Why has this upset me so much?

[MyDogIsBetterThanYou]

I am a surgeon and am not usually phased by anything. When I’m at work absolutely nothing gets to me in the moment. I am focused on doing my job, things can go wrong and I just fix them.

Today I was driving on the motorway and saw and heard the most horrific crash I’ve ever seen. It felt like it was in complete slow motion. It was on the opposite carriageway to me so I couldn’t stop safely and help, so I immediately called 999 and told the police dispatcher, there was an awful accident and gave the what 3 words thing as I was on the hard shoulder. At the end of the call I said to her she need ambos and fire and she asked why so I reiterated lorry v 3 cars with traffic trying to drive round the cars that had hit each other.

I got back on my way and the ambulance rang me and asked me more information and I repeated I wasn’t at the scene I was on the opposite carriageway and I suspected 5+ casualties. I think I must have been the first person to call 999 as it quite literally was still happening as I was on the phone.

I got to the restaurant and I realised I felt really shaken by it, I googled it out of interest and the motorway was closed and still is.

I feel so shaken up by it, still even like 8 hours later. I felt so calm on the phone but I was probably not very calm!

I just don’t know who to speak to ? I wish I was able to help more. I just knew immediately it was bad. Has anyone else experience something similar?

I would say you did an enormous amount to help by calling 999 so quickly.
It’s normal to be very affected by things like this! Just because you have a high pressure job doesn’t mean that other things won’t affect you; in your job you’re at work- this was not at work.
Remember you can always call samaritans or seek counseling through work GP.
Xxxx

@MyDogIsBetterThanYou that sounds horrible. Glad you were able to call 999.
Your work place is probably one of the most controlled environments going. It has to be for all the amazing work you have to do.
The accident you witnessed was the opposite of that.

I remember being on a train with my DB who's a Dr and someone in another carriage started having a heart attack. Him and a dentist kept him going until an ambulance got there. After the patient left I remember my DB being shook up and it took him a while to decompress. I think unless you are used to working in more chaotic work environments, like a paramedic, it will deeply affect you

I was in an almost identical situation on the way to a restaurant about 10 yrs ago witnessing an accident where there was a certain fatality and other than being able to phone for emergency services was not able to help in any other way.

I imagine your job demands that you take control of what you are doing but there was nothing else you could do in this situation. What you did do though by calmly relaying the information was give everyone involved the best support you could.

I think the upset is also greater when you don't know the outcome of a situation and like you, I was looking online for days later

It's probably a combination of the lack of control/ability to help and a subconscious realisation that it could have been you.

Don't beat yourself up, you were shaken by something shocking and still managed to react quickly and effectively. You did really well.

Perhaps it's the laster focus required to do your job, OP? Or that you know what you're getting at work, where there was the element of shock in this situation?

They really are very different scenarios.

Ah OP that’s a really tough thing to witness. Definitely speak to someone if you can. You’ll be in shock as it takes a while for our brains to figure this stuff out.

We had a very very similar experience a few years ago - horrendous crash on the other side of the motorway to us. We were a few seconds after the actual impact, as we passed people were swerving / braking and then running to help. My husband was driving our car, so because I wasn’t concentrating on driving ours I stupidly I looked across the road, as it’s natural instinct in the moment to see what’s happened/ happening. I saw things that I still think about to this day.
We were on a very long journey and we both thought about it & talked about it for a lot of the rest of the way. I checked the news that evening & over the coming days & learned there were multiple fatalities, which I knew from what I thought I’d seen, but somehow it helped to see clear information about it and confirm it. Not sure if it helped me process it somehow as it almost didn’t feel real.
I thought about those people a lot over the days afterwards. I had lots of feelings of “it could happen to any of us at any moment” and that we never know when our lives can just change forever in a split second. I think as you say it’s the realisation we don’t always have control over what happens to us, (or others around us). I also felt so so sad for the families that were involved. It’s a mix of sadness, sobering realisation and at the same time gratitude. A weird cycle of emotions for something that you only saw very briefly for a few seconds…. And then I’d feel like I was being stupid as what right did I have to be so affected by it - I wasn’t directly involved ? I didn’t help and (thankfully) didn’t witness more of it.

Your job is very stressful, but you are very skilled. Although things can go wrong and you will need to adapt quickly, you know this as part of your role and it’s what you “planned” to do that day, so you are prepared, and ultimately in control. Every day you make a difference to improve people’s lives and help people. What happened today is the total opposite of that, and there was nothing you could have done.
I would definitely try and speak to someone about it if you can, don’t just think you should forget about it and plough on. Take your time with it, do things that bring you comfort / safety, and whatever weird feelings you feel are totally valid whilst you process it all. I hope you’re ok.

Is this really the time and place for this immer monologue debate?

OP has seen something very traumatic and needs reassurance, not this

Well done you for having the presence of
mind to stop and call 999 so quickly. You did everything in your power to help. I’m a therapist and the other thing that can help is telling some trusted people the story of what happened in chronological order. Choose people who are kind and likely to offer understanding and validation! It sort of helps put the memory into its organised proper place in your brain rather than floating around untethered.

