Why has this upset me so much?

[MyDogIsBetterThanYou]

I am a surgeon and am not usually phased by anything. When I’m at work absolutely nothing gets to me in the moment. I am focused on doing my job, things can go wrong and I just fix them.

Today I was driving on the motorway and saw and heard the most horrific crash I’ve ever seen. It felt like it was in complete slow motion. It was on the opposite carriageway to me so I couldn’t stop safely and help, so I immediately called 999 and told the police dispatcher, there was an awful accident and gave the what 3 words thing as I was on the hard shoulder. At the end of the call I said to her she need ambos and fire and she asked why so I reiterated lorry v 3 cars with traffic trying to drive round the cars that had hit each other.

I got back on my way and the ambulance rang me and asked me more information and I repeated I wasn’t at the scene I was on the opposite carriageway and I suspected 5+ casualties. I think I must have been the first person to call 999 as it quite literally was still happening as I was on the phone.

I got to the restaurant and I realised I felt really shaken by it, I googled it out of interest and the motorway was closed and still is.

I feel so shaken up by it, still even like 8 hours later. I felt so calm on the phone but I was probably not very calm!

I just don’t know who to speak to ? I wish I was able to help more. I just knew immediately it was bad. Has anyone else experience something similar?

OP I hope you are able to take some time to recover from this.

Undoubtedly shocking - I've been first on the scene at an accident and I'm afraid I phoned the local GP and started shouting at them - utterly irrational and not really my finest moment, but I was in shock.

It's a very different scenario than your work, which is a completely different context and with different parameters and your role is different.

In addition, resonses can be hugely affected by other circumstances at the time - if we were already stressed about other things, or immunity is low, or a thousand other factors. It could be a straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak.

So don't discount it or question it too much - you've been traumatised and need to look after yourself.

What you witnessed was truly shocking and awful, sending hugs. Well done for being on the ball though, you may well have saved some folk with your prompt calling.

I once witnessed someone who'd just gone through the windscreen (passenger side, presume wasn't wearing a seatbelt) and people stopping not knowing what to do. The poor chap, am pretty sure was dead, will never forget what his body looked like and it stayed with me a long time. This was by Wisley on the A3, just after the garden place.

I came upon a car crash once on a minor road, I was working as a domicilliary care assistant at the time. Thankfully although the cars were badly damaged, the occupants were talking and conscious and someone had already phoned 999. My biggest panic was that I was in a uniform but bugger all use unless someone needed a tablet or their incontinence pad changing. I stayed until the Police arrived, and just calmed one of the passengers down who was in a bit of shock. It was really horrible though to come across, and stayed with me for days afterwards.

EMDR. hold the image in your mind, and whilst thinking about it look from left to right fairly quickly. Do it about 20 times. Then stop and breathe. Then try again.
look from corner to corner if that helps.
it’s reprocessing the trauma of witnessing something awful but being on the outside and powerless.
if you can get to an EMDR therapist soon that would be good

You witnessed a horrible accident and your completely normal reaction is to be upset. Good.
You are calm at work in what can be a high stress situation. Good.
You’re Ok.

When you're at work, you're in the zone and expect the unexpected and stress (I imagine in your line of work!); this was totally unexpected for you and a shock. My DD witnessed an awful motorway accident when she was little: she kept talking about it which I thought wasn't great but in fact, it is apparently the right thing to do.

I also think this is about your not being in control of this situation. Boom! It just happened, totally out of the blue in an uncontrolled environment. You work in a very controlled environment - the complete opposite. Obviously I don't know your specialism but you probably work in the same sets of rooms (theatres & wards) with the same team(s) of people, the same tools, maybe with the same music playing. You know what to do. But the RTA - something else.

Your reaction is normal and completely human. Do go and talk to someone: does your Trust have any counsellors?

I suspect it has a lot to do with the fact that in your every day life or that of your colleagues you may treat the consequences of crashes like this, but not be witness to or really have to think about the reality of how they came by their injuries.

That and it simply a really shocking thing to witness. A colleague of mine developed severe PTSD after a witnessing and assisting at the scene of a serious road accident. Don't underestimate the impact it will have on you and seek all the help to process it that you can. It's fantastic that you have easy access to it.

Sorry that happened to you OP it sounds very upsetting. I had a similar yet different situation once and had a very similar reaction. I’m an ICU charge nurse, been there 15 years and there’s not much I’ve not seen or dealt with. Nothing phases me, emergencies are a daily occurrence. I was driving home and a poor soul jumped from the bridge above me onto the hard shoulder, it was late at night and I was able to stop and get to him and start CPR, I continued until the trauma crew arrived and assisted with ALS (including bilateral chest drains, which I couldn’t believe was happening roadside, it felt so surreal!). I was so shaken afterwards and couldn’t sleep for days, I had flashbacks.

I put it down to the fact that when things go horribly wrong at work I’m in an area of safety, with a team I trust and resources to call on. It’s totally different when you’re out of uniform on your own. Be kind to yourself it sounds like you stayed calm and done exactly what needed to be done and realistically you couldn’t have done anymore.

