Page 3 | If you separated from your partner now, what custody split would you choose if it was up to you?

Electriceelslunch · 2026-05-20T08:01:12+00:00

….If your kids are primary age, you trust your partner 100% with them, they can meet all their needs, and they have a good relationship with them. And if the custody split was your decision?

Original poster

Electriceelslunch · 22/05/2026 10:26

UltimateSloth · 21/05/2026 17:19

I think this is a question that can only be answered by people who have actually separated. It's easy to think when you're in a marriage that 50/50 is the obvious way to go, but relationships break down in unpredictable ways.

You don't know how you'd really feel. You don't know what the housing situation would look like, you don't know whether your ex would be single or move someone in straight away, you don't know if that someone will be good to your children, you don't know if your children will end up in a blended family for their time with the other parent and how they would cope with that.

This 100%. Especially people who aren’t separated saying they’d do nesting and suggesting anything else would be unfair on the child. That seems incredibly naive and not at all thought-through. Even if you’re in a position to afford to run 2 or 3 households, you have no idea the circumstances that might be involved in a break-up. There could be new partners who one parent wants to move in with, the other partner may have kids of their own, you may find nesting completely miserable. One parent may refuse to do it. It’s a fine balance and there’s downsides to all arrangements. 50/50 means the kids don’t have one permanent home but it does mean they get equal time with both parents, which is positive if that’s what the kids want. EOW means they get a permanent home but miss out on a huge chunk of their life with the other parent. I think the most important thing is, at least for kids who are old enough, to ask what they want and keep checking in with them to make sure they’re happy with the arrangement.

I was a 50/50 two home kid and I was miserable but I don’t think it was cos of the split homes. My parents separated when I was 10 and I still always felt that my home was the family home where my mum stayed, even though I spent half the time at my dad’s, I never felt at home there. But I think that was cos my dad lived with a new partner from the beginning and never really made me feel at home there. There was also abuse in both homes and neither home was the safe sanctuary it was supposed to be. My kids were much younger when my ex and I separated so it’s all they’ve really known. I’d have been happy to do nesting but my ex refused. We both try our best to make each home feel like their home, all you can do is make the best of the situation really

OP posts:

ImImmortalNowBabyDoll · 22/05/2026 10:37

Electriceelslunch · 22/05/2026 10:26

This 100%. Especially people who aren’t separated saying they’d do nesting and suggesting anything else would be unfair on the child. That seems incredibly naive and not at all thought-through. Even if you’re in a position to afford to run 2 or 3 households, you have no idea the circumstances that might be involved in a break-up. There could be new partners who one parent wants to move in with, the other partner may have kids of their own, you may find nesting completely miserable. One parent may refuse to do it. It’s a fine balance and there’s downsides to all arrangements. 50/50 means the kids don’t have one permanent home but it does mean they get equal time with both parents, which is positive if that’s what the kids want. EOW means they get a permanent home but miss out on a huge chunk of their life with the other parent. I think the most important thing is, at least for kids who are old enough, to ask what they want and keep checking in with them to make sure they’re happy with the arrangement.

I was a 50/50 two home kid and I was miserable but I don’t think it was cos of the split homes. My parents separated when I was 10 and I still always felt that my home was the family home where my mum stayed, even though I spent half the time at my dad’s, I never felt at home there. But I think that was cos my dad lived with a new partner from the beginning and never really made me feel at home there. There was also abuse in both homes and neither home was the safe sanctuary it was supposed to be. My kids were much younger when my ex and I separated so it’s all they’ve really known. I’d have been happy to do nesting but my ex refused. We both try our best to make each home feel like their home, all you can do is make the best of the situation really

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I agree with that.

I don't think nesting makes a lot of sense. People say that it's fairer for the adults to move between houses, but I don't think it is.

If I was going to go from one house to another and when I got there, everything was exactly as I left it in my room, I had a wardrobe of clean clothes washed by someone else, the fridge was stocked with the food I liked and all the bills and admin were handled by someone else, I'd be fine with it, but that's not how it works for an adult.

IWasTangoed · 22/05/2026 11:12

It's currently about 95:5 split at the moment! I'm present at the :5 as ex has no clue how to lookafter them. Kid is happy to see dad so I carry on arranging fun activities for them to do together. Just feel I can't deny my child contact with his own dad, even if I would rather break contact.

If I had a competent ex who knew how to look after our child, I would welcome their involvement in our child's life and maybe have time for a side hustle!

UltimateSloth · 22/05/2026 13:03

ImImmortalNowBabyDoll · 22/05/2026 10:37

I agree with that.

I don't think nesting makes a lot of sense. People say that it's fairer for the adults to move between houses, but I don't think it is.

If I was going to go from one house to another and when I got there, everything was exactly as I left it in my room, I had a wardrobe of clean clothes washed by someone else, the fridge was stocked with the food I liked and all the bills and admin were handled by someone else, I'd be fine with it, but that's not how it works for an adult.

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Even without the practical considerations, divorce is hellishly expensive and the number of families who could afford to keep the original family home plus two other homes must be very small. I guess you and your ex could share a flat on a rotating basis (although even that might be unaffordable), but that would be very awkward - especially if one or both of you have a partner or if your ex was an absolute slacker in terms of household tasks and that was one of the reasons you divorced him - imagine having to move every week into a dirty, untidy home, clean up after your ex and then next week move into the other and do it all again!

It's not workable for most families.

ImImmortalNowBabyDoll · 22/05/2026 13:24

UltimateSloth · 22/05/2026 13:03

Even without the practical considerations, divorce is hellishly expensive and the number of families who could afford to keep the original family home plus two other homes must be very small. I guess you and your ex could share a flat on a rotating basis (although even that might be unaffordable), but that would be very awkward - especially if one or both of you have a partner or if your ex was an absolute slacker in terms of household tasks and that was one of the reasons you divorced him - imagine having to move every week into a dirty, untidy home, clean up after your ex and then next week move into the other and do it all again!

It's not workable for most families.

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Yes exactly- you still have all the arguments over domestic chores, bill splitting and DIY decisions but without any of the positives of actually being in a couple! And in the flat share situation, you have no private space. Unlike a child who has two bedrooms in two homes and their own personal space in each one.

Cookingandfoldingthings · 22/05/2026 13:50

He can have the dog, I’ll keep the cat.

DC are all grown up now & can choose who to see when - I’m guessing there will be a trend in one direction or the other depending on whether their requirements are related to food or sport.

ImpatientlyWaitingForSummer · 22/05/2026 14:28

It would break my heart but 50:50 is what would be best for my children, they absolutely adore their dad. I would selfishly want 100% though, I don’t know how I would cope with seeing them for only half of their life