Was my Pilates instructor inappropriate with physical adjustments and contacting me later?

[CanIjustAskPrettyPlease]

Hi. Just wanted to gauge opinions please on what happened in a pilates class that l attended for a short while.

The instructor would go round the class and correct positioning etc.

One time soon after I'd started l was lying on my back and he was trying to get me to flatten my back down. He placed his hand under my lower back so he could feel if l was doing it correctly.

Whilst he did that his hand went inside the top of my leggings and he came in contact with the top of my bottom.

After class he apologised and l said it was fine... because it was... l was too busy concentrating on what l needed to do and l trusted him as a professional.

Another time l attended class with a very stiff neck and shoulder. He offered to massage it after class. Again l didn't think to much into it as others were in the room.

Then... on another session l was lying on my front with my arms stretched out in front. I had a bra, vest top and then a looser top on - all thin layers as recommended on the website.

He reached under both my tops and placed his hands either side of my ribs with his thumbs meeting on my spine.... to check my alignment.

He did then messaged me outside of class about meeting up and we had a brief "situationship" before he completely ghosted me.

I am guilty of overthinking things ....but was he inappropriate?

Yes, very inappropriate of him. Bordering on assault actually. Any kind of teacher is in a powerful role. It's very hard to reset boundaries when they've been breached once. You would not have wanted to feel like you were making a fuss/ looked silly in front of the class etc when he touched you inappropriately the first time. Maybe he didn't mean to, he apologised so its ok etc. Then he just carried on. Awful.

@1in3willgetcancer
Yes, that’s another boundary push isn’t it - expecting you to be fine with something just because they think it’s fine.

The interesting thing is that both the male physios were very respectful, supportive, right-on etc but still took advantage of a situation where my back was (literally) turned to do something inappropriate. In just the same way, if a woman is in an odd position on a Pilates mat or reformer she cannot consent to a male teacher touching her because she does not have the opportunity to object.

In hindsight maybe l was at fault and he wasn't being inappropriate.

I didn't object when he touched the top of my bottom... and when he checked if l was ok...l said l was.... which therefore meant he thought l had given permission for him to physically touch me to check my position.

I think l have overthought this whole situation.

Many thanks everyone for your input.

He assaulted you. It depends on how violated you feel and felt I suppose.

Please don't gaslight yourself

Is there an age difference OP?

I didn't feel violated at all because l thought it was normal repositioning and didn't think someone would put their business at risk.

It's only after l spoke to friends about their own instructors and how none reached under their clothing .... and after the situationship ended that they said what he did wasn't right.

I also had a private swim session and before the male instructor touched me, he asked if he could move my arm into the correct position. It was after that session that made me think how respectful my swim instructor had been.

Yes. I was 14yrs older. He was early 30s at the time.

Consent has to be given in advance, not retrospectively.

It was inappropriate and grooming.

Ok. Deep breath. I don't want to pressure you into reporting him but he is a paedophile. Do you have protein real life who can support you?

People sorry

"Nassar had a strikingly similar pattern of how he abused young women, the vast majority of whom were gymnasts.

They came to him often in pain, looking for help.

At their most vulnerable moment, he tried to convince them what he was doing was normal - even talking about everyday life and joking as he touched them."

Abusers do not announce that they are abusing you. They try to normalise and minimise it.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-42725339

My female teacher corrects and adjusts me all the time and has never once accidentally slipped her hand inside my clothes, or touched me in any way that could possibly be misconstrued or inappropriate. Not once. Never.

That guy was completely in the wrong, and knew exactly what he was doing. You did nothing wrong - to be clear. He was grooming and gaslighting you.

Do you still have the messages?

No... l was 14yrs older... so he was early 30s and l was mid 40s.

Ah. Now I understand. It is still massively inappropriate. Can you elaboyon the situationship?

How awful. I bet you wish you hadn't fallen for his dodgy flirtations.

If he liked you in that way he should have simply asked you out. Not touched you under your clothes and slid his hand under your leggings?!

Deeply inappropriate. He probably does it to a lot of women. I don't know if there's any kind of governing body he's part of, I suspect not?

Yes. It's been really helpful re-listening and rereading our conversations because what he said in the beginning of our relationship....to actually what happened has again given me insight to how he "pulled" me in.

eg... how he is polyamorous and respect, openness and communication etc is so important (3 things that are really important to me).. but in reality l could go a week with no response to messages and l would be left wondering if l was going to ever hear from him etc.

Obviously not but you also shouldn't sleep with your Pilates instructor. He tried it on, you accepted, now he's ghosted you. So I don't think you can now accuse him of being inappropriate after the fact

Completely inappropriate. If this was at a gym, I'd make a formal.complaint. grim.

Where did you get that from?

Probably just misread what l wrote

I'm reflecting on what led up to us initially getting together and if that was inappropriate.

He ghosted me after nearly 2 years of a very "off and on" liason.

I opened up about my unhappy marriage, divorce etc... l won't let my "walls" down again.

"So I don't think you can now accuse him of being inappropriate after the fact"

Why not?

Why shouldn't you sleep with your pilates instructor? Genuine question

They're consenting adults. He's not a policeman or a doctor. He's not her boss. There's no professional responsibility or power play. They're just two adults one of whom was teaching the other pilates. He touched her, probably unprofessional but apparently she didn't mind as they went on to have a "situationship" (I presume this is Internet-speak for shagged a few times) and she experienced "limerance" (I assume this means she fancied him)

What is the issue?