If you separated from your partner now, what custody split would you choose if it was up to you?

[Electriceelslunch]

….If your kids are primary age, you trust your partner 100% with them, they can meet all their needs, and they have a good relationship with them. And if the custody split was your decision?

This was exactly my situation and I did 50/50. My kids dad is brilliant, and my kids are extremely happy, well adjusted, and have a great relationship with both of us.

I agree- from OP's post it sounds more like the crying is because the 5 yo is picking up on Mummy's reluctance to let him go and that's causing anxiety.

There's a big difference between being child-led in appropriate areas and asking children to choose between their parents which is what you're effectively doing when you ask 5 and 7 year olds to weigh in on a custody split.

I am not sure you would have liked that. My xH never turned up for his weekends and I did end up with DD 100%.

With respect, you only know a tiny bit of the situation with my kids - what I’ve written in this post. I would never let my kids see me being reluctant or upset to let them go! Where did you get that from?? That would just make them more upset. I stick a big smile on my face, am very encouraging about all the things they’re going to do with their dad and try and make goodbyes as brief and positive as possible. It makes no difference.

And I am not asking my kids to ‘choose between their parents’. Jeeez no need to be so dramatic. When I’ve got my 5-year-old bawling his eyes out hours before he has to go to his dad’s and begging to stay with me, sometimes physically clinging to me and refusing to let go, I’m obviously going to ask him if something’s making him not want to go to his dad’s and if he’s happy living half the time with me & half with his dad. I asked him that question when he was calm and not about to go to his dad’s btw, so I could get an accurate answer. I needed to get to the bottom of why my child’s unhappy. That’s what a responsible parent would do, not ignore it when there could be a genuine reason he’s unhappy there. Is that what you’d do? Cos that would be really irresponsible. Now I know it’s just the handovers he struggles with, I don’t need to worry about him being unhappy at his dad’s and I can deal with the meltdowns more appropriately. Do you have a separated family and understand how difficult all this stuff is to balance?

My stepdaughter lives with her Mum most of the time so yes, I know it's difficult.

However, kids pick up on your anxiety and there's clearly a lot of it.

It really isn’t. I don’t have any anxiety about them going to their dad’s, or sadness. I start missing them after they’ve been gone for a day or two. When I actually hand them over, if anything I feel slightly relieved that I’ll get to have that night to myself after being exhausted from work and not have to do the bedtime routine. It’s while they’re away that I miss them. I only ever show positivity and enthusiasm in the lead up to the handover. I want my youngest to feel happy and excited about going there. I want what’s best for my kids & for them to be happy all the time, not just when they’re with me. As if I’d be behaving anxiously and like I didn’t want them to go 🙄 that’d make me a really shitty, selfish parent. Don’t start inventing behaviour that puts the blame onto me when it doesn’t exist. I try and make handovers as positive as I possibly can. It’s very normal for a 5-year-old to not like being separated from his mum. I’ve been his primary carer his whole life, we have an extremely tight bond. My 7-year-old is fine with it cos he’s at an age where he’s more independent and less attached to me.

That’s great to hear. Did you miss them at first and then did it get easier or did you always miss them? Or were you glad of the time to yourself and didn’t find yourself missing them that much? I do appreciate the time to myself but I really struggle after the first couple of days

We were on the verge of splitting up earlier this year so we discussed it.

We both agreed that we didn't want DD to leave her home. DH agreed to get a flat round the corner and keep our current routine in terms of childcare responsibilities (which are split 50/50) by coming back and forth to the family home. He completely accepts that although we both love our daughter equally and she loves us, it's me she wants when she's ill or needs something in the night and he didn't want to deprive her of that comfort.

If he hadn't agreed to that, then I would have moved out so that DD could stay in the family home. I totally accept that this would only work because we're amicable, no other parties are involved and finances allow.

Honestly? I still miss them. It's easier now they're older (mid and late teens). I'm not saying there isn't now an occasional time where I exhale when they've gone to their dads and enjoy having a tidy house to myself for a few hours, or being able to meet friends / go the gym or whatever, guilt free, but it's short lived. I would always rather have them here. Although I do love now that I can arrange a weekend away or a holiday and have guilt free time just for my husband and me.

