Was my Pilates instructor inappropriate with physical adjustments and contacting me later?

[CanIjustAskPrettyPlease]

Hi. Just wanted to gauge opinions please on what happened in a pilates class that l attended for a short while.

The instructor would go round the class and correct positioning etc.

One time soon after I'd started l was lying on my back and he was trying to get me to flatten my back down. He placed his hand under my lower back so he could feel if l was doing it correctly.

Whilst he did that his hand went inside the top of my leggings and he came in contact with the top of my bottom.

After class he apologised and l said it was fine... because it was... l was too busy concentrating on what l needed to do and l trusted him as a professional.

Another time l attended class with a very stiff neck and shoulder. He offered to massage it after class. Again l didn't think to much into it as others were in the room.

Then... on another session l was lying on my front with my arms stretched out in front. I had a bra, vest top and then a looser top on - all thin layers as recommended on the website.

He reached under both my tops and placed his hands either side of my ribs with his thumbs meeting on my spine.... to check my alignment.

He did then messaged me outside of class about meeting up and we had a brief "situationship" before he completely ghosted me.

I am guilty of overthinking things ....but was he inappropriate?

Yes

Yes

Friends have said with the first incident he was testing what he could "get away" with

Would you be angry had he not ghosted you? He sounds like a douche.

I'm not angry about it. I'm just trying to get some understanding and closure around it all as to why he did it ... and for me to now do some inner work on my own boundaries.

Unfortunately he caused me a lot of mental distress with his inconsistent communication .... and then ghosted me - which was actually the best thing he could have done as l was stuck in limerence.

He was. No one should touch you unless they ask if they can and you agree. The fact that he just touched you with no permission is him gauging your levels of self respect imo

It sounds like you’re upset about the ghosting rather than the touching.

Also when I’ve had an instructor correct me
(at yoga) it is completely obvious that it’s a correction and nothing else. I’ve had both men and women do it over the years and it’s not a personal touch at all. It’s hard to explain but it doesn’t leave you in any doubt whatsoever. (And they don’t touch inside your clothes - they just don’t need to!)

I was very upset by the ghosting. But my question is about what occurred prior to that and should an instructor touch clients in that way.

I'm starting to see what he was like with "fresh eyes" now the limerence has gone and understanding the intention behind his actions helps give me the closure l need to move on.... and to try and stop blaming myself for the ghosting.

I agree... and prior to these incidences any correction required was completely appropriate.

Our Pilates teachers do correct people but it’s always done asking permission first. I think in his case he was testing your boundaries.

https://www.thesharkcage.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/Shark-Cage-Psychotherapy-In-Australia.pdf#:~:text=The%20'Shark%20Cage'%20metaphor%20offers,women%20within%20a%20counselling%20context.

This is a really good explanation about how predatory men break down your boundaries and recognise those who haven’t been equipped with good boundaries.

The important things to remember are a) it’s not your fault you haven’t been empowered in this way and b) you can learn to have stronger boundaries.

This man acted extremely unprofessionally and I’m guessing if he’s a member of a professional organisation he must have broken their rules.

This wasn’t your fault. He took advantage of you.
You should report him to his professional body - assuming he belongs to one.

Of course he ghosted you once he’d got what he wanted.

He will now be doing it to others.
If you and they complain, hopefully he’ll have his body membership removed.
what a scumbag he is!

My Pilates instructor touches me to correct me, but as a PP says, it’s very obvious this is what it is. Also it is always over my clothing.

Thankyou - I'll have a read

I did consider reporting him but as a previous poster alluded too - l wouldn't consider it if he hadn't ghosted me.

Although l would also be still stuck in limerence and probably very unwell mentally too so wouldn't be seeing his intentions as clearly as l do now.

Male yoga and Pilates instructors are almost always perves

Went to Pilates for 20 years. I was corrected with touch many times but never inside my clothes. That does sound very inappropriate.

Him ghosting you was really horrible. You are not wrong he sounds a bit of a creep but is it possible you are misremembering a little? You really need to work on boundaries and any man who ghosts you doesn't deserve another second of your headspace. Don't listen to the Mumsnet war drums it sounds like you just want reasons to keep focussing on him just try to move on he isn't wasn't and won't ever be right for you.

I disagree.

What do you mean by the Mumsnet war drums? What the hell is that? Are you saying that we should teach women to just move on when men treat them in a manipulative and predatory way? Because that seems a very poor lesson indeed and is likely what the OP has always been taught. This man has access to many women in a quasi authority role through his job. And if anything I think the OP has underreacted not overreacted if that’s what you mean by misremembering.

We’ve been taught to play nice and just ignore our instincts. Whereas we should absolutely not do that. It’s up to the OP if she reports this guy or not. But the ghosting is not the main evidence of inappropriate behaviour: that is the grooming her with inappropriate touch and then asking her out. He shouldn’t be using his job as a hooking up service.

The main thing is that the OP learns from this rather than ignoring it and begins to spot these men before getting involved with them. It will prevent a lot of heartache.

Why question the validity of what OP remembers?

It sounds highly inappropriate OP. No need to touch under clothes ever.

@Tontostitis @andfinallyhereweare it’s good that OP reflects on the red flags she missed that this man was not good for her. Spotting red flags quicker will keep her safer.

The incidents that occurred in the lessons were inappropriate and surely that is evident from the fact that you had a sexual relationship shortly afterwards. They were tiny steps across the boundaries so that he could freely walk across them later.

The Shark Cage article posted above is very good and should probably be stickied on Mumsnet plus handed out in schools.

For what it’s worth, I have twice had minor incidents with male physios. The incidents did not offend or frighten me, so I didn’t do anything about them, but I do wonder if it is more common with male practitioners than we would like to think.

You probably could put in a complaint if you wanted?

In response to the misremembering comment....

Once we were in a situationship, we would voice note each other... and he told me how "relaxed and chilled" l was with his hand touching my bottom.... so he felt l was ok with him touching me when l needed positioning.

In other messages he said how "thoughts had simmered about me" before we first met outside of class.

I also asked why he went under my clothing and he responded that he could get better feedback on the position of my spine.

He groomed you. No doubt in my mind. It's much harder to see it when you're in it.
Does he belong to a professional body?

It’s funny you say that, I had an “incident” with a male physio once. A lot of of people said I overreacted at the time.

I was brought up with zero boundaries and have slowly learned to rebuild them. I take no shit now.

Anyway my usual physio was ill, unbeknownst to me. Her replacement, a man (50-something I’m guessing) called me in and said that my physio was away and basically expected me to take my shirt off immediately and lie down ready for the shoulder massage.

I wasn’t comfortable with that and he got annoyed! Talk about a red flag. I walked out.

It sounds like nothing but as life goes on you really do learn to spot people who are no good. I don’t mean that this man would have done anything; I’m as near as certain that he wouldn’t have. But having no understanding that a woman might not be comfortable unclothed around an unknown man (or vice versa for that matter) means you’re a pretty useless physio IMO.