You’re bound to be shaken up, OP, perhaps particularly so because of what you see in the course of your job. I do hope the shock effect will diminish soon.

I was once driving down the busy M3 on the way to see my elderly DM, late afternoon, blinding sun, plus there had recently been heavy rain, so the road was very wet.

Literally just as I was thinking that people in the fast lane were driving far too fast and too close! - for the conditions, a car immediately on my right smashed into the car in front of it so fast, it ended up half on top of it.

Obviously I could only carry on - if I’d stopped there would have been a pile-up in my lane, too.

But I was certainly very shaken - couldn’t stop wondering about anyone in the back of the car that was piled into - and ever since then have had a real Thing about driving too close! as well as too fast.

I’m not a surgeon (and thank you for all you do btw!) but I would think your whole raison d’etre is to solve the medical issue in front of you.

Medical problem - you can solve it.

This was a medical problem that you could have ‘solved’ (certainly helped) but you weren’t able to. Problem with no solution.

So I would guess it’s a loop you can’t close and it feels horrible knowing you could have. Never ending problem without solution (biy of course the people got help).

Be kind to yourseld - you did everything you could.

Are you proud of yourself for that comment? Why would you kick someone who has asked for help? Pathetic behaviour.
OP I hope you are ok. You may have saved lives with your quick actions.

Oh hun, you sound amazing. It's ok to go to pieces! It's was an awful thing to witness and to be part of.
Hug someone you love a bit too long today x

Sending love and hugs, op. I don't really have any solid advice, but I saw your post at 4am while I was wide awake (thanks periM) and just wanted to lend some support. You're in shock. Take good care of yourself.

It would be awful to see and hear. Then not to be able to do anything. Especially if you know you possibly could help.

Work can be controlled to an extent. You know your surgery schedule and what to expect. Or if you are an emergency surgeon (probably wrong term!) you are immediately brought up to speed on the full situation. Then go in and do your job which you are good at. You know you have done what was needed and expected of you and that nothing more could be done.

A car crash, is totally unpredictable, uncontrollable and realistically probably very little you could do. It leaves a feeling of no control. Then there are awful after thoughts like - that person was just going to do something and now they are gone while I am just carrying on my day.

Good decision to call the work help line. Talk this out.
You did everything you could in the situation

I think particularly with your profession, it’s not just what you’ve witnessed, but the not being able to help when you know how that’s the hardest.

I think it's because you are used to helping/saving at work but in this case you literally couldn't even though the situation was in front of your eyes.

Your role is to save and you couldn't.

I saw a woman cyclist get hit and knocked off her push bike near the North circular almost 40 years ago. We stopped, she was unresponsive, emergency services arrived quickly. I do wonder if she survived to this day.

You may be a medic but you are a human and actual stuff out in the wild when you can't do anything or very much is worse. I was a trainee nurse at the time I saw that woman.

TRIGGER WARNING: if you do not know what degloving is, DO NOT GOOGLE IT unless you have a very strong stomach!

I am by no means a surgeon, but do have training and am NHS. I was minding my own business in a shop, casually browsing, when a member of staff had an accident leading to a significant degloving. I called 999, requested an ambulance and fire brigade (employee was trapped in machinery), and gave what aid I could considering the casualty was still inside the machinery, and I was really shaken by it afterwards.

Not only was it the sort of thing I would deal with all the time at work, it wasn’t even the first degloving I’d seen that week, but it really knocked me for six, I think because it was so unexpected when you’re just casually browsing in a shop!

Oh, also I was in a meeting once where the room was full of doctors and nurses, and a colleague fainted and had a seizure in the middle of the meeting. Everyone was so startled that everyone froze for the briefest of moments, and the first person to jump straight into action and administer (correct and very good!) first aid was the secretary who was there taking the minutes.

Also it’s the thought that it could be you, or someone you love, involved in a sudden terrible accident like that.
It’s brought home to you that life can turn on a dime.

Have you googled to see an update? There was a crash yesterday with a lorry and two cars. Although serious it’s being reported as not life threatening. If it's that incident it might help to read updates to reassure yourself there weren’t fatalities.

My brother is an anaesthetist and ICU consultant. Many years ago he had a patient who was his same age, loved close by, had a wife and young kids, and he had sepsis, couldn’t find why. He had to have intensive drugs that meant he would possibly lose extremities, which DB had to call, he was lucky to survive. That really affected him, first time he’d also been affected, he described it as the moment he really realised about mortality, not sure if that helps but he has seen a counsellor about that and other things to talk it through. Good luck

Hi OP. Apologies if someone has already suggested this and I don’t know if you’re NHS, but does your employer offer counselling or therapy? Most offer around 6 sessions.

Whatever the outcome, it’s how you experienced the incident that will affect you and that goes right back to early experiences. Not something that you should feel you ought to be able to control. Even if you’re coming to terms with this, these things can rear up, unexpectedly, so my respectful suggestion is that you look around now for what is available