either signifies late ovulation or an anovulatory cycle.

I had no idea home pregnancy tests were so recent. I guess I assumed they existed in the 90s, just that they were much less sensitive than today.

For me, yours would have been an early MC. I always defined CP as where you get a positive test, that then disappears around AF day or a day or so later.

My first pregancy was 2007. Even then, the doctors did a lab test to confirm pregnancy on top of the home test.
They didnt in my second pregnancy in 2010.

I had a lot of chemicals. Knowing early was useful because it meant I could work out I was getting pregnant but they weren't sticking. So I started taking aspirin and I now have DS. but I'm fairly stoic and although I found it frustrating I wasn't in a heap on the floor thinking I'd lost a life or anything. I saw it as a medical conundrum.