Are we just old school

[Highlandgal]

I was out with a group of friends and we got talking about pregnancy as one of her daughters is trying. Her daughter had what she said was a chemical pregnancy and her daughter got upset when she said in her day it would have been classed as a late period. It got us thinking that these days with all the various home tests that are available we feel for the younger generation that there’s pressure to have sex at certain times rather than just relax and have fun. Is this really the case or are we just old and not moved with the times. I’m not judging just curious.

I once read that at least one in 6 early pregnancies will miscarry. I do agree that very early testing can lead to a lot of heartbreak. My dd lost her first pregnancy very early on - with the 2nd she made it to the 8 week scan, only to be told that there was no heartbeat, and suffered the miscarriage several days later. So that was devastating, but she went on to have 3 healthy babies.

In my (very ancient) day, you were supposed to wait at least 2 months, and then produce a urine sample for the GP. However despite no available tests, I knew very early on with my first - not just the obvious missed period, but a very noticeable tingling in just my right boob, and so far I’ve never heard of anyone else experiencing this.

I had exactly the same with my 2nd, at around the 6 week mark.

Your friend sounds hugely insensitive rather than 'old school'. Her daughter tested and went through all the excitement and emotion of knowing she was pregnant. Then she was not. Surely even someone with a very average IQ can work out that calling it a 'late period' to that person isn't the ideal response?!!

When I was trying many moons ago I had a couple of late periods that were quite heavy. Thinking back, could I have been pregnant quite possibly but like you I didn’t dwell on it. As you say better off not knowing.

It's up to the woman what a late period/chemical pregnancy is called, but one thing is for sure, if you're telling your mother you had a chemical pregnancy/ pregnancy loss and you're upset about it, her telling you to shut up about it because women in her day didn't mind when it was that early is a total dick move. Plain cruel rather than Old School.

Well yes that’s a really nasty thing to say to someone you love who wants a baby and has found out that she lost a baby, even very early. You can’t see that that’s a really thoughtless and mean thing to say?

‘Oh sorry dear, but your pain and sadness is pathetic and doesn’t count because in my day we couldn’t identify such losses so grow up and get over it.’

That’d exactly our thinking. You’re right about the comment. I know my friend and it wouldn’t have been said with any intent to hurt. Just stating a fact.

Where does the poster say the mum told her DD to shut up and get over it. She mentioned to her DD that in her day she wouldn’t have known it was a miscarriage, doesn’t mean she also wasn’t sympathetic to her DD.

I certainly think there's an over-problematisation of conception going on. I feel a bit sad when I see women who are starting TTC and are taking all the supplements and using all the apps and taking their temperature to ensure its the right moment. I mean, by all means do that if its been 6+ months or maybe if you're starting in your 40s when it could be harder. But it sounds like a lot of stress otherwise and already you see women who are 30 worrying about whether they've left it late and it's going to be impossible without lots of intervention.

I also wouldn't test early as m/c is so common, but as has been says, some people have reason to. This fact that one on 3 or 4 pregnancies miscarry needs to be much more publicised in general than it is so people realise it does not necessarily presage ongoing disaster for carrying to term if it happens.

I’m probably about 6 to 7 years younger than you so am a contemporary. I do think that is insensitive and I’m the first to think people need to toughen up a bit these days as so many are offended so easily.

I think early testing is unhelpful I also think telling anyone you are trying is quite frankly nuts and adds extra pressure. But I find the sort of over sharing of so much these days also just not for me.

Every generation, these days, is medical obsessed. Testing for this, predicting that, preventing this and that. It seems to them to be very practical but it comes across as neurotic.

So, yeah, maybe we're too old.

I can't be bothered worrying about things all the time.

im 36, honestly why can’t people in their 60’s accept understanding and education has moved on. Disgusting comment from her mother. Her pregnancy didn’t progress. End of. It wasn’t a late period what a way to be crushed by your own mother during a vulnerable time.

That’s how such a comment comes across. She doesn’t have to say the actual words for such a dismissive comment to come across as telling her to shut up and get over it.