It was harder when they were little. Christmases and birthdays have been especially difficult. But it's not just about me, it's about them, and their dad too. You have to just suck it up unfortunately. Use the time to get all your boring jobs done, so the time with them is dedicated to them. Show them how delighted you are when they're back and don't let them see you cry when they leave. It's normal to struggle x

50/50...i want a life too where I can go out without needing to organise a babysitter!

I think it's really tough to genuinely consider the children. 50/50 feels like it should be right, but as an adult, really who'd want to live like that, backwards and forwards between homes?

For example, it is interesting that PP says anything less than 50/50 would be a diservice to her DC's father, but is that the issue that matters most?

IME of working with troubled teens (so a group who are be definition struggling with many things in their lives), they tend to be people pleasers who want to believe that 50/50 is fair and correct, the parents often have no reason to believe that it's not and that the children aren't happy with it, but it is often identified as a root of feelings of insecurity, which lead to some of their other difficulties.

My db managed 50:50 with his ex. Quite hilariously she had an affair with the next door neighbour so for the first 12 months she lived in the house next door with her lover, until they found a house a bit further away! I can’t even imagine how tricky that was for my poor db.

Anyway kids were 5 and 8 at the time of the affair/separation and they coped fine. I guess knowing dad or mum was just next door made it easier. Pretty unusual arrangement though!!!

If 50:50, I'd go with nesting, where the kids stay in the family home and the parents take turns living there.

If this isn't possible, EOW and one or two weekday afternoons/evenings every week, kids need their own homes, my DS complained that he felt like a parcel being shunted between us.

My best friend researched this when her marriage broke down and came away feeling very strongly that her kids would ultimately do better with a primary home. They had an extended EOWeekend thing with tea at dad's with 50/50ish in the hols. I'm not saying 50/50 can't work, but this is what the research seemed to say at the time and it chimed for her knowing her own children's characters.

Like @Roundhands said, I think the research was not so much whether they were happy day to day but longer term outcomes when they are adults. But it may have been superseded by now.

Genuinely just tough to know what to do for the best with a 5 year old though.

If you get on super well you could look at nesting. It seems incredibly hard on the parents though.

We would nest, but we’re very fortunate that we could afford to do that with a good standard of living for everyone.

DD3’s medical needs, equipment and input from nurses and carers mean her moving between homes wouldn’t be remotely practical.

If DH kept his current job, which he likely would as it gives everyone a very high standard of living then we’d do 70/30 as that’s what his job would allow. If he changed then it would be 50/50.

We split up for a short while several years ago so I kinda know how we work. I also would have no qualms about him having the kids 50% as he was a widowed single parent when I met him and hes a very hands on dad to our kids.

I have DC 100% of the time. Their other parent abandoned us and has never had overnight access due to DV. In an ideal world I’d have had DC with a grown up.
a number of families I know split 50/50, 1 week at dad’s the next at mum’s. In an ideal situation I’d do that

Nesting sounds awful to me, but it is essentially what is asked of children in 50/50 arrangements.

EOW it’s what I would have wanted as a child of divorced parents. Most time with mum

This is what parents would have preferred, it’s refreshing to see so many wanting 50/50 I felt like the only mum that actually would have preferred 50/50 😂

50/50 is not ideal for kids usually. They should have a stable primary carer/home. Rather than be shuttled about to meet adult wants.

I also want 50/50, but obviously I’m the money grabbing unreasonable ex, who offers zero flexibility and I’m completely uncooperative who actually has 80/20. 80% being the parenting Monday - Friday parent and his 20% being the fun weekend dad. 🙄

I think this is a question that can only be answered by people who have actually separated. It's easy to think when you're in a marriage that 50/50 is the obvious way to go, but relationships break down in unpredictable ways.

You don't know how you'd really feel. You don't know what the housing situation would look like, you don't know whether your ex would be single or move someone in straight away, you don't know if that someone will be good to your children, you don't know if your children will end up in a blended family for their time with the other parent and how they would cope with that.

How do you know we are not separated? I am

literally says in the post “you trust your partner 100% with them, they can meet all their needs, and they have a good relationship with them” so all the things you mentioned aren’t relevant

50:50 because it’s the only fair solution. DH and I work FT and earn similar salaries so there’s no one at home more or any real excuse to have one person take on the bulk.

It's not about what's 'fair' - it's about what is the right solution for the children. Given their lives have been messed up already, what's the best thing to do for them. That's do able for the parents.