If you separated from your partner now, what custody split would you choose if it was up to you?

[Electriceelslunch]

….If your kids are primary age, you trust your partner 100% with them, they can meet all their needs, and they have a good relationship with them. And if the custody split was your decision?

My dd is an adult now, but if DH and I had split when she was younger, I would have wanted 100% custody! That wouldn't have been fair to dh or dd, obviously, and I wouldn't ever have pushed for it. But it is what I would have ideally wanted!

50/50. My husband is an incredible father and anything less would be a disservice to him. I detest it when women use their kids as weapons. I could not imagine the pain of going through a divorce and then only being able to see my boy every weekend or fortnight. It would be like a knife to my heart.

50:50, I separated a good few years ago. I always wanted 50:50. For the DC, they are entitled to a relationship with their Dad, he is a great Dad. Just not a great husband.

EOW + one weeknight.
Consequences of divorce are difficult for children , it is hard to decide what’s in their best interest.
I personally haven’t seen many happy children who have been through 50:50 arrangements, nor I would have wanted that for my own DC.

I'm not sure. Id like to think I'd want 50;50 but because i have do every meal, bathtime, hair wash and all the homework, housework, laundry and life admin i dont think it would be in their best interests. I think EOW and 1 night mid week would be more appropriate.

50:50 - which is exactly what we did. That’s what the kids wanted too, it was discussed with them.

DH and I split for around a year and he was the perfect disney dad. Wanted 50/50 but then wouldn't feed/bath them and rang me to deal with them when they were hungry and overtired. It was the main reason that I let him come home, the dread of him being in sole charge overrode my feelings.

50/50 because my DP is a good dad and my DS would be devastated to see him less than that, in fact my DS would probably struggle only seeing his dad 50% of the time.

I am divorced, and I wanted a 50/50 but unfortunately he can’t have her 50/50. He has her every other weekend.

We do 50/50, but honestly we'd both prefer more time. I have to admit I find it frustrating when my ex has DD but chooses to work from home while she plays on screens all day, and sometimes I arrange to take her so she's not doing that. But I do see that my ex also misses her.

Sat watching my husbands interactions with her whilst I'm having a coffee I wouldn't dream of him having less than 50:50 he is the natural parent in this relationship.

50/50 if it worked out well if work schedules etc.

50/50 would have been my dream.

I'd want weekends so I could see them without the school stuff and routine and have full days being a Disney mum

Definitely 50/50. I don’t think I’m necessarily the better or more competent parent. I think we’re both pretty solid (well, hence why we are happily married and not splitting!). I certainly wouldn’t want to do all the parenting while he only did every other weekend. I would be run ragged and the kids would benefit far more from having two fully engaged parents who aren’t exhausted, rather than one doing everything and a twice a month dad. Dh definitely would want 50/50 too as he’s a great really involved dad.

Again, this all goes back to the point about this is why we aren’t splitting up. I suspect in relationships that are ending, one or both of the parents has checked out to a degree and 50/50 may not be the best.

Thanks for all the input. I think I should have asked a different question. What I was wondering really was if you do currently do 50/50, do you miss your kids a lot or do you appreciate the break? It might be both but which is the strongest feeling? I’ve been doing 50/50 with my ex for the past year. He’s a great dad and I do think it’s what’s best for the kids but I miss them so much. They’re only 5 & 7 so I do appreciate the break but I’d much rather have a shorter break - say a 70/30 split. The younger one also cries everytime he has to leave me as he’s very attached to me, but when I ask if he likes living half the time with me and half with his dad he always says yes. I’ve asked him if he’d prefer to live with me more but he always says no he likes it as it is, and his dad tells me he’s always fine as soon as I’ve gone but it’s heartbreaking seeing him so upset and begging to stay with me. I think he just struggles with the handover but I never really know cos he’s too young to really express how he actually feels about it

Honestly? DH is a better parent than me, so if I was actually being honest with myself about what would be best for DC, it would be more time with him.

Honestly I wish I'd had 100% from the start, so I wouldn't have had to watch him slowly slipping out of her life until she hardly sees him. Would have been much less painful for everyone.

I miss them but appreciate the down time equally. I work full time so it allows me to focus on work more when i don’t have them.

50/50 sounds hard at the ages your DC are at, especially with a 5 year old. They are still very reliant on Mum at that age.

Would your ex re-negotiate to a 70/30 split over the next 2 years?

I would have no question with DH having 50/50 from either his or my POV. I do think it would be far too disruptive for the children though. My kids thrived on structure and routine - one of the fundamentals of that is having one home, one bedroom, absolute consistency. I know it works for lots of people, I'm just answering that on my own kids, so if we had separated when the kids were young we would have had to work a far more complex arrangement than just 50/50. I can’t see how it would have worked, but thankfully it wasn’t an issue for us.

I totally agree I don’t think 50/50 is on the best interests of the children.

It's hard to imagine it because I try to in my head and then just think, but why wouldn't we just get back together?

We'd probably do the 2-2-5-5 thing because I think that offers the stability of the children always knowing where they are on weekdays but quality time with both parents.

I notice that whenever people say 50:50 isn't good for the children, they never interpret that to mean that the other parent should have the majority of the time and they should just get odd evenings and weekends.

I'm always confused when people say that a child of a certain age (beyond breastfeeding age) "needs" Mum more. Why? My daughter is just as likely to go to her Dad as me for anything. Why your gender makes any difference to your ability to put a plaster on a grazed knee, comb hair or read a bedtime story, I do not know.

OP kindly because it is so hard.. dont ask 7 and 5 year olds if they want more time with you. Its not fair to put that on him.

I do 50/50 on a 2 2 5 5 which works really well for my kids. We dont have any handovers to each other its all to school and from school. Do you have to do physical handovers? Can you change that to support your youngest.

What do you do in your downtime? Any hobbies, activities trip.

I very rarely stay at home when my kids aren't there. I find it easiest to keep busy and do things for me.

You say yourself he is a good and loving dad therefore your concerns are for you not your kids. It is really tough but it does get easier.

We do the same as this it’s 50:50 but over a 2:2:5:5 it works for us, they always know where they are on weekdays