May God talk about twisting things. Where have I said she told her daughter to shut up? She was actually very supportive and understood. There was no malice intended. She was just stating a fact.

I agree early testing may well be causing a lot of heartbreak - albeit, presumably pre early testing women with regular cycles would have known their ‘late period’ was probably a chemical pregnancy presumably…?

Regarding ‘just relax and have fun’ - easy to say when you’re not in the depths of failing to conceive. I think I started on the tracking methods after about 10 negative cycles in a row. We have the tools to help us - why not use them?

I am 34, and I have had losses and two living children.

I agree with you, unless instructed by your doctor there is no need for testing 4 or 5 days before your period is due. We are too over excited with a need to know culture. I feel the same way about finding out babies sex at 20 weeks (or earlier) unless there is a medical reason to find out just wait.

I think you are right, and your friend was right but definitely should have kept it to herself in that situation. The only correct response ti her daughter was Oh I’m sorry.

If you're just very late, it isn't a baby though is it? It's a clump of cells.

It's the possibility of a baby in a couple of months.

Fuck me that was a hugely insensitive thing for her mum to say to her..

Nothing to do with being old school and more about your friend being insensitive to her daughter.
Just because YOU “didn’t dwell on it” when you may have experienced something similar when you were younger, doesn’t mean this poor girl isn’t upset and disappointed. You and your mate both seem insensitive. But you’re covering it up by describing yourselves as old school.

@MidnightPatrol I’d never heard the term chemical pregnancy until I came on MN and well after my TTC time. However, now looking back I think I probably had a couple which I had dismissed as odd periods as so near the usual time for a period. And so it meant no distress thinking they were miscarriages. And we weren’t so far down the TTC that there was upset that I had a period. We were still in the stop contraception see what happens time.

It’s not a question of education and understanding; women in their 60s who are online will very likely be familiar with the concept of chemical pregnancy and the medicalisation of conception. Biology hasn’t moved on. The chances of early miscarriage or failed implantation remain the same. The emotional response to it has changed in a not very healthy way.

Many early pregnancies fail and the woman goes on to have healthy babies. It’s nature. In hindsight the comment may seem insensitive, but the likelihood is that the mother will be sad and protective of her daughter and her response was instinctive. At this stage the daughter gained nothing positive from knowing that fertilisation had occurred but that a pregnancy hadn’t established. That’s what happened. It happens frequently.

Your response however is unkind and shows a fairly typical disparaging attitude towards older women which is unfortunately prevalent on this site.

Even if your friend thought it, and that would have been how it was described years ago, why say it to any woman, let alone your own daughter, who you know is trying to conceive? Irs a stressful and emotional time if peoole gave fertility issues, so it was tactless and thoughtless of your friend to blurt out whst was in her head, and I don't wonder her daughter was upset. She'll probably be saying to you next, my daughter never tells me anything and will wonder why. Is it kind and is it necessary? Two questions to ask yourself before you open your mouth to people on a sensitive subject.

Her and her daughter are very close. Once my friend explained her daughter understood that it was not meant in a dismissive or disrespectful way more of how it used to be classed as rightly or wrongly.

I'm not twisting it. I'm explaining what it must have felt like to be the daughter at that point. My mum always used to say 'never mind' about stuff that I DID mind about. It shuts you down even if you know you can't change whatever the thing is. If you tell your mum about what feels to you like a pregnancy loss and she says it was not a pregnancy loss is effectively telling her to shut up and that is presumably why the daughter was upset.

Even if your friend thought it, and that would have been how it was described years ago, why say it to any woman, let alone your own daughter, who you know is trying to conceive? Irs a stressful and emotional time if peoole gave fertility issues, so it was tactless and thoughtless of your friend to blurt out whst was in her head, and I don't wonder her daughter was upset. She'll probably be saying to you next, my daughter never tells me anything and will wonder why. Is it kind and is it necessary? Two questions to ask yourself before you open your mouth to people on a sensitive subject.