I really feel for you. It's a very normal human response. I'm also a very calm stoical person under pressure, not squeamish etc (not a surgeon nor clever enough to be one!) But when something shocking happens out of the blue I get that time-slowing-down feeling and a feeling of suddenly being disconnected from what is happening even though I'm trying to "get back" to it.

One time was when my small child (who couldn't swim) fell into deep water. He was paddling and it looked shallow/shelved but he took a step and completely disappeared, no scream or splash, just vanished. I was right there and swam down and grabbed him but it seemed to take ages and i remember thinking "why is everything so slow" but in reality it was just a few seconds. The feeling was so horrible and so strange even though, like you, I had done all i could. I can remember it so clearly now even though he is now an adult!

I hope you feel better as you start to process it. I remember seeing a programme about this phenomenon and the time slowing down thing is a really normal protective response for your brain to enable you to react without too much panic. I'll see if I can find a link to it.

What everyone else said but also environment. Your trained responses are attached to your work environment, probably a whole set of sensory associations. The disinfectant, the colour white, colleagues who can support, all the admin taken care of.
A drama therapist said to me once- our body - has a memory.
None of these things and numerous other things were present. How would your instincts make the link and automatically contain the shock.
In the workplace you are not normally physically vulnerable. Witnessing an accident and responding called for unusual processing.
But nevertheless you reacted swiftly, called the ambulance and probably saved lives with your swift actions.
It's like you're a trained athlete who suddenly had to use a muscle you don't normally use.
Just my take.

I'm confused. The OP asked specifically for reasons why they were so impacted. I am giving reasons. Anything for an argument online with a stranger.

You’re human OP, not a robot.

there was a similar post a while ago about a police officer who witnessed an accident and was first on scene and she felt the same as you.

The first aid trainers like Red Cross/St John Ambulance have access to counselling services these days because it's recognised that these things can be traumatic, even if you do absolutely everything correctly as far as your training and response goes.

I have used my employer's EAP services in the past (though not for this particular situation,) and found it helpful.

Sorry OP sounds terrible. Sometimes it takes a while to process what may be trauma here, shock etc. Hoping you wake up today feeling a little better 🙏

Tell that to God and then to an anaesthetist, that 'the outcome in in her hands'.

I have a job that deals with blood and guts and considered myself hard as nails but I witnessed a biggish flatbed truck drive over a lad who had come off his motorbike.

I stopped, called 999, covered him over with a sleeping bag. He was asking me to remove his helmet but I refused which really pissed him off. A nurse came along that knew what to do so I left and went to work.

I saw that scene for days moment to moment and for months after in my sleep. I couldn't stop crying for days.

He died on the way to hospital as a result of multi trauma.

I sympathise. All you can do is wait for time to pass and take the sting out of it.

Headline 'Surgeon surprised she has a human reaction'. Remembering that wonderful comedy show 'the answer is - because you are not a rocket scientist'.

OP you witnessed something that was out of the ordinary, not expected and horrific, you had little to no control but reacted swiftly and calmly.
Your nervous system would have and still maybe flooded with* *adrenaline and cortisol, this is working its way through and makes you feel scared, on edge, out of control and is also the opposite to how you work.
It's a normal bodily reaction, grounding helps as does talking about it.
Hope you feel better asap.

When you're on duty, you're doing your job. When something like this happens, you're just a passer by, so it's going to upset you as much as anyone else.

You might be a surgeon but you're still human, with emotions. Your job is different, you know it inside out, yes, there's an element of risk, as there is to all surgery but it's familiar to you.

This incident was unexpected. By the sounds of it, you were likely the first person to realise what had happened and report it. It's a shock.

I'm assuming the NHS has an employees assistance programme? There will be a way of you accessing some therapy, just someone to talk too. If you don't want to use the EAP, then find a private therapist, who you can talk too. There's absolutely no shame in needing some help.

I know at work you must deal with people who are injured but you are doing that in a controlled environment and are working to help them. I think that must be very different to actually witnessing people getting injured, especially in such a violent way. You mentioned the noise. It must have been horrifying and I can’t imagine you would experience anything like that at work.

Do you have counselling available to you at work? It might be helpful to talk it through with someone so it doesn’t fester. Whatever you decide to do I hope what you’re feeling eases soon.

I wouldn't expected anything less?

I saw a car with a child unbuckled, standing where the console is, and another two children in the back, swerving over 2 lanes and eventually in to the side of a lorry. Miraculously no one was seriously injured, and it still really, really shook me.

An operating theatre is an entirely controlled environment, given any unexpected issues, people are there professionally trained to deal with them.

A motorway crash is actual chaos, without medical professionals or a controlled environment to deal with it.

You are still a human who walks among us, you're going to get rattled if you see things like this, or if you witnessed someone being shot in the head, or jumping off a cliff.

don't beat yourself up, this is not a failing.

If you have access to employee support that sounds like a great idea. Or even somewhere like Samaritans - they're not just for people feeling suicidal and would offer you a chance to unload and process your feelings. I think your training and profession mean you are unprepared for this reaction but will probably recover quickly if you can talk about it.