Was my Pilates instructor inappropriate with physical adjustments and contacting me later?

[CanIjustAskPrettyPlease]

Hi. Just wanted to gauge opinions please on what happened in a pilates class that l attended for a short while.

The instructor would go round the class and correct positioning etc.

One time soon after I'd started l was lying on my back and he was trying to get me to flatten my back down. He placed his hand under my lower back so he could feel if l was doing it correctly.

Whilst he did that his hand went inside the top of my leggings and he came in contact with the top of my bottom.

After class he apologised and l said it was fine... because it was... l was too busy concentrating on what l needed to do and l trusted him as a professional.

Another time l attended class with a very stiff neck and shoulder. He offered to massage it after class. Again l didn't think to much into it as others were in the room.

Then... on another session l was lying on my front with my arms stretched out in front. I had a bra, vest top and then a looser top on - all thin layers as recommended on the website.

He reached under both my tops and placed his hands either side of my ribs with his thumbs meeting on my spine.... to check my alignment.

He did then messaged me outside of class about meeting up and we had a brief "situationship" before he completely ghosted me.

I am guilty of overthinking things ....but was he inappropriate?

Because she's had a two year relationship as a consenting adult with a man younger than her.

Jeez, touchy. One comment about you calling someone a paedophile completely incorrectly is hardly 'starting something'

Yes I agree, but I would probably avoid sleeping with my plates instructor, not because it's illegal or inappropriate, just because it isn't a situation I'd want to get myself in to (and my instructors have always been women).

My Pilates teacher has touched bare skin before. But expressly asked permission if on bare skin, is female and I have worked with her for 5 years.

One time I even had to remove all my top and bra to check my spine and muscle movement. So basically naked. I was fine with that and she said in the session before that if I wanted her to assess that then it was the only way.

She will correct at any time over clothes without consent but that’s because she knows I am fine with it.

Edit - but he sounds like a creep. Sorry Op

Fair enough. I wouldn't sleep with my yoga teacher either but only because my DP wouldn't be pleased. If I were single I might though, don't meet loads of single men and he's very flexible.

I don't think it helps OP to make out like she's been groomed or subject to some sort of abuse from this man when, from what I can make out, they fancied each other and shagged on and off for a few years. I think being upset that that the shagging is not happening any longer is making OP want to rewrite history with him as some sort of abuser. Pilates lessons are not mandatory and if you didn't like his attention you could have stopped going. Or not had sex with him repeatedly.

Agreed. It seems the issue is more the ghosting.

Ah OP - it was unprofessional. No doubt. The fact you went on to have an intimate relationship with him is an unfortunate decision. I think sometimes power dynamics come into it more than we’d like to admit (ps I haven’t done anything like this myself but I was assaulted by a doctor, which very few people believed so I won’t go on about it, but misremembering shit like… that’s one for the excuses and don’t tell yourself that). Have you got anyone you can talk to about this? Your reference to limerance makes me think you are suffering quite a bit - can you access counselling?

It really seems to be you who is starting something

I'm really sorry that happened to you.
I think a doctor is completely different.
When I think about the power dynamic here, it's not at all clear. For example my yoga teacher - younger than me, (I presume) less well educated, (I presume) less wealthy, relies on me/others like me for income, relies on positive reviews. I'm under no obligation to return. I pay to go and could simply not go. The only "power" he arguably has is he's a man so is physically stronger than me, I guess.
I don't think that's at all like a doctor, teacher, manager at work, etc.

But I agree with you OP should seek support to get over the relationship/end of it, which seems to be upsetting her still.

I saw a psychologist via work which was helpful and it was her who suggested limerence etc.

He ghosted me April 2025... after having a completely normal conversation.... and then randomly messaged me Christmas day which completely threw me!

It's only now that l really feel well again and can see how damaging the relationship was.

Alot more happened during our time together - in hindsight it probably is again about pushing boundaries (eg he wanted a certain sexual act...l really didn't and said from the start l wasn't into that particular act...at first he said that was fine...but he kept going slightly further each time we met until he got what he wanted. Again my fault...l should have been stronger)

He sounds like a prick OP. I don't think the fact he was your pilates instructor is that relevant. I'm sure your friends would be more concerned that he pressured you into a sexual act you didn't want than that he touched your bare back etc in a room full of people?

I obviously don't have enough going on in my life to still be thinking about it but after being told by my XH how no-one would want me etc .... to many years later actually have a man show interest in me and to be complimentary towards me... was so nice.

What a wally!

Again l look back at that incident and think was it all planned out...

He invited me round to his... started to give me a massage (fully dressed) which he'd never done before... then said he needed a shower and to join him... again never done that previously so l felt we had "progressed" our relationship .... and then the sexual act occurred.

He was inappropriate and probably putting out feelings to test your boundaries

@CanIjustAskPrettyPlease
I’m sorry. That’s very tough.
Id say more on here but people often get a bit harsh if they’ve never been in a situation like this - I mean broadly speaking about the “origin” being in a professional not office based but more medical or physical work scenario so I suppose sometimes it’s hard to compare.
Because obviously if your boss put his hand down your trousers in an office you wouldn’t be asking!
So the physio/exercise/medical worlds come with the “did that actually happen?” aspect that makes it harder to differentiate between something happening in a bar/social setting or a different working environment.
I know Pilates isn’t medicine etc. but the principle of the touch coming first before any attraction or the opposite (terror/fear etc) is precisely what starts the fucked-upness of everything that follows.
I see people mentioning physios above.
That surprises me a lot less than it would have done 6 months ago. Again I won’t say anything on here - but please feel free to DM me if you want to talk about anything to do with that “was it inappropriate” issue. I can’t advise on the ghosting or sexual side because I just don’t know what to say really.
I think find yourself a proper therapist- maybe someone who can openly talk about abusive situations because the pushing for a sexual act is not sitting comfortably with a healthy relationship in my mind.

He was initially but it was reciprocated and clearly you were open to it going further. So you also had shown interest. I understand you are upset about being ghosted (that’s a shitty thing to do full stop) but I don’t think it’s fair to now make him completely in the wrong about this whole thing.

Yes, inappropriate - especially with the context that he was clearly sexually interested in you

Wow. Aren't you one for sexual abuse myths?

Seriously, what kind of person makes excuses for a man putting his hand inside a woman's leggings without consent in the middle of an exercise class.

That's sexual assault.

No, I'm not

What he did was inappropriate most definitely.

What made you decide to enter a “situationship” with him? Presumably at some stage you made a conscious decision to kiss him